Notes, recipes, and memes

[Czar]

School has begun I know I push myself a lot, but I feel like it’s not worth it if I don’t. Nothing related to school is ever close to as hard as quitting heroin, but it’s still challenging. I don’t know if my brain will ever work as well as it did before all the drugs.
My dad smuggled some durian here from Thailand where he was for a meeting- it’s one of my favorite fruits, has a rich sweet creamy taste but smells like rotting garbage left out in the sun. I might incorporate it into a curse jar or something.
I also used it on Sunday night as an offering to Beelzebub when I did an invocation outside by the trees and grassy field, along with some booze and tobacco. It was very foggy that night and I love foggy nights surrounded by trees. It’s just a great atmosphere for magic for me. I also wanted to feed (with tobacco smoke) the fetish I made for him a while ago - it’s in the bottom right corner of the picture. It has 2 humerus bones and a buffalo horn tied together with some leather cord. There was this random strip of gravel and sand in the middle of the field so I set up there. I took a photo when I finished/was wrapping up.

Long ramble about some dreams:
I almost always have weird dreams/visuals sleeping or just laying on this one mattress in my mom’s basement, where I was staying for the past week.
Part of my dream was in the foggy field again where I was on Sunday night, but this time it looked like it was in the early morning hours. There was a group of figures waiting for me- they recognized me but I didn’t recognize them. There was also a bunch of deer standing in the field, evenly spaced apart, staring straight ahead while facing me and not moving.
One guy in my dream made me really angry and as I was about to punch him in the face, this woman with long white hair, white eyes, tan skin, a muscular build, and an outfit that resembled Xena the warrior princess’s, stood in front of me and said “Stop. We are divinity AND chaos. You must contain yourself!” I think meaning that I needed to maintain a balance between the two? Being unbalanced like that and raging was not helping anyone, especially not me. I woke up feeling like I was about to fight someone. Or maybe it’s just a dream

[Czar]

For shower/bath bombs
Beauty (to be/feel pretty, attraction)
Chamomile, Horsetail, Lavender, Lemon, Lilac, Linden, Lotus, Peppermint, Rose, Rosemary

Happy (to brighten mood)
Butterfly pea, Carnation, Calendula/marigold, Lemon, Rosemary, Spearmint, Vanilla

For cramps (my mom’s home remedy for stomachache, cramps, gas, etc…)
My mom explained that cramps and general pain in the tummy is “related to cold qi” and can be remedied with “warm qi” (which is a direct translation) :
Boil about 1/3 cup ginger cut into tiny strips), brown sugar, rock sugar (according to personal taste), to about 2 cups water together in a pot and drink while hot

[Czar]

I hate physics but I picked all my professors carefully so I don’t fail. I just hope it isn’t as bad as I’m expecting it to be.
A little over a year ago, I put a curse on one of my old drug dealers, but I lost contact with him/everyone that knew him, changed my number and moved, so I haven’t really checked in on him. I know he’s also pretty resilient and can be perfectly comfortable in shitty conditions
Just when I started thinking/wondering about him/whatever happened, I randomly ran into him on my way to my new clinic. I saw him from across the street and hid behind my umbrella so he wouldn’t see me. It’s been like 2.5 years since I last had any direct contact with him. I almost didn’t recognize him. He’s in a wheelchair now and looks like he’s homeless. I hope more shit and suffering await him.

[Mythopoeia]

@Czar

I put a curse on one of my old drug dealers

@Czar

He’s in a wheelchair now and looks like he’s homeless.

Well done!

[Czar]

Thanks! It was a very pleasant surprise
I forgot to include (in case anyone reading this wants to know)- the curse I used for this guy was from the other forum, called “Extinction the curse of obliteration” and I performed it at my local cemetery where it’s buried. I had so much fun hammering the clock to smithereens (be careful of flying glass bits)

[Czar]

I made these to help me with school (hoping that at least one will help). My brain has trouble learning/understanding physics
This one has a titanium coated quartz point, copper, Larvikite (boosts intellect), and Hematite (boosts memory, mental processing, math, concentration and focus) beads, and Carnelian (brings ability to finish projects, sharpens concentration) and Pyrite (stimulates intellect and memory)

Properties of these stones (iPhone app called the citrine circle):

And crystal council (iPhone app) says about titanium quartz “Titanium Quartz is recommended for anyone who lacks the day to day energy to keep up with life. The stone itself possess enough energy to turn anyone’s mood around, but will especially increase your focus, allow you to become more confident, and expand awareness in one’s environment.”

This one I crushed all the stones (Terahertz Stone, Lepidolite, and Pyrite), i.e. other than the titanium coated quartz point and copper shavings, with a hammer. I’ve found that stones with a hardness rating of 6.5 or less I can generally easily crush with a hammer. Anything harder I just bought in chip form. Lepidolite is supposed to aid learning and studying
One feature of Terahertz stone, a man-made stone from Japan, is (according to crystalstones.com) “The terahertz stone resonates with the frequency of your mental body. It is said to help boost clarity, discernment and aptitude as well as the absorption of new information. This stone can stimulate the electrical charges of your brain cells, drawing in more life force energy as it encourages your brain hemispheres to work harmoniously.”

And these two little ones

Left: Lepidolite, Terahertz, Larvikite beads, Blue Kyanite (I crushed everything except the beads)
Right: (I also crushed all of these myself) Infinite stone, Lepidolite, Hematite

According to crystal council, “Infinite is a powerful stone used in healing the etheric body. Infinite’s vibrations cleanse the aura and offers up a protective “shield” to block anything negative that may attach to you. It’s a great stone for use in meditation, and is highly recommended for outdoor meditation. It connects to earth’s energies and channels the kundalini energy from within. Infinite unlocks the heart and pulls any emotional trauma to the surface. The Infinite forces you to overcome past trauma so that you may begin to heal. Infinite raises your vibrational energies and will help overcome the feeling of constant fatigue or lack of energy”

Vapula is my go-to demon for school related stuff, mostly for last minute cramming before exams, and she’s been super helpful. Vapula is associated with the color green and copper, so I made this little pyramid (I previously made one with green rutilated quartz but lost it while moving)
This new one has titanium quartz, copper, pyrite, green Moss agate (for concentration, endurance) and green opal (to strengthen memory) and cold cast copper base. I crushed the pyrite and green opal

[Czar]

I hate physics so much. It breaks my brain. but I better get used to it because I’ll be doing a whole year of it…
I had a weird dream where this old guy was teaching me about self love. I walked into a forest and he was waiting for me in this beautiful little clearing.
He asked “what is your deal with loving yourself? Why is that so hard for you to remember”
I know I’m hard on myself and yes I have had issues before with self esteem/self love, and it all got worse the more I fucked up my life. When I have a psychotic episode or something like that, I just feel so small and powerless.
He then suggested “well think of someone who adores a specific sofa or armchair. They love the chair. When the chair breaks or something does its value to that person diminish? No they still love their favorite chair. They patch it up and carry on. Why can’t you do the same for yourself?” Then I woke up.
Something I hate more than the feeling of powerlessness is that 12 step anonymous groups shove it down your throat that “accepting powerlessness” is required for recovery, and that “you need to surrender to powerlessness and hand your recovery over to your higher power and let them fix it”, all while claiming to be “agnostic”. BS. Such bullshit. It’s infuriating that every recovery program and rehab champion this obsolete recovery cult started 100 years ago by a Christian stockbroker named Bill who they idolize and worship. Fuck Bill.

Separate thing now
I finished the final part of the 4 week Lilith ritual - I did the rites on the previous full moon, the following new moon, and finally the full moon just over the weekend in NJ. I didn’t take pictures though.
This is the finished mirror “gateway” on my altar in NYC. I still go to nj every week for methadone and I love that over there, there’s a perfect spot in the field behind the back yard for outdoor magick.

The pyramid has a lemurian quartz point, copper, iron and shungite powder, bloodstone, and garnet. I intend to use it to make a vampiric servitor.

[Mythopoeia]

@Czar

Something I hate more than the feeling of powerlessness is that 12 step anonymous groups shove it down your throat that “accepting powerlessness” is required for recovery, and that “you need to surrender to powerlessness and hand your recovery over to your higher power and let them fix it”, all while claiming to be “agnostic”. BS. Such bullshit.

Maybe this is something weak people need. You, are not weak. Good for you for seeing though this subservient rhetoric, rising above it, and forging your own way- even in the face of so much advertisity. Self-love is hard, but the if nothing else, or at least as a start, you can absolutely be proud of yourself, your independent spirit, and your resilience.

[Mythopoeia]

@Czar

I intend to use it to make a vampiric servitor.

I hope you share how this goes!

[Czar]

Thank you I remember at this one rehab I got kicked out of, the guy who drove me away said that rehab isn’t for people who think for themselves.
I am excited to make the servitor I was inspired by your post!

[Mythopoeia]

@Czar

I remember at this one rehab I got kicked out of, the guy who drove me away said that rehab isn’t for people who think for themselves.

Wise words

[norse900]

@Czar

started 100 years ago by a Christian stockbroker named Bill who they idolize and worship. Fuck Bill.

Bill can suck it. Sheep need to be led. You’re not a sheep. You’re doing well on your own power.

[Czar]

Indeed Bill can suck it and his 12 steps of sheepification. It’s a fear based program based in pseudoscience.
The worst part is how they demonize methadone and medical marijuana as basically counting as problematic addiction. Methadone actually has the highest success rate compared to all opiate addiction treatments while the 12 step program has about 5% success rate (which a reputable addiction doctor told me). Those 5% go on to become the “old timers” at meetings spouting nonsense. They claim to have a “100% success rate” which is very different from 5%…
I am alive today because of basically going the opposite direction from “powerlessness”, as well as the “big bad drugs” methadone and marijuana. I still smoke pot regularly but it’s not harming my life the way opiates did.
Sorry I ranted/rambled a bit. I can’t help but wonder if the opiate addicted friends I met in/out of rehabs are dead today because they didn’t find anything that worked for them after being ostracised and excluded from those meetings for dumb reasons. I wish there were more options for meetings that don’t entail the anonymous ideology, but unfortunately they are sparse and not as accessible. I could go on for hours but enough. I am now pursuing a medical degree and hope to one day fix this broken ass addiction medicine system.

[norse900]

I’m glad you didn’t fall prey, in all senses

[Mythopoeia]

@Czar

Sorry I ranted/rambled a bit.

It’s not rambling. Stories and insights like this should be shared.

[Mythopoeia]

@Czar

I am now pursuing a medical degree and hope to one day fix this broken ass addiction medicine system.

It’s broken in so many ways. My father was addicted to medical opiates for almost a decade. Pharmaceutical companies pump out a highly addictive product and then blame “the addicts” for not using it responsibly

It’s wonderful to read that there are people who really want to help and instigate change where it is so badly needed

[Czar]

It’s so infuriating. I’m sorry about your father and hope he is doing better now. Addiction is a painful and often traumatic experience for anyone who deals with it/knows someone who’s dealing with it. honestly, opiates are probably the best feeling I’ve ever felt, but the comedown/aftermath is also the worst I’ve ever felt. The higher the highs, the lower the lows. And this whole epidemic came out of pure selfish greed so a few predators can profit (Dopesick on Hulu is also a pretty good show about all that). I think pharma companies that push opiates are basically legal drug cartels.

Unrelated: I love Halloween season and found these candles for $10 each at Target. I can’t wait to reuse the containers and make more candles when they’re done

[Czar]

How my cat “hides” lol

[Mythopoeia]

Meme worthy

[Czar]

Day before yesterday when I slept with the Lilith mirror (from the 4 week ritual from one full moon to the following one) I had a weird dream. I dunno if it’s because of the mirror but I had a dream about a friend who needed to banish something from their house and I was there so I said I would do it. Just as I got started though, I woke up. The timing was almost like this spirit didn’t want to be banished or it was just a dream.
Today I slept next to it again for a power nap and had an even weirder dream. This old lady (?) was massaging my feet. It felt weird because her hands had some sharp parts, not really smooth like human skin, but I couldn’t move or see them so I don’t really know. At first it scared me so I screamed, but nothing came out. Eventually this weird grunt sound came out, so boyfriend came and sat on the bed for a while. I felt like stuck in the dream, couldn’t wake up except for a brief moment when I told my boyfriend something was touching my feet.
The old lady then turned into something else, like amorphous. Her touch moved away from my feet, became sexual and this went on for another hour. I couldn’t wake up and in my dream, I couldn’t move and making any kind of sound took tremendous effort. I woke up after a total of 2 hours and I’d only intended to nap for half an hour or less.
However after waking up I felt like something had changed, cleared some kind of fog. For a while now I’ve had like no libido and sex life is pretty stale. I have phases like this when I just have no sex drive and it might be related to childhood trauma. I think my hooha woke up after that nap though, so maybe it was some weird kind of sexual healing.
I dunno if it’s related but it was all kinda strange. I have had sleep paralysis since I was very young, but it’s been a while since it last happened.
Just a few hours ago I also got a message on social media from a black magickian I follow regarding something that might help me grow spiritually, but it will cost a bit of money at first for access to books/stuff, and that’s all if I accept. I’ll sleep on it.