A Walk Between Worlds

[Mei]

Here we are again.

Even though the name of this journal is the same as my last one, I want it to be a bit more different. More focused I guess. I will still write down some of my thoughts, dreams I get eventually (most of them will go in a different journal), astral projections… but I want more to it.

I want to write down some of the shadow work sessions I do, mostly because it’s my work with Anubis, but writing helps to uncover things too. And who knows, maybe some of those things might help someone else ?
I still have a lot of emotionnal wounds to heal, so there is a lot of work ahead.

I am also learning about psychology lately, in the occult in general, on how we can incorporate it into magick, or to better understand how someone’s brain (or my own mostly) works so it can be used for healing. It is still at the very beginning, I only started getting interested in it maybe 3-4 months ago, but I am really excited to jump into it.

Something that haven’t changed, I still doesn’t do many spells or rituals. Almost none actually. I still do not really feel the need to do them, so I’m trying to not push it. It will come around at some point.

To finish up, I wanted to put a music in that post, so there.

Coldplay - Coloratura (Official Lyric Video)

[Mei]

28 August 2021

My first entry will be a bit of a long one, and one that I never posted in my journal on the other forum. It was sitting in a note on my phone, and I always was thinking about writing it down but always forgot to do it. Maybe it wasn’t just the right time.

During that period, I was trying to work on astral projections, and how I could make them… better ? So I tried looking for a spirit to who I could ask for help. My choice went on Duke Bathin. I haven’t heard much about this spirit, only that he could help on the matter of traveling, on the physical plane or astral, and that he had good skills with plants.
So I decided to reach out to him during one evening. I kinda went “yolo” on it, no evocation. I never do evocations. I sat down in bed, took my phone with his sigil on it, and just started talking to him, telling him about what I wanted, which was a guide for the astral plane, but for the long term. I don’t like that “throw away” spirits trend thing after you are done with them. I don’t know, that’s just not for me.
And so when I was done, I just went to sleep. I don’t really remember doing any meditations or whatever, I didn’t expect him to answer right away honestly. I just wanted to kind of, introduce myself in a way ?

I woke up at some point, in the middle of a sleep paralysis, but I could hear someone walking in my bedroom. Then, I don’t know if he was talking, or just thinking to himself and I just managed to hear what he was thinking, but he seemed to wonder why I needed help. He probably thought Belial, with who I was really close to at the time, would help me on it.
To be honest, I did think about asking him, but I thought otherwise, I wanted to meet a new spirit.
I said to him “Hey, I can hear you”. It got his attention, and I felt him go above my head, and behind me (I was on my side, the wall behind me). Then it’s like he was trying to turn me around really slowly, putting one hand on my arm. Or maybe he was trying to get me out of my body, I don’t know. It got me panicking, and woke up instantly.

When I checked the time, it was 7 am. I wondered at that moment if it wasn’t Duke Bathin, and I kinda cursed myself lol, thinking I was dumb to have freaked out like that. So I kinda said out loud, something like “I will just go for a drink and pee, and I will go back to sleep”.
I decided to fall asleep in the same position, on my side.

At some point, I felt vibrations in my body, so I was like “Oh, it’s time” and called out Duke Bathin a few times. He probably never left, and was waiting for me, because right after I called him, I could feel an arm go around me, just resting on my side and not doing anything else. He probably didn’t want me to freak out again lmao. But this time, I was prepared, no panicking.
And then he casually said “Hey you”. I thought to myself he was surprisingly friendly lol. We did not talk much, I asked him when we could do that (working together), and he said “When we can”. I remember touching his arm and hand, that went away from my side at some point. It was kinda helping me to stay lucid, to “feel” something. If it was bothering him, he didn’t say anything, neither did he move away. He mentioned at some point he would come back with someone else, but didn’t say anything more about it.
Without going into too much details, I did get a visit the next day by a spirit, who I think might have been an angel ? He was really cold though, didn’t seem to want to joke around, and just wanted to get the job done.
I remember clearly, because it kinda shocked me, that he had really cold hands. Not in a freezing way, just cold. His voice was pretty casual, but pleasant. It was far from Bael’s voice, who had a really hoarse one.

I then felt him move on the bed, and get up from it. I tried to sit down, and “open my eyes” to look at him, but everything was super blurry. He got closer to me again, and told me to go back to sleep.
And I woke up. Checked the time, 9 am. Hm… Oh well.

I did not get any other contact from him since then, either because he is waiting for me to contact him properly (I kinda doubt it), or waiting for me to be ready, or or… He did say “when we can”, so I don’t know…
In any case, I was thinking to contact him back again in a week. So it would be basically a year later, days for days. Kinda symbolic isn’t it ?

[Mei]

I fucked up… Kinda.

I had an odd dream really early this morning, which kept me awake for quite a while. Someone was talking to me, and whoever that was, he was mad at me. I can’t remember what he said exactly, but I know he was blaming me for something, and saying that I’ve been selfish.

When I woke up, I came to a realization. You know, when you have been doing something for so long, and then one day, you realize you were wrong ? That’s what happened. And so because of this, I stayed up from 6 am, to like 10 am, until I fell asleep again. I was actually so upset… at myself. And sad. Because I have been lying to myself, hiding behind excuses, just to avoid the reality of things. I have been letting myself float on the waves of life, closing my eyes and not even trying to swim.

And why ? Because I’ve went through so many bad things in my life, and so I need some time to get back up ? No, that’s bullshit. I got pulled back up two years ago already, I am just making up excuses now. I will tell you why.
Because I didn’t think I was good enough, so I shouldn’t bother trying. Because I was lazy.
And honestly ? That’s weakness.
Yes, I went through depression, bullying, sexual assaults, there is no denying that. But at some point, you have to shake yourself and start swiming, instead of staying still.

There was so many things I wanted to write this morning, but now that I am calmer, I don’t even remember lmao. That’s good in a way, not sure if I would have wanted to write while angry.

I guess you need to go through some pain to go forward. Eeeh, I’m used to it.

Time to get going.

[Dagars]

@Mei

Time to get going.

You got this, your an incredibly intelligent, no nonsense person. I can’t wait to see what you achieve . Remember that you are the source of all things so it is entirely within your power to achieve whatever you set your mind to​:heart:

[Mei]

Thank you friend, I will continue going forward, even if I have to take a few slaps in the face

[norse900]

@Mei

Because I didn’t think I was good enough, so I shouldn’t bother trying.

Yes, spent years of my life making this happen. I’m almost 45, so, I can say that as long as I listened to that small compass (intuition), I’ve done all right. Just my experience, my friend, but following those things over 10 years ago have led to benefits now. My humble experience.‘’

Follow the strong instinct.

@Mei

Yes, I went through depression, bullying, sexual assaults, there is no denying that. But at some point, you have to shake yourself and start swiming, instead of staying still.

Similar. Hit me up it you want details.

@Mei

I guess you need to go through some pain to go forward. Eeeh, I’m used to it.

Sometimes. I used to have a quote on my profile in another place that said something like, " You feel you must pay for what you gain or you don’t feel you deserve it (or have earned it)" - from Hecate. Still true, for me.

Be better than me.

[Mei]

As always, thank you my friend.

@norse900

I can say that as long as I listened to that small compass (intuition), I’ve done all right.

That’s one of my other issues, I tend to not listen to it, even though sometimes it’s going to be “screaming” in my ears almost.

@norse900

Hit me up it you want details

I would love to, it’s up to you

And for Hekate… Well, with no surprise, she is right on that.

[Mei]

I had a really interesting dream today, and really, really vivid.

I was being called to help on the case of a teenager, who was probably around 16-17. He was a minor, that’s for sure. He had committed a crime, and they wanted him to avoid prison, but instead go into some kind of center, or maybe a prison for teenager. No idea.
I found myself sitting at a table in a room, papers in front of me and a colleague on my right side. The room was pretty big, all grey. Almost made me think that the walls, floor and ceiling, was made of metal. Then on the right side of the room, enters the teenager. I still remember quite vividly what he looked like. He had short blonde hair, and a bit chubby. He was probably between 170-180 cm high. There was guards on both sides of him, guiding him to the chair at the table, to sit in front of me.

My colleague started talking to him, I guess resuming what had happened, and what might happen to him, but he was trying to look cool, acting like he didn’t care. But I wasn’t really listening, I was looking at the papers in front of me. His infos, reports of the Police or whatever, and there was a picture. It was showing a really brutal injury (that the kid caused), with a bone sticking out of someone’s body. Pretty sure the person was killed.
And so I took the picture, placed it next to the other papers, and turned it around, showing it to the teenager.

And then I started talking. I was telling him that I hope he knew what was going to happen to him in prison if he went there, as he was pretty young. I said something like “If you can access Youtube, I would advice you to look at videos of teenagers like you, going to prison, and what they say about it”. During the whole time I was talking, I had crossed my arms on the table and leaned towards him, really close to him, and with a big smile on my face. I guess I was trying to intimidate him.

My colleague continued talking to him, and I saw the kid change his position, leaning back in his chair, far away from us, and crossing his arms on his chest.
At that moment, I just said to him “You are nervous”. It wasn’t a question, but more like an affirmation. And I could see the look in his eyes, like “Shit, she knows”.

I don’t know what happened after that, because then the dream changed, and I was now looking at a computer, reading messages. Someone was congratulating me, because I had managed to make him avoid prison. He asked how I managed to do it, and the only thing I said was “It’s just about body language”.

The dream ended there, but when I woke up I was amazed by how vivid everything was.

[Mei]

Today I don’t really want to talk about myself, but about people. Not about one person, but pretty much everyone.

Since I’ve been started on that journey, in 2019, I have done a lot of shadow work, and so a lot of self-reflection. At the start it was mostly to heal myself because of my depression, but after a while it became way more important. I wanted to know (and still do) why was I reacting like this or that, why was I saying those things… Pretty much dissect my whole brain, to discover myself, and what makes me tick. I have to admit, it became excessive, but not in a bad way.

And so, because I started learning about myself, I started learning about others too, almost in an unconscious way. Because I was able to see myself in a clearer light, I was now able to see other people. Thanks to this, I was actually able to find what I want to do with my life, and I will most likely start my Bachelor in Psychology next year. I found myself fascinated in how the brain works.

With what I’m about to say, you might not agree with me, and that’s okay. I would actually like if you could explain your view on that. Also, because english isn’t my native language, I might word things in a weird way.

---

In my recent discovery, I found that most people, if not all, are actually selfish. Self-centred. Now, those words have a negative connotation, but they aren’t negative in themselves.

A few definitions :

• “Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself, seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”
• “Showing or prompted by self-interest”
• “Selfish is defined as being focused only on yourself, or acting that way.”

In our interractions with other people, it’s always to get something out of it. We have desires, from nice and innocent ones, to negative and harmful ones. And for everything, there is both sides of the spectrum. It could be curiosity, and in that case we want, we feel the need to satisfy it. It can be innocent, from just wanting to talk to someone, but it could also be really a curiosity about something that could be negative for others, or even dangerous. In both cases, there is the need to satify that curiosity, that desire.

For some of us, in those interractions, it is to feel important, accepted, validated… you name it. Again, both sides of the spectrum. You could feel important by helping people, feeling useful, or you could do it by crushing others, bullying them, so you feel above them. The end goal, it is to feel important. In both cases, you are going to use someone for your own desire.

Even when it comes to having friends, there are things we want from a relationship. It could be to feel accompanied, or it could be for moral/emotionnal support, or mutual interests. The list goes on. But again, in the end, there is something we want from that relationship, or we wouldn’t be interested in it. It is the same for love relationships too.

---

In our society, being selfish is seen as a bad thing, and if we are, we should feel bad about it, we should feel ashamed. But as we saw, it is not correct. We have learned that everyone is selfish, to an extent of course, but we all do things with a goal in mind. Even if we aren’t aware of it.

In the end, thanks to all the shadow work I’ve done, I was able to understand others more. It helped a lot, to ask myself “What do they want ?”, so when this question was answered, I wouldn’t expect too much from them, or just have totally wrong expectations.
If I hadn’t been selfish, I wouldn’t have learned that.

To finish this post, I wanted to add this that I found, when I was doing researches. It explains a bit more, and in a better way, about what I’ve been writing here.

A letter you need to read if you have been called selfish

[Dagars]

As always, a wonderful post. I love reading things like this as they really help put thing into perspective and give a great deal of food for thought. Iwish more people would challenge their beliefs like this. You rock😌

[ReyCuervo]

@Mei

I found that most people, if not all, are actually selfish

Yes. We’re all selfish. We’re all hedonists.

@Mei

In our interractions with other people, it’s always to get something out of it.

Yes. The whole damn system is built around this basic principle. There is a quite famous article by Jason Pargin titled “6 harsh truths that will make you a better person” where the author explains it in a clear and simple way.

In the same way we want something from others, the world cares only from what it gets from us. All in all, the question is always the same: what can we bring to the table? Bring something and you’ll benefit from what others bring too. Don’t, and get left out in the cold.

@Mei

it is to feel important, accepted, validated

Not me, I’m fucking awesome

@Mei

In our society, being selfish is seen as a bad thing

Very subjective point of view: I blame it on insufficiencies of the language itself.

[Mei]

@ReyCuervo

Yes. We’re all selfish. We’re all hedonists.

I learned a new word today, I had no idea what hedonist was

@ReyCuervo

Very subjective point of view: I blame it on insufficiencies of the language itself.

What do you mean by that ?

[ReyCuervo]

I mean sometimes the word is not enough to express certain deep conceps. Mathematics and music may be better suited, even if the word is the absolute best tool express anything else and express it better.

[Mei]

I think this is the moment when I should panic.

It is the second time that I dream of being pregnant. The first time was 2 months ago or something, and it was completely what the fuck.
In the dream I was panicked, I remember that very clearly, and I was trying to call on Belial and ask for his support. Later on, I started giving birth to them. Yes them, pregnant with twins. And I felt everything. Good thing is there was no pain, but I could feel the baby coming out of me, and twice of course.

In the one of today, it actually woke me up (it is now 6:40 am). I can’t remember exactly what was going on, but this time I wasn’t alone. My mom was around, and a man too. He wasn’t my boyfriend or anything, I have no idea who it was, but he felt like a familiar ? I think I was about to give birth, but it never came. The baby kept moving around in my belly, trying to go feet first. And so here I was, doing my best to kinda turn the baby around.

It has probably some spiritual meaning, most likely not physical and I am really not pregnant. But still. I really do not wish to be pregnant, not now, not ever. So it freaks me out.

[Keteriya]

@Mei

It has probably some spiritual meaning, most likely not physical and I am really not pregnant. But still. I really do not wish to be pregnant, not now, not ever. So it freaks me out.

If you look back into Carl Jung and the Freud dude, they thought pregnancy in dreams indicated change.

I’ve found this to be true, but it could be because I was exposed to this theory as a 13 year old with a lucid dreaming book.

Basically everything about having a baby changes life for a woman, from the pregnancy to the birth/relationships and friendships, emotions and needs.

I dreamed about 5days before I asked my friends if they’d do this forum thing, that I was suddenly giving birth.

I was in the dream and suddenly I realized I was pregnant and it was time and we weren’t making it to the hospital.

I went in another room and realized the baby was coming, even with my pants still on. I pulled them down and out pops the head.

Painless. The babies eyes were open, but it’s head was bigger than a babies and the face looked like my husbands.

The birth was easy, painless but I was worried about the baby breathing and clearing the airways, and I reached down to do those things, knowing as long as the cord wasn’t cut the baby would probably be fine till it’s airways could be cleared if it needed it.

So I woke up then, thinking well. Change is coming, and clearly it will be quick and painless but will it survive and thrive? Will this change be able to breath on its own?

It was like a heads up before shit went down, change is coming and my mind doesn’t know if it’s sustainable.

[Mei]

Yeah, I was thinking it could be change too. The dreams still freaked me out though I’ve said my whole life that I do not want to be pregnant, so imagine my reaction when I dreamed of it lol.

[Keteriya]

Lol I can’t, even when I was a kid I wanted to be a mom. I took care of my baby brothers due to life circumstances for a few years, so I could only imagine being a mom lol.

My stepsister however was there when I had my daughter, and swore (she was only 16 then) that she’d never have any, wanted no part of it…

Now she has four, and it was an awful thing to her to imagine too!

Now my brother, who was my sister… wants kids with his wife, and I don’t know how they will accomplish that short of surrogacy or adoption lol. He was really good with my kids when were babies and he was my sister…

Man I can’t even find a way to say this shit that sounds nice… lmao.! Trying to relate it so it’s understandable and it’s impossible!

It’s okay, point was I don’t understand but I’ve known people like that; even though they changed their mind- if you don’t that’s okay, you are allowed to not want the same things!

[Mei]

I finally was able to go for a long walk in the forest next to my city today. The last time I did that was probably 3 months ago, before I went to Canada.
I have to say, I missed it a lot. I don’t know, I like the energy there, more than anywhere else, it grounds me in the best way.

Every time I go there, I see new places of the forest that I had never seen before. Today I asked to be guided to a place where I could meditate without getting bothered by anyone, and it took me to a spot outside of the trails. It was a very nice rock, just standing on another one. I kinda sat against it for a while, and then went back.

[Arianna]

It’s a beautiful place.

[norse900]

Bit jealous, my friend. Enjoy it.