I didn’t even realize tonight was a full moon and I usually do. Orgo is getting exponentially more difficult to the point I’m thinking of dropping orgo lab. Not only did I get my first C+ on a test (the first since maybe 9th grade in high school. Update- Just heard from professor I have a B or B+ on that test because 2 questions I got right were “wrong”. they were automatically graded ie not graded by a human. B is not great though it’s an improvement), I’m also worried about spring since that is when almost all my psychotic episodes have occurred. Something about all the sunlight is just no good for schizoaffective. The class is a bit of a mess to be fair and it would be nice to have some time back
I made this pyramid a while ago but the bottom was bumpy and weird, so I fixed it the other day. It’s for Goddess Isis.
Top to bottom: angel aura quartz wrapped in copper wire, copper shavings, pyrite, lapis lazuli, carnelian, a brass/copper Isis mini plaque and butterfly pea flowers.
I’m getting close to being done with my crystal skull project. 6 skulls (out of 22) left to make
This one has (top to base): white agate, azurite, sodalite, auralite, hematite, and black onyx with a selenite dusting on the base
This one has moissanite, which is almost as hard as diamonds and is sometimes used in engagement rings sprinkled onto a selenite top layer. other crystals (top to base) include moissanite, selenite, white Agate, auralite, amber, yooperlite, hematite, and dusting of selenite on the base
4 of the remaining skulls have moissanite and selenite as top layer, 2 of which I started (last pic)
Last night, I was trying to sleep and just watched colors and shapes with my eyes closed for a while because it’s never just pitch black in my head. Then I couldn’t move and before I could panic because I hate sleep paralysis, I started feeling a pull somewhere. It was weird because I was fully lucid from wakefulness through falling asleep into dreamworld. Stress brings the weirder dreams. I remember staring into my hallway when paralysis set in, and before I could object or panic, it was black and purple swirls, then the endless black ocean I often see and sometimes end up visiting. Then, my surroundings stopped moving and my blurred vision slowly clarified. It was weird because it felt like I was just “waking up” over there and this world was dreamworld, not the other way around. When it came into focus, it was an upscale looking interior with art on the walls and velvet carpet, somewhat familiar feeling. There were also two tall men, one was blonde and the other dark haired, and they looked excited to see me and when I was fully “there”, they said “there she is! Come on let’s go” and we walked down a hallway. I remember the first thing I said was “what the fuck? Who the fuck and where the fuck.” It felt like they were dragging me along to a party for fun because with midterms, I have spent a lot of time working too hard over the past couple weeks. However, just when we were about to reach our party, I woke up needing to pee.
Now I need to survive midterms and figure out how to get past the very low test score from last week
I used the flower + herb + rudraksha + epoxy resin jar I made for a jar spell and it turned out better than I expected. Initially, my exam was in the 60s. The curve brought it up to a 78. Then I got partial credit for some of the questions (today) and that brought it up to 95. I am no longer in the danger zone for that class and will not be dropping it. So much relief and orgo is no joke! I need to make more jars
Jalop aka High John the Conqueror
St John’s Wort
Taking a study break to give a shout-out to a different kind of magic wand. It has inspired some artworks below. There’s a sculpture that has an interesting painting on the back of it.
This is the Hitachi magic wand vibrator inserted into classical art
I wonder if the portal painting can be used for something magickal. I am tempted to print it out, trace over certain parts, maybe edit/add a few things, and see what it leads to/if I think of anything in the process. I dunno if it sounds like a dumb idea- I may just be braindead from midterms.
I don’t really use it anymore other than as a special occasions offering, like a big thank you, to Lilith, and she also seems to be a fan. It looks like they also made a mini version.
I had another dream where I was lucid from wakefulness through falling asleep. This time in the dream, I reunited with a dead pet, my former cat Baby who died a few months before I adopted Stella. She felt just like I remember and I rubbed her ear nubs (she lost her ears to frostbite), and snuggled for a bit. I knew it wouldn’t last and wanted to make the most of it. I woke up briefly and was able to go back and I tried to find her again. At first, I could not find her, instead ended up in a plain black room- black floor, walls, ceiling, etc… She came to me, though, like she knew I was looking for her. I miss her a lot still, but it is nice to know we can still be in contact.
Update 3/15: the plain black room may have something to do with her remains being in this rosewood urn. The shape of the room was similar to what the interior of the urn looked like when I opened it when I first got it before her ashes went in. The urn is currently on a small shrine I made for Baby with the things she used to love like favorite toys, her gris gris bags, clothes, etc…
I got some cool rocks and fossils: (clockwise from the top) ulexite, 2 pieces of ammonite fossils (age unknown, extinct 65 million years ago), rainbow spider web agate, fossilized tooth of Otodus obliquus (the first megatoothed shark, 40-60 million years old, extinct 3.5 million years ago)
Turned in paper and now I have my 4 days of spring break! Until classes resume on Tuesday at full intensity. According to the courses’ syllabi, the next couple months will be very sucky. Then, I have 1 semester left to finish the premed requirements: psych, sociology, biochem, and orgo 2. I want to take 1-2 classes over the summer, but I just got approved for a month of take home methadone doses, so for the first time since 2017, I will be able to visit home (Shanghai). I haven’t gone back for a while because of heroin and then methadone, which took me years to accumulate enough clean drug screens to be able to take home more than a week of doses at a time. NJ might just be very strict, and I have yet to find a clinic in NYC that will take me and my insurance.
One of my remaining skulls asks for a swirling pattern on top, which I decided to do in layers to add depth. First, I made a small cap using powdered pyrite and meteorite swirled together. Then, I added a thin layer of resin, waited for it to thicken/dry a little bit, then added copper and selenite shavings.
This is my first layer:
The next layer will add some dark back in since I only used half the pyrite and meteorite I have for this skull, like defining the swirl via negative space
I (slowly) watched The Glory on Netflix with my partner over the past couple months, but the last 3 episodes we finished in 1 day. It made me think about getting revenge via baneful magic in ways I didn’t think of before. E.g. There’s one ‘lesser’ bully, initials SA, who once forced me to eat a whole cigarette and say ‘my name is ___ and I am a slut’. She and her group used to shout ‘slut’ and other things at me in the hallways and shit like that. She’s a wealthy singer now, and I want to make her feel just as small as I did and also humiliated publicly. In comparison with previous targets, this one’s a big hit. I don’t really have that many previous targets though and have not yet had consistent success from curses
Watching the show made me want to play Go (aka WeiQi, Baduk, Igo) again and luckily my mom still has the go game set from early childhood when I was actually good at it. I can’t tell what the pieces are made of. I’m guessing black agate or onyx for black pieces and milky quartz for the white?
I was procrastinating on overdue physics homework I got extensions for, clicked through a bunch of stuff and ended up reading about torture. I’m going to make a figurine/poppet of the bully getting blood eagled. This might take some time, but it is satisfying to think about, so I think it’ll be fun to make.
As gratitude to Marbas,
Marbas herb mix / incense (or oil- just steep for 2 weeks or heat the oil if you don’t want to wait 2 weeks)
Benzoin (or storax)
this jar spell was for academic help with studying and general school stuff, especially grades
Jar is made of these crystals (+resin):
Pyrite in base (not visible in picture)
Herbs used for study/school spell:
Butterfly Pea Flower
Lily of the Valley
Study sigil on parchment
I googled my bully and she’s apparently some sort of social media “celebrity influencer“, dancer / rapper/singer. It disgusts but motivates me to curse the shit out of her and make it count. A younger me would have wanted her dead, but now I think that would be too merciful for her. I’d prefer she live long, painfully, and miserably hoping for death but never getting to feel its release. I have so much anger from that phase of my life and I would love to channel it towards her demise. It could be good for my mental health and healing.
I was going through old photos and found my old earthworm dissection photos and thought this looks like something I would like her to experience in recurring nightmares. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. It would be nice for her to know what ptsd induced nightmares feel like. Eating a cigarette was far from the worst of it.
I looked up earthworm dissection kits and preserved specimens are actually really cheap to buy. I was thinking I could use one of these instead of or in addition to the poppet
I clicked “helpful” which is why it says “thank you for your feedback.”
Now, I’m thinking of getting a fetal pig for this bully. I have my dissection kit and could probably blood eagle it better than I can sculpt a figure resembling her getting blood eagled. I want her to hurt as much as possible and this was the torture method that sounded bad enough for her.
Fetal pigs are the result of pregnant pigs being slaughtered in meat factories and were never born, and their anatomy is very similar to humans.
I have a bad week ahead of me with classes, but next weekend I can probably plan more thoroughly/ask a spirit for guidance / start something. I think layering curses will be the way to go.
I have purchased the fetal pig from a biology class supply store because it was cheaper than Amazon. I don’t know when it’ll arrive but I’ll start this weekend with a binding and reach out to the spider queen Arachne. I had a brief vision of the bully in a web of razor wires, so I will start with a poppet, stuff it with binding and baneful herbs, and make a web out of barbed wire for the poppet. I will save the blood eagle curse for the pig (the curse itself I will also write up over the next week). I’ll consult The Red Book of Appin for writing the curse- the book kept popping up in my head when I thought about the bully so maybe it’s a sign to reread and use it
Back to cramming. I hope my exam doesn’t go as disastrously as I’m expecting it to
I had a panic attack and it was really weird. It felt like I had electricity in my palms, like pins and needles but static-y. My boyfriend held my hand until it stopped.
I started this skull that’s supposed to have a swirl on top. It’s pyrite and meteorite shavings mixed together and then white agate and calcite bits in a spiral shape and some glow in the dark glitter. I dunno if it looks too arts and crafts though
I am also making some magic wands, daggers, and keys. Need to take a night off since I have been studying nonstop for almost a week now. I used copper cold cast, crushed pyrite, white agate, and some beads
Spring is usually a difficult time of the year for me. All my psychotic episodes have come around this time. I’m trying to hold it off by maintaining a nocturnal schedule so I’m not as affected by the sunlight. It worked last year so I’ll do it again this year.
I opened an account on a sugar daddy site a while ago and didn’t check it for a while. I just checked it. There is a beautiful man there who added me, and I am tempted, but I am in a happy healthy relationship. It was unexpected because when I signed up, it seemed like just a bunch of old fat rich men and this one is not old or fat. I’ll just admire from afar haha