I didn’t even realize tonight was a full moon and I usually do. Orgo is getting exponentially more difficult to the point I’m thinking of dropping orgo lab. Not only did I get my first C+ on a test (the first since maybe 9th grade in high school. Update- Just heard from professor I have a B or B+ on that test because 2 questions I got right were “wrong”. they were automatically graded ie not graded by a human. B is not great though it’s an improvement), I’m also worried about spring since that is when almost all my psychotic episodes have occurred. Something about all the sunlight is just no good for schizoaffective. The class is a bit of a mess to be fair and it would be nice to have some time back
I made this pyramid a while ago but the bottom was bumpy and weird, so I fixed it the other day. It’s for Goddess Isis.
Top to bottom: angel aura quartz wrapped in copper wire, copper shavings, pyrite, lapis lazuli, carnelian, a brass/copper Isis mini plaque and butterfly pea flowers.
I also made this faceted skull shaped receptacle/container/lidless jar (?) with a happy/love herb/flower mix, shungite, but it had a ton of air bubbles so it’s not exactly smooth.
I’m getting close to being done with my crystal skull project. 6 skulls (out of 22) left to make
This one has (top to base): white agate, azurite, sodalite, auralite, hematite, and black onyx with a selenite dusting on the base
This one has moissanite, which is almost as hard as diamonds and is sometimes used in engagement rings sprinkled onto a selenite top layer. other crystals (top to base) include moissanite, selenite, white Agate, auralite, amber, yooperlite, hematite, and dusting of selenite on the base
4 of the remaining skulls have moissanite and selenite as top layer, 2 of which I started (last pic)
Last night, I was trying to sleep and just watched colors and shapes with my eyes closed for a while because it’s never just pitch black in my head. Then I couldn’t move and before I could panic because I hate sleep paralysis, I started feeling a pull somewhere. It was weird because I was fully lucid from wakefulness through falling asleep into dreamworld. Stress brings the weirder dreams. I remember staring into my hallway when paralysis set in, and before I could object or panic, it was black and purple swirls, then the endless black ocean I often see and sometimes end up visiting. Then, my surroundings stopped moving and my blurred vision slowly clarified. It was weird because it felt like I was just “waking up” over there and this world was dreamworld, not the other way around. When it came into focus, it was an upscale looking interior with art on the walls and velvet carpet, somewhat familiar feeling. There were also two tall men, one was blonde and the other dark haired, and they looked excited to see me and when I was fully “there”, they said “there she is! Come on let’s go” and we walked down a hallway. I remember the first thing I said was “what the fuck? Who the fuck and where the fuck.” It felt like they were dragging me along to a party for fun because with midterms, I have spent a lot of time working too hard over the past couple weeks. However, just when we were about to reach our party, I woke up needing to pee.
Now I need to survive midterms and figure out how to get past the very low test score from last week
I used the flower + herb + rudraksha + epoxy resin jar I made for a jar spell and it turned out better than I expected. Initially, my exam was in the 60s. The curve brought it up to a 78. Then I got partial credit for some of the questions (today) and that brought it up to 95. I am no longer in the danger zone for that class and will not be dropping it. So much relief and orgo is no joke! I need to make more jars
Ingredients used:
Angelica
Bay
Chamomile
Honey
Jalop aka High John the Conqueror
Lemon Balm
Lemongrass
St John’s Wort
Taking a study break to give a shout-out to a different kind of magic wand. It has inspired some artworks below. There’s a sculpture that has an interesting painting on the back of it.
This is the Hitachi magic wand vibrator inserted into classical art
This is the wand used in modern art (the link to the original article about the sculpture by Dafne Blade is here ) it kinda reminds me of the Venus painting above
I wonder if the portal painting can be used for something magickal. I am tempted to print it out, trace over certain parts, maybe edit/add a few things, and see what it leads to/if I think of anything in the process. I dunno if it sounds like a dumb idea- I may just be braindead from midterms.
I don’t really use it anymore other than as a special occasions offering, like a big thank you, to Lilith, and she also seems to be a fan. It looks like they also made a mini version.
I had another dream where I was lucid from wakefulness through falling asleep. This time in the dream, I reunited with a dead pet, my former cat Baby who died a few months before I adopted Stella. She felt just like I remember and I rubbed her ear nubs (she lost her ears to frostbite), and snuggled for a bit. I knew it wouldn’t last and wanted to make the most of it. I woke up briefly and was able to go back and I tried to find her again. At first, I could not find her, instead ended up in a plain black room- black floor, walls, ceiling, etc… She came to me, though, like she knew I was looking for her. I miss her a lot still, but it is nice to know we can still be in contact.
Update 3/15: the plain black room may have something to do with her remains being in this rosewood urn. The shape of the room was similar to what the interior of the urn looked like when I opened it when I first got it before her ashes went in. The urn is currently on a small shrine I made for Baby with the things she used to love like favorite toys, her gris gris bags, clothes, etc…
I got some cool rocks and fossils: (clockwise from the top) ulexite, 2 pieces of ammonite fossils (age unknown, extinct 65 million years ago), rainbow spider web agate, fossilized tooth of Otodus obliquus (the first megatoothed shark, 40-60 million years old, extinct 3.5 million years ago)
Turned in paper and now I have my 4 days of spring break! Until classes resume on Tuesday at full intensity. According to the courses’ syllabi, the next couple months will be very sucky. Then, I have 1 semester left to finish the premed requirements: psych, sociology, biochem, and orgo 2. I want to take 1-2 classes over the summer, but I just got approved for a month of take home methadone doses, so for the first time since 2017, I will be able to visit home (Shanghai). I haven’t gone back for a while because of heroin and then methadone, which took me years to accumulate enough clean drug screens to be able to take home more than a week of doses at a time. NJ might just be very strict, and I have yet to find a clinic in NYC that will take me and my insurance.
One of my remaining skulls asks for a swirling pattern on top, which I decided to do in layers to add depth. First, I made a small cap using powdered pyrite and meteorite swirled together. Then, I added a thin layer of resin, waited for it to thicken/dry a little bit, then added copper and selenite shavings.
This is my first layer:
The next layer will add some dark back in since I only used half the pyrite and meteorite I have for this skull, like defining the swirl via negative space
I (slowly) watched The Glory on Netflix with my partner over the past couple months, but the last 3 episodes we finished in 1 day. It made me think about getting revenge via baneful magic in ways I didn’t think of before. E.g. There’s one ‘lesser’ bully, initials SA, who once forced me to eat a whole cigarette and say ‘my name is ___ and I am a slut’. She and her group used to shout ‘slut’ and other things at me in the hallways and shit like that. She’s a wealthy singer now, and I want to make her feel just as small as I did and also humiliated publicly. In comparison with previous targets, this one’s a big hit. I don’t really have that many previous targets though and have not yet had consistent success from curses
Watching the show made me want to play Go (aka WeiQi, Baduk, Igo) again and luckily my mom still has the go game set from early childhood when I was actually good at it. I can’t tell what the pieces are made of. I’m guessing black agate or onyx for black pieces and milky quartz for the white?
I was procrastinating on overdue physics homework I got extensions for, clicked through a bunch of stuff and ended up reading about torture. I’m going to make a figurine/poppet of the bully getting blood eagled. This might take some time, but it is satisfying to think about, so I think it’ll be fun to make.
As gratitude to Marbas,
Marbas herb mix / incense (or oil- just steep for 2 weeks or heat the oil if you don’t want to wait 2 weeks)
Anise
Benzoin (or storax)
Chicory
Fennel
Mint
Nutmeg
Pennyroyal
Pine
Thistle
Prosperity/ wealth jar spell
Crystals the jar is made of (+ resin):
Emerald (top)
Gold Rutilated Quartz
Ruby in Fuchsite
Aventurine
Pyrite (base, not visible in picture)
Herbs used for the wealth spell:
Bay
Cascara sagrada
Cinquefoil
Goldenrod
Jalop
Lemongrass
Mojo wish bean
Nutmeg
Yellowdock
this jar spell was for academic help with studying and general school stuff, especially grades
Jar is made of these crystals (+resin):
Labradorite (top)
Dumortierite
Fluorite
Honey Calcite
Yellow Jasper
Tiger’s eye
Pyrite in base (not visible in picture)
Herbs used for study/school spell:
Ashwaghanda
Bay
Benzoin
Butterfly Pea Flower
Clove
Eyebright
Ginseng
Harataki
Honeysuckle
Lily of the Valley
Horehound
Rosemary
Walnut
Study sigil on parchment
I googled my bully and she’s apparently some sort of social media “celebrity influencer“, dancer / rapper/singer. It disgusts but motivates me to curse the shit out of her and make it count. A younger me would have wanted her dead, but now I think that would be too merciful for her. I’d prefer she live long, painfully, and miserably hoping for death but never getting to feel its release. I have so much anger from that phase of my life and I would love to channel it towards her demise. It could be good for my mental health and healing.
I was going through old photos and found my old earthworm dissection photos and thought this looks like something I would like her to experience in recurring nightmares. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. It would be nice for her to know what ptsd induced nightmares feel like. Eating a cigarette was far from the worst of it.
I looked up earthworm dissection kits and preserved specimens are actually really cheap to buy. I was thinking I could use one of these instead of or in addition to the poppet
I clicked “helpful” which is why it says “thank you for your feedback.”
Now, I’m thinking of getting a fetal pig for this bully. I have my dissection kit and could probably blood eagle it better than I can sculpt a figure resembling her getting blood eagled. I want her to hurt as much as possible and this was the torture method that sounded bad enough for her.
Fetal pigs are the result of pregnant pigs being slaughtered in meat factories and were never born, and their anatomy is very similar to humans.
I have a bad week ahead of me with classes, but next weekend I can probably plan more thoroughly/ask a spirit for guidance / start something. I think layering curses will be the way to go.
I have purchased the fetal pig from a biology class supply store because it was cheaper than Amazon. I don’t know when it’ll arrive but I’ll start this weekend with a binding and reach out to the spider queen Arachne. I had a brief vision of the bully in a web of razor wires, so I will start with a poppet, stuff it with binding and baneful herbs, and make a web out of barbed wire for the poppet. I will save the blood eagle curse for the pig (the curse itself I will also write up over the next week). I’ll consult The Red Book of Appin for writing the curse- the book kept popping up in my head when I thought about the bully so maybe it’s a sign to reread and use it
Back to cramming. I hope my exam doesn’t go as disastrously as I’m expecting it to
I had a panic attack and it was really weird. It felt like I had electricity in my palms, like pins and needles but static-y. My boyfriend held my hand until it stopped.
I started this skull that’s supposed to have a swirl on top. It’s pyrite and meteorite shavings mixed together and then white agate and calcite bits in a spiral shape and some glow in the dark glitter. I dunno if it looks too arts and crafts though
I am also making some magic wands, daggers, and keys. Need to take a night off since I have been studying nonstop for almost a week now. I used copper cold cast, crushed pyrite, white agate, and some beads
Spring is usually a difficult time of the year for me. All my psychotic episodes have come around this time. I’m trying to hold it off by maintaining a nocturnal schedule so I’m not as affected by the sunlight. It worked last year so I’ll do it again this year.
I opened an account on a sugar daddy site a while ago and didn’t check it for a long time. I just checked it, intending to close my account, but I got distracted… There is a beautiful man there who added me, and I am tempted, but I am in a happy healthy relationship. I think he’s fake. It’s a weird website anyways
Both wands have white agate tips, pyrite, and copper
Left wand has map jasper and hematite
Right has amethyst and gold sheen obsidian
A few keys have amethyst and/or onyx.
some of the keys I have offered to Hecate. There’s more and I might add those to my store at some point
The worst part of spring is that my already overactive mind becomes even more all over the place. Normally, I have some trouble differentiating genuine visions from visions that result from mental illness. During the transition from winter to spring, it becomes much more difficult. I wish I could do without all the pills, but I never want to be away from my body for more than a day again like that summer I was just gone for a week.
I also worry about being on methadone for too long. I’m on a high dose like 200 mg per day, which some clinics don’t even allow. Any lower, however, I dunno if I would have quit heroin, but it’s been 3 years on this dose and I dunno if I’ll be able to taper off. When I forget to take a dose, I still get dopesick and it feels like square one. The urge can be really overwhelming when I’m stressed out, so I bury myself in work.
Some classmates think I’m crazy, too serious about grades, but I am treating it like life vs death. I don’t think I’d stay clean if I end up getting rejected from every school I apply to, so I go super hard on studies to avoid that. It’s irrational but I feel like I have things to lose now, which is new. I also can’t seem to forget my dealer’s number. It’s just permanently ingrained in my memory, lurking there waiting for me to slip.
I don’t believe abstinence is the answer- the people in the alcohol/narcotics anonymous cults are mostly just miserable dry drunks or completely overzealous big book thumpers, neither of which I can tolerate for more than 2 seconds. I’d prefer to relapse and become homeless than sit through one of those meetings. I hope that when I have my MD, I can debunk the 12 steps and come up with something better.
I astral projected via a method that was posted in the other forum a couple years ago. I went somewhere that was just pure nothing, I’m guessing the void? I met a spirit who claimed to be my sister. I asked who our mother was and she said a name I never heard before and it sounded strange so I don’t remember what it was exactly. She showed me a type of dance and I went somewhere else after that.
There was a male spirit there with a name that I remember clearly and will not mention - I said I wouldn’t kiss and tell. He helped me get out of my body again after my phone woke me up briefly. I asked him what he was, and he answered “I’m not anything really”. Not sure how it started but we did intimate things. It started off clumsy at first because it was just blackness all around and he didn’t have much of a corporeal body, which I’m not used to but it became smoother as we continued doing stuff. He seemed a little worried after, saying how this other spirit would not be happy with him for what we did. He gave me something to ingest and immediately I felt slowed down, like a sort of death. He said it was ‘the only way’ and as that world faded, I slowly woke up here. Is spirit sex cheating? I don’t think it was a dream because I didn’t really fall asleep and it was a very intentional departure from my body.
I was going to prepare for ritual, but I’m actually really physically tired and want to try astral projecting again from bed. I feel the effects of aging- I can’t pull all nighters in a row like I used to without becoming very drained for a whole day or two afterwards. I spent like 11pm Friday night through noon Saturday non-stop writing 2 orgo lab reports and the night before I was catching up on physics.
I will try to spend less time just grinding away at schoolwork because I ended up neglecting my spiritual practice this semester and need to find a better balance
I take a daily walk at work to ground into Nature and clear things out using Solar and Nature energies. Maybe set a timer/alarm and take that same sort of break when doing heavy school work?
