The Last Word

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72

These violent delights

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder —
Which, as they kiss, consume

5.01.23

Ah…, I just realised that the idiot whose attention and “obsession” (not true obsession, in the sense of the word) I wished for, and was eventually granted (in the specific way I asked for) went on for far longer than I realised. Was idly scrolling back through my texts with him and saw something I’d forgotten: in the first half of 2021 he literally went out of his way to get a custom-made coffee mug with a photo of my face + some dumb nickname he gave me printed on it. I remember him using it daily. So unless he threw it out, he still has it.

I’m looking back a year and a half and only seeing this now for what is is. Annoying, isn’t it, that we only ever see patterns when we look back, not when we’re in the middle of their weaving? We cannot see the warp and weft that goes into a scene until time passes, and the result is there before our eyes. In this case: a sad, broken man, well aware of his own sadness and brokenness, appearing to try his best to reach out, as well as he knew how, and to make someone feel seen, and tell them they were on his mind, as well as he knew how. Not enough, sadly, but it does cool my (current) rage toward him. Lucky for him.

This is probably why people shouldn’t doubt their magick. I mean: respond to this post if you have EVER gone out of your way to find and save a picture of someone, paid to get a custom coffee mug made with their photo on it, sent the person in question a photo of the resulting item, then used it every day… when that person was not your romantic partner. BONUS LEVEL: If the person in question was barely your friend, and they’d rejected your “romantic” advances about 8 times over 3 months every time you asked them to come over.

No one? No? OK.

How terribly sad.

9.01.23

I miss my altar.

Not the room it’s in, which feels completely wrong. Stifling. Maybe some feng shui energy flow shit? I don’t know. But I miss the clean flow of energy in my space. I need to get my precious things and relics and tools and cleanse and sage the heck out of them.

I miss my lovely Vicentia. But I can feel her growing stronger every day. Absolutely delightful. A clever, vengeful fox watches over this forum, teeth bared. Can you feel it?

Mmm, what else? Uh, I guess I got a free 60" TV last night. Wasn’t gunning for it, didn’t ask for it — it was just offered to me offhand. (Thank you, Father, I am so grateful.)

Not having the space to do anything ceremonial or speak rituals aloud is chafing me a little bit, but it shall be remedied soon. It’s not like I haven’t relied mostly on pathworking for a good while, as it’s arguably my favourite kind of ritual… but to be honest, it’s the lack of options that annoys me more than anything. I think I’d be content with pathworking until the day I die, but I hate not having the choice to do something else.

今なら言える I miss you
it’s so hard to say I’m sorry
例えば誰かのためじゃなくあなたのために 歌たいたいこの歌を
終わらないstory続くこのかがやきalways伝いたいずっと永遠に

Be well, one and all. x

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12.01.23

Spoke too soon :unamused:

Still love you, Leviathan. Let’s work out another deal though maybe :<

My sleeping pattern is so fucked. I was up til about 8.30 AM on Tuesday and slept til about 6 PM.

Woke at a normal time today until I decided to nap for about 4 hours, and again woke at 6 PM. But I must ask why daytime naps seem more satisfying than eight or however many hours overnight.

Nighttime always calls to me. My laptop and a comfy chair and good music. “Just one more track”, I say. Over and over again.

These days I don’t have much space for anything but pathworking or giving offerings to my fox spirit. Occasionally those offerings include me propped up in a chair or in bed, watching a show, cuddling a stuffed and mounted fox bust, like the fkn weirdo I am. Again: stroking her silk-soft black ears, kissing her autumn-red forehead, tracing the refined column of her snout, gazing into her wise amber eyes like I’m waiting for them to move and focus on me.

Of course as soon as I begin to wilt and give up, I get a nudge back onto the path. Alright, I’ll follow it.

I am reflecting on the fact that Leviathan and Melek Tawus, despite their initial… differences… can decidedly work together toward a common goal. Hm. I like group workings that let me explore a bit.

There are people (non-mages, if I must specify) in my sphere of daily life who need to be taught a lesson. I am not a fan of the way they’ve spoken to me. Always thinking I’m too auld to be concerned with such nonsense… not the case, sadly.

When I’m done with them, Raphael will help me find someone better suited.

May the bridges I burn light the way.

x

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18.01.23

The abyss gazes also

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

So here I am once more: pinned by the gaze of the abyss like a bird under a cat’s paw.
Shouting into the void.
Does the void shout back too, if you do it long enough?

Yo he estado aquí
muchas veces antes
y regresó

Forgive my edginess edgelordness. I’m in the throes of that particular, singular melancholy and subsequent restlessness that hits me whenever I stay in in stasis for too long. The kind that tells you that you can just throw your entire current life away and go out into the world and make it on your own, somehow, and still do whatever you want. That it’s not too late for that.

I suppose you could say I am making leaps and bounds in some areas. I always like getting my hands on a Tarot deck and just freehand reading, without second-guessing. Uiazel has also been supremely helpful here (have I mentioned this? I usually evoke or invoke him before a reading nowadays), which has turned out some apparently specific and useful results. Otherwise it’s pure intuition and I don’t give myself time to second-guess… but I do usually come back after a few hours, or a day or two, and look at the reading again. Usually I see some new twist, or parallel, or connection — and I mean before getting feedback, if any, but of course I can’t help reassessing after feedback as well.

Still, I think I have much to learn.

All my efforts into the Law over the past… two years…? — They seem to still be paying off as well, at least as far as being showered with blessings, and always having something to be thankful for. Still, I am being lazy, and I could be doing more. And I could be more grateful too.

Really I can’t help but feel demotivated because of this restlessness, which I hope will change once my new ritual space is set up. I’ve been tearing through novels for the sake of escapism, but my brief flares of creation, creativity, are few and far between. It’s all just consuming, no creating. I perked up briefly at being able to understand/interpret a full sentence in a new foreign language which I read in a novel, which wasn’t translated in-book; and then perked up a little further after that, when I watched a few TV shows, in another, far more well-known-to-me foreign language, and could fully parse about one in seven or eight sentences.

How sad.

And how annoying, to feel like you might have the world at your fingertips and could possibly have everything you want — but to not know exactly what you want. And so, to instead settle into an existence of quiet complacence.

As if to underscore my uselessness, I’ve regressed to obsessively listening to emo/screamo, like I’m 16 years old again.

Well, joke’s on you, mum. I was right; it was never just a phase.

That’s all for now, while my ideas are brewing.
Will report back. Maybe.

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I want to write this in all caps but I will refrain

God is supremely good, the universe is bountiful beyond measure, and its mechanisms are beyond understanding, but they WORK.

My life is surreal and GRATIFYING and the number of times I’ve been handed what I want on a silver platter is honestly fucking astonishing, just through sheer “coincidence”.

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26.01.23

Hello, here is my throwaway entry. (CW: blood)

One, God is good and plentiful. Thank you, Father, I am so grateful for all I experience. Even when you hand me opportunities on a silver platter, sometimes I won’t partake. But I am grateful all the same.

Two, divination astonishes me with its accuracy sometimes.

Three, mental gymnastics is a great spectator sport. Seems exhausting from a lazy witness though.

Four, I’m looking at a certain pantheon again, despite my less-than-warm welcome last time. But this time I won’t be trying to reach a god of war, death, and cannibalism. We’ll see.

(Again, CW: blood)

blood2

Look at my lil fingers trembling. I always found bloodletting so fascinating. I miss my blood vial, packed away in storage. I suppose I’ll have to create a new one.

Well, let’s be honest. I am exactly the kind of person who would delight in having a collection of blood vials in my fridge. Just to look at and appreciate.

I miss my Reynard and my Vicentia. But I am very pleased to see that foxes (and peacocks) are still a recurrent theme in my daily life. The former especially are very keen to make their presence known. Baader-Meinhof syndrome? Yeah sure maybe. But it’s persistent. And it’s starting to spread to other people.

One Intuit legend tells the story of the creation of light and dark periods in the Arctic. When the Earth was created, the fox and the raven had an argument. The raven, who saw best during the daylight, wanted the days to always be filled with sunshine. But the fox, who preferred to hunt when it was dark, wanted it always to be nighttime. In the end, they struck a compromise, with periods of both light and dark.

Inclined to call fake news. The fox and the raven would never argue.

Irrespective…
God’s in his heaven, all is right in the world.

30.01.23

Watching someone play Musical Chairs except they’re the only one playing and they’re actually just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic

天上天下唯我独尊

“I am the one and only, in Heaven and on Earth.”
“In Heaven and on Earth, there is only I AM.”
“Whether above or below heaven, only I reign supreme.”
“Above heaven, under heaven, I alone am worthy of honour.”

God is good.
God is self.

Don’t forget that second and most important part.

V x

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What did you use to cut your finger?

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A disposable lancet :slight_smile:

blood1

I had to get a blood test just over a year ago and asked if they ever give out vials of blood just for fun… phlebotomist said no, but she gave me some lancets, alcohol swabs, and a lil vial with anticoagulant in it so I could just draw my own blood at will.

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3.02.23

Another absolutely delightful session with Dionysus this evening. I told him I’m not sure what he can really show me and he just told me to lighten the fuck up. He let me touch the thyrsus; indeed the scene he showed me was dancing around a bonfire in an outdoor bacchanalia. Before he let me touch the thyrsus he gave me poi made of flaming pinecones. OK. :joy: Dionysus is the patron bushdoof spirit and I mean this in the best way possible. I danced around with fire poi and he danced around with a light-staff, except it was the thyrsus, and then he allowed me to hold the thyrsus, and to dance with it. It culminated in me getting to name goals and then spear their physical representation with the thyrsus. Several times in very gratifying ways.

I actually really, really like Dionysus. I have zero doubt in the Greek pantheon after what Hephaestus did for me, and what Zeus has done, and Hermes too (times beyond counting). I just want to see it with my own eyes, you know, in the 3D. But irrespective, I will probably go back to see Dionysus again and again, because his energy is so uplifting, and he is so irreverent, and wicked, and welcoming. He is a kindred spirit.

It occurred to me today that scapegoats tend to have interesting stories, no matter how tall the mountain they’re thrown off of. Or how many other people must be thrown off alongside them to make a spurious accusation seem reasonable.

The scapegoat lies broken at the bottom of the mountain, and since I imagine certain migrant birds don’t weather well in high altitude, especially junior ones, they only fly over low to witness the carnage, in easy calling distance.

Run it back? :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

V x

How do you feel the same without me?
How do you feel the same, when I don’t sleep?
Somehow found me, but you still doubt me
How do you feel the same without me?

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5.02.23

Uncanny when a spirit appears to you as yourself, especially yourself half-dead.
I look forward to our manifestation.

Melek Taus, I love you so much that words simply fail to do it justice or explain it in full capacity. Sometimes I wish I could just give up hours and hours to watch you work. You see through deceptions with precision and ease, and, with equal precision and ease, destroy them. You thoroughly amaze me and I simply don’t have the words to do justice to your magnificence. Yes, you can stop the preening now. I will sing your praises from this end of the world to the other, in this lifetime and every lifetime to come.

The tired souls that bend 'til they crack

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Neither water, nor air, nor earth – not even fire, nor even spirit, I think – could undo what I have done. I curse my own stupidity as much as admire my own efficacy. Fucksake.

There is no uncrossing, no freezing, no binding, no undoing. Only mundane means.
Or maybe I am being dramatic and just haven’t tried hard enough. That seems much more likely, since I tend to like a nice quick wallow in self-pity before I get back up and actually do something.

I went to see Leviathan. I am used to taking people to him and seeing them, those people, in their own little eggshell. This time I was in the eggshell. He bore me down, in serpent-form. Me huddled up in my egg in the foetal position. In the grotto he appeared to me, for a rare change, in human form. Then he gently and paternally, or fraternally, held me, and his salt-bleached hair smelled like seaweed, and he showed me great tidal waves rising up on every side, like Moses parting the Red Sea, leaving a habitable zone right in the middle, untouched. I don’t care. Maybe he can take this thing away from me. I know he will try. I was just seeking comfort. I did find it but now I’m weeping and writing a journal entry.

I’m happy to be practising again. I lost touch with myself for a while, I lost motivation. I want to reconnect with all my beloved guides and “friends on the other side” and push myself even further this year. If the cost of that is a bit of snivelling self-pity, so be it.

Well, I’ve stopped weeping now, so I guess it’s time to move on.

P.S.

They’re back with me now, my fox friends.
Strong decision / powerful advice + victory, conqueror, winner, winning over evil
I’ll take it :woman_shrugging:

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victory, conqueror, winner
x

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Dear diary,

Mood: scorched earf

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I’m having the dumbest and most random dreams lately. Today I slept from about 1pm to 5pm, after earlier sleeping about 5.30am - 9.30am. I felt positively drunk from lack of sleep. I woke up at 10 to 5 because I (clairaudiently) heard my father’s voice calling my name like he used to call my name as a kid when I was in trouble for something. Napping is one of my favourite pastimes; after it dips into true sleep, usually after about 90 minutes, or one whole REM cycle, I tend to just doze and slip endlessly in and out of dreams.

Of course I am an idiot so I have been neglecting to write my dreams down. But I am still puzzling over a dream I had a few nights ago, where I was trying to solve a mystery, and someone showed me a grid, divided into nine squares, and each square divided into further ninths, like a Rubik’s cube with 3 additional faces, laid flat. One square of each sub-grid was blacked out, and it was treated like it was some great special mystical secret.

I left my body at some point today while I was dozing. Or at least I sincerely hope I did, because I had a very tenuous grasp on the border between sleep and wakefulness for a while, and in my dreams (hopefully my dreams) I said and did some things in that state that I would definitely not have done while fully awake, but I felt myself most definitely to be in my bed, my room, my household.

Napping and dreaming – truly my favourite pastime.

I also spoke to Marbas earlier tonight. I’m certain I’ve spoken to him before, but never been close with him. The first thing he did was to scold me for being too quick to think and speak rather than wait and listen. It was because I was already composing in my head how I’d write about the encounter. I’ll try and take that to heart. :unamused: He is right though. Maybe in his healing capacity he can get me on some actually effective ADHD meds.

Now that I’m pathworking daily, or just about daily, though, I am remembering why I love visionary magick so much. I saw Michael today, and for the first time he rather intimidated me with his presence and appearance, instead of just dutifully answering the call and standing still and stalwart nearby.

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Oh, this is her psychotic breakdown hair cut. Yikes!

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Myth I love you for understanding my references

In response, all I have to say is:

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Fucking diabolical

P.S. I would just like to say Azula is arguably my favourite ATLA character and I stand by this
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I had the strongest image of myself standing brow-to-brow with Metatron, and a sense of overwhelming comfort and encouragement, that stayed with me all throughout the day. I kept wondering why, and only just now did I realise it was simply because I subbed in the DoM opening rite for an LBRP last night. And of course, Metatron commands my attention entirely as soon as his name passes my lips. As he always has, and likely always will.

God rest those lost souls and comfort the families affected by that recent environmental disaster in the Europe-Middle East region. I will be working tonight once more with Poseidon.

And now, presenting the main event: a largely musical-only entry brought to you by yours truly. I know these usually have little significance to anyone but the author, but well, here you are. My undisputed favourite band of about 19 years, and perhaps the best song of their arguably worst pre-2008 album.

Weird having a favourite band when you’ve hated (or at least disdained) every album they’ve released for the last 15 years, but so be it.

Damnation / Closure

Awaiting word on what’s to come
In helpless prayers a hope lives on
As I’ve come clean I’ve forgotten what I promised
In the rays of the sun, I am longing for the darkness

God’s in his heaven, all is right in the world.

Edit: One of my longest, pointiest fingernails said its goodbye tonight and disappeared all at once. What now? Is Leviathan some kind of big gossip, telling all & sundry that I would rather lose a few pints of blood over my carefully cultivated fingernails? Or am I due for some big reward? :unamused:

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8.02.23

Had some out-of-body adventures today during an afternoon nap, after months of not having any (or at least not any appreciably memorable ones, or ones I’ve written down).

Since I was dozing and going in and out of dreams I decided I may as well give it a try. First I tried generating vibrations in my body, and inviting the whooshing sound into my head, which I did successfully for about 3 seconds total. After trying for a bit longer and nothing happening I decided it was a waste of time and I’d just skip it all and go straight to launch.

While I was waiting to be sure I was in full sleep paralysis, I was floating in a dark place, but a faint indistinct light illuminated silhouettes of people all around me, all floating inside bubbles. Imagine a huge dimly lit aquarium full of jellyfish. Some people were trying to push their way out of their bubble with their hands, others were just peacefully suspended. If there is a realm between sleep and wakefulness, this would be it. Indistinct people drifting on a dark current, some of them trying to break into their dreams, or maybe out of their bodies.

  1. Pushed myself up and out on hands and knees (despite my physical body lying on its side). It was not as difficult as I thought it would be after so long, but it felt like I was moving in slow-motion, so I had the very distinct sense of my bodies and my locus of consciousness “separating” until they snapped into being fully positioned out-of-body. No vision. I didn’t do much, just sat back on the bed and swivelled so I could stand up. Then I hesitated and thought maybe I was awake, and had actually just struggled against sleep paralysis and physically moved my body with my eyes closed. I tried to open my eyes and that immediately returned me to my body with my physical eyes open.

  2. Pushed myself out on hands and knees. Opened my eyes. I was in a house from a dream I’d had earlier. Vision was good and clear. I immediately went out into the hallway and a lady from the aforementioned dream was there. She began talking to me, bothering me, asking what I was doing, trying to distract me. I ignored her and walked away. She followed me and kept asking me questions and chattering at me. As I would open doors I would hope they would lead to other places, but I simply ended up striding through the dream-house until I came to glass door that led out to the backyard. The lady started getting agitated and forbade me from going outside. Annoyed, I just wrapped the curtain around myself so she couldn’t see me. I tried to phase through the glass door, which didn’t work. Instead of ignoring the lady and just going outside by opening the door and walking out, I forced myself to open my eyes so I could start over.

  3. Pushed myself out on hands and knees. Immediately tried to open my eyes. Ended up opening my physical eyes. Annoying.

  4. Hands and knees. Woke up in my own house. Slowly squinted and blinked my eyes open until my vision was completely clear. Opened the bedroom door, house looks the same as it does irl. I even bumped into a chair on the way out like I normally do irl. There was a flash of an appearance of someone, a woman I think, leaning against a nearby doorway, but they disappeared instantly. I managed to achieve about half of what I had planned to do, and I did manage to exert more control over the environment than in the previous “this lady won’t stop harping at me” scene, but halfway through executing my plan I could feel my senses starting to fade and my consciousness being drawn back to my body. So I gave up and let myself be drawn back into my shell.

Then I realised it was probably time to stop napping so I got up for good.

I’m intrigued by the dream-woman following me around and yapping at me; no one has ever spoken as many words to me in an OOBE before. Most people don’t even speak to you without prompting, if there are people at all. And to follow me around and “forbid” me from my usual “straight to the backyard, start flying” plan? Very rude. Although it was kind of useful, because the constant yammering kept me rooted in the experience. Annoying that it is one of the longest-lasting and visually clearest dreams I have had, and I ended it myself because I was annoyed.

Also, each scene where I had vision was in daylight this time. Historically that’s rare for me, but I think the last time I was out of my body it was daytime as well.

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I removed (well, trimmed) all my fingernails to the quick tonight and am leaving them before a little altar of Leviathan. Poseidon, you are welcome to them too.

Tonight reminded me how easily I can turn the switch on between introversion/isolation and easy, conversational extraversion. Neither side feels like a lie. Neither side really is a lie either. I am both. I can go from pouting “I don’t feel like being social” to enthralled listener and entertainer easily. And feel easily at home in both skins.

Renewed my tentative bonds with two spirits of the Greek pantheon. They seemed amenable.

+ huffing nicotine salts for that beautiful full-body buzz. Is it normal to “see” music? Highly recommend

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Love your updates always entertaining.

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Thank you my friend :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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