I woke up on Sunday with a story in my head about a crow who brought rain to starved and famished people. It seemed interesting, enough for me to stir out of sleep and write a note on my phone, then expand on it a bit, into the beginning of a story.
Tonight, just now, I had a message delivered from lord knows where, in another language, while I was dozing. As I’ve said, my phonetic → English isn’t great, so the message was either completely correct Latin: “you’re going to die”, or in another language, slightly altered, “say and apply” or “gather your strength”. Ves vugula.
What do we say to the god of death? Not today.
Would be nice if my inner voice spoke to me in English. But I suppose I would not listen that closely.
Tonight I spoke to the crows, and they spoke back to me, and I cried for joy.
I was counting – one for sorrow, two for mirth, three for a death, four for a birth – and there were up to four, 'til only two remained. They cawed, and I whistled back in cadence, and they immediately cawed back in turn.
Eventually they left without a sound, and I never saw them.
Thought, Memory.
That’s OK.
Will it be your wolves next, Odin? Might be difficult to pull off in my continent.
Uiazel continues to guide my hand in divination. I’m learning to sink into my instincts and hone my intuition more; not just to trust but letting the words spill out from some unknown well. Uncanny. I hope this gift continues.
I’m here if you need anything. You’re a really incredible person and that would be a shame if you weren’t around anymore. I really respect you and enjoy reading your work. My pms are always open.
Probably wolf-dogs or wolf looking breeds if he does anything like that. I’m assuming there are dogs there cuz there’s literally only 1 continent that has forbidden and banned dogs. Antarctica. Though as a god he could send them and have any except you who saw them think they were just dogs on the loose.
My praxis has been on-and-off, and mostly on the down-low. A lot of divining. A lot of work which will remain unspoken until it is achieved; maybe not even then.
So, what to do with abundant free time? Back to basics for me; and back to my roots; and back to my patrons. So easy to forget the things you have achieved when you’re not dedicated to the mindset of magic every day. I went to see Leviathan last night. I will have to visit him again soon, he and Melek Taus.
Did I mention the completely unasked for but fully ratified SPG another very skilled and trusted mage gave me of Metatron’s work?
Still having those same experiences of the three worlds crossing over. Not quite derealisation, but rather the sense that I have been somewhere or done this thing before; in a dream or a memory, as I am doing it.
Today I dreamt of a white stoat who clove to me; crawling up my arm to nestle under my chin and, when I tried to dislodge him, splayed himself across my chest, and would not be shaken loose by any means. Later, when I sat down in the grass to speak with someone, and he finally left, I turned to see him nearby – but now a normal dark-coloured ferret, hampered by chains like manacles – a ring around his neck and midsection. He still willingly came back to me at once when I picked him up, and the dream-lady I spoke to mentioned how she always had their canines removed… but he, this one, still had teeth.
Have not been good at recording my dreams lately. Suppose I’ll record my past instead.
February 28, 2021
The Return of The King [of Naught]
When I was looking back through my offline journals recently and cringing over how much effort and magick I poured into the King of Pentacles, I realised just how fucking overboard I went. It’s in my nature to be impatient but I fell for the classic noob trap of “oh it’s been three days and I haven’t seen any movement, I’m gonna do another ritual” and/or “hmm I just found this other thing that seems like it could help the situation, I’m gonna add that to the stack.” Sooner or later the whole stack crumples under its own weight.
And I threw some really heavy shit in the mix. Very experimental, deep-trance, call-on-their-higher-self-to-bind-it-to-yours shit. The kind of shit that seems like an amazing idea when you feel like you’re in love with someone and cannot conceive of there coming a day when you no longer want them, but is a bit of a hassle to undo when you realise all you want is for them to be out of your mind forever.
It’s evident that he still has some hooks in me and it pisses me off. I’m still thinking about him, even though I no longer want him and I’m actively revolted by him 50% of the time. I’ve pondered throwing some curses his way; I’ve gone into deep strategy mode wondering how I can fuck his life up the most. Like maybe nudging him to start a sexual relationship with someone incredibly unstable who sabotages her birth control and gets pregnant on purpose and traps him into paying child support for the next 18 years. That would absolutely ruin him.
But ultimately I just want to stop thinking about him.
Full moon, new moon
We’re into the waning moon phase, which also coincides with my body’s hormonal cycle. Two purposes I plan to use this for:
A major cord-cutting, banishing, uncrossing ritual to sever any residual connection with my ex,
The birth of a new project which has been gestating since the new moon.
Is it ambitious to do both at once? Probably.
Should I set some space between them? Probably.
Do I have the energy to do both, or even one of them, today? Probably not.
Am I going to post this, and then move on to writing another post, because I’m feeling very low and deeply in need of something to do, and I’m tired of constantly consuming rather than creating? Yeah probably.
So most of this I write for myself so I can look back on it when I need a boost with LOA/LOB.
I AM is my name forever
Self-concept
“Self-concept” is a phrase thrown around a lot in the “manifestation” community. A contentious subject. Some argue that self-concept is key to manifesting, others claim it is irrelevant. I tend to fall on the side of the former, mostly because I think the phrase itself is easy to misinterpret, and becomes conflated with self-esteem. And while self-esteem is a good thing to have, and is tangentially relevant, it is not the same as self-concept.
Self-esteem is your capacity to have confidence in your abilities and worth.
Self-concept is your answer to the question “Who are you?”, where your answer is I AM. I AM wealthy. I AM liked and adored by everyone I meet. I AM the CEO of ABC company, the wife of XYZ person. I AM lucky. I AM someone who always gets what they want.
The two are not the same, and the latter is far more important. Anything you claim as your I AM-ness, and persist in claiming, you are, and will be.
When you lose focus of your I AM-ness, you’re fighting against the current instead of allowing the river to guide you into calmer waters. “X gave me a promotion”. “Z asked me to be her boyfriend.” Stop focusing on the outside, and turn within.
The illusion of separation
Another fun topic that comes up often for debate is “EIYPO”, meaning “everyone is you pushed out”. Is this literal? No. Sometimes you meet assholes. They were an asshole before you met them and they will probably continue to be an asshole long after you’re gone.
Does this mean solipsism is the foundation for reality? No. Everyone exists in their own bubble of I AM-ness. Everyone is their own God, whether they’ve awoken to that fact or not.
But we are all part of the same I AM, the same God, the same source. And so what this means is: people will react to your I AM-ness – your self-concept. Because no matter what you place after “I AM”, you still… are. You can forget what you are, and who you are, but you can never forget that you are.
And as we of the same source, the same I AM: separation is an illusion. And this is what EIYPO comes back to. You reflect back to me my self-concept, my I AM-ness, the same way I reflect yours back to you.
You are not separate from me. We are one and the same. And when I focus on you, I forget and lose sight of myself. Trying to change the outer world by force, or trying to change other people, is like trying to wipe a smudge off your own face by cleaning the mirror.
Go within. Focus on I AM. Persist in what you ARE. And watch the world and the people around you change effortlessly to reflect this back to you.
My mood has gradually lifted as the day’s gone by. I woke up still feeling absolutely miserable and wretched, and the first thing I did when I got to work was cry at my desk. By the time I got home I was back to my usual (mostly) chipper self.
I have a friend who listens to subliminals, and we often compare notes. I’ve started listening to a full playlist of subliminals by the maker of the Concordia Booster. A lot of the time the maker will list “ascension symptoms” or some such phrasing as a side-effect of listening. She, my friend, has mentioned a few weird happenings with her mental state on adopting a few of the other subliminal tracks.
So I am wondering if that is happening to me as well, or if it’s merely my hormones orchestrating my mood to a much greater degree than normal, or both, or something more, or neither. Perhaps all the MFWBs from last October finally catching up with me. Perhaps this last MFWB dealing with targeted baneful magic; which I’ve never done (not counting targeted psychological torment), and I’ve been drawing on quite a bit of energy to pour into those workings, not to mention making poppets.
I have heard/seen the tales of people who experience a kind of “dark night of the soul” around the same time as a spiritual breakthrough. Maybe I’m silly but I don’t tend to put a lot of stock in something until I experience it myself. Well, I guess I put stock in it now.
Either way, definitely a wake-up call for me to be more careful with banishing and taking care of my space. My little mink-familiar does a good job of keeping low-level parasites and astral trash out of my temple but I shouldn’t be exposing her to that kind of harmful energy either.
If I struggle a lifetime, what would my body be? An empty shell, on what a demon fed?
I deny failure, I ignite woe is on my misery, she wins all their eyes
Mostly I helped lift myself out of this dark place today as follows: I kept on going with the subliminal playlist. I listened to Neville Goddard lectures over the top of it. I read some scripture. I sequestered myself away from everybody over my lunch break and listened to/watched ASMR videos while affirming and visualising what I wanted. I spent the rest of the day listening to the sametwo uplifting songs back-to-back on repeat.
Mini-banishing
Last night I only had the energy to do a slightly more complex take on the DoM opening ritual as an LBRP alternative. Included calling “from below, Sandalphon”. I had each entity draw a banishing pentagram around me, then I had Metatron rain down a holy flare of fire upon the entire house. Did this in the shower, then did a purposeful scrubbing from the top of my scalp to the soles of my feet, visualising the running water washing away any negative energy.
Cord-cutting
Cord-cutting ritual with Hekate presiding tonight. Pretty simple. Lit a red candle and white sage incense. I took a small piece of paper and folded it precisely in half. On one half I wrote my name and DOB, on the other half I wrote the King of Pents’ name and DOB. Meditated and called on Hekate until I felt her presence.
She watched as I tore the paper down the middle. Then I rolled each side into a scroll, tied each with three knots, connected with the same thread. I visualised the energetic connection between us represented by the thread. I burned the thread to sever it entirely, then I burned the scrolls and remnants of the thread together in my “cauldron”. I cut my fingernails and fed them into the fire. A small but personally meaningful sacrifice, serving to represent my willingness to cut away that which I have outgrown, and offer it to the flames. I did feel a bit lighter afterwards.
A few other things are falling into place nicely. A money ritual wouldn’t go astray at the moment but I think a break from ritual is really needed for a bit.
March 4, 2021
Yesterday was a generally low day for me as well, but today things have started coming back into order.
I’m not sure what I can attribute this low point to to. I touched on this briefly before in an earlier post. I have had low points, of course, but it has been a very long time – years – since I have been so consistently low and miserable, to the point of suicidal ideation. I unravelled so thoroughly and so quickly.
Writing this for hindsight’s sake, it could be any of the following, or a combination of:
The Enochian rituals I performed within the past two to three weeks;
Doing almost daily rituals since the beginning of October last year (perhaps earlier), my own stuff and then the three MFWB groups from October through February;
The baneful workings from the last MFWB group;
My neglecting proper banishing/cleansing when doing baneful work;
My meeting and challenge with Tūmatauenga’s tangata whenua horde without having a guide;
Whatever astrological shite is going on as the heavenly bodies move around out in space;
Hormones (although I’m sad to say my cycle has fallen slightly out of sync with the moon cycles, so I predict a slow turning of seasons for my body as we move further into the year);
The subliminal tracks I’ve been listening to – minimum 3-4 hours, max 10-12 hours, daily;
Mundane life (work, missing certain people, etc.).
I feel like this recent chaotic trend has been spilling out of me in waves; I’m seeing ripples of it in the outer world, reflected by the people around me in interesting (destructive) ways. Things would appear to be working in my favour, and then very quickly unravel or undo themselves. I can’t know the end result, so I just have to be patient. I can’t even know if or which part of me and my thoughts caused it.
When I’m in a low place it’s difficult to focus enough to perform techniques. I’ve felt mentally exhausted. But, I strongly believe it is not techniques which manifest: humans manifest their outer world based on their inner world, naturally and unconsciously.
So, in some areas of my life my mind and mental diet have been fine, and it’s paying dividends and making me happy, but in others, i.e. work, my mental diet has been atrocious, and it’s a sharp fucking knife. In some ways I feel I am now reaping the results of my thoughts of a few weeks ago. So, a reminder to self to focus on the broader picture, and not just one thing.
How’d I get through today? I had a meeting for work that I was dreading. I just decided, upon waking, that it was going to go well. I would do what I could from a mundane perspective to make it so, but I decided and intended mentally that it would be successful. Before the meeting itself, I went outside to centre myself, and spent about five minutes repeating mentally, “I’m so glad that the meeting with X went well”, dwelling in that thought, focusing on how it felt to have the meeting go well.
And so, the meeting I was dreading went much better than I expected.
Which is the cause, and which is the effect?
Gratitude
Prior to that – as well as after – today, and last night, I found comfort in a simple umbrella affirmation* (see below). “Thank you, Father*, for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful.”
(*Father = probably triggers people who are Bible-averse or Christianity-averse. To me, I model this after the teachings of Goddard/Murphy. The Father = your subconscious. Your god-self. Your higher self. Whatever you want to call it. It is not an external, separate entity. It is You, the part of You that you summon to the fore when you perform any ritual.)
Back on track –
I’ve always kind of dismissed “gratitude” as a technique. I definitely won’t look down on anyone who finds it helps them to write a list of things they’re grateful for, or anything like that. It can certainly be useful for some people to focus on what they already have, and feel gratitude for it. It just seems like too much effort to me.
When I focus(ed) on this thought – “Thank you, Father” – I am not picking anything specific. And so, perhaps because of this, I found it surprisingly easy to access the feeling of gratitude, and to dwell in it. I wasn’t like “hey I’m feeling suicidal but… hmm, let’s see… I’m grateful because I own a car because some other people don’t get to own a car… yeah…” or “oh my life sucks right now, but at least I have a small waist so that’s cool, I’m just gonna focus on being grateful for that.”
That seems kind of counterproductive. To me anyway.
If you’ve ever felt gratitude, you know how it feels. Just feel that, and focus on that feeling. Don’t tie it to anything specific.
On “affirmations”
*Affirmation is kind of an odd way to put it. I think when we give things special terms we assign them special meanings and give them parameters for success/failure.
No.
“Affirmations” are simply your dominant thoughts. If you pay no mind to what runs through your head, your subconscious will happily fill them in for you. If you do pay those conscious thoughts attention, then you can choose which conscious thoughts to focus on. This is all “affirmations” are. This is what a “mental diet” is.
It’s not a special magic formula where you repeat X affirmations a set amount of times to get Y result. Affirmations are simply your dominant thoughts, and your dominant inner thoughts will be reflected to you by the outer world. If you consciously focus on returning to the same thought over and over, and dwelling on it, and maybe even letting it take you off into a mini-daydream, it is surprisingly easy how quickly your brain will accept this thought and default to it. In the past it’s taken me less than a week of consciously repeating the same thought for my brain to actually default to it whenever my mind would idly stray in the direction of that subject. And yes, I saw returns on it.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough for tonight. Maybe.
I am still taking a break. I have a few things planned. I bought oranges for Bune. I’ve researched more gods and entities that I want to speak with. I think there’s no harm in me going back to simple sigil or words-of-power rituals, maybe Enochian. But I’m not in a rush. My default paradigm continues to be the Law of Assumption, and that in itself is a daily undertaking. “It’s not a ritual, but a lifestyle!” I cry.
Alright, I’m out. Until next time.
March 8, 2021
After a low-key weekend I’m feeling better mentally. But it makes me realise how much of my mood I consider to be is was dependent on outside forces.
It’s becoming more and more clear how much of my own shit I have to work on and the changes I have to make internally.
I have plenty of shit to do, I shouldn’twill no longer find myself sitting on the couch over a weekend doing nothing productive.
At the same time, the outer world is smiling on me in some areas.
No strenuous workings or rituals, but:
First, a shout-out to Bael. Last week or maybe the week before, when I was at work, I drew his sigil and surreptitiously charged it, and have left it out on my desk at the office. The intent being that others (esp. management) leave me completely alone unless I’m interested in engaging with them. I’m hearing stories from my team members, people in the same role as me, about how they’re getting micro-managed, and checked on, and having their hours/output tracked, and given busywork that makes no sense if they have even a single hour free in a 38 hour work-week. I have been exempt and I will continue to be exempt from this. What’s more, I’m getting praised excessively for the work I do complete. Realistically, I’m likely working the least hard out of anyone in my team, I’m getting to do projects that interest me personally, and I’m not getting chased or micro-managed. Bael, you are an absolute unit. Bael has always come through for me.
Second: I have my poppet and my honey jar and my LOA work, and it’s paying off. I take my poppet and I hang out with it. I lie down to meditate while listening to uplifting music and I channel my good feelings into it. I whisper in its ear and tell it what to do. And I’m really happy with how it’s going. I have surpassed happiness into certainty.
Not much else to report. I have some projects in the pipeline but I’m enjoying this minor break from involved daily workings.
Also, I was wrong(?) about my body falling out of sync with the lunar cycle. We still on track give or take a few days.
I leave you with this:
Stop believing in God, and start believing as God.
I’m still largely on break but have been doing a few things here and there. Enochian rituals for a friend. Offerings for Bune. Picked up a copy of Jareth Tempest’s Angels of Omnipotence and immediately used the glyphs to create and fire off my own sigil.
The pathworkings in that book remind me of a vision that another forum member had of me a few weeks ago. So, noting that here for my own future reference. Blue and purple. Ancient beings. Gotcha.
And, as always, my LOA work. That’s been… interesting. I do have to wonder if my spiral of a week or two ago was due to all the subliminals I’ve been listening to + my collective thoughts about my work/life/self over the past few weeks. That’s over now and I am grateful. The subliminals themselves, according to the author, have certain failsafes built into them, to ensure only positive thoughts manifest. However, their general purpose is to accelerate manifestation.
My personal experience with LOA is that if you have some deeply ingrained belief, and you work to change it, there is usually a purge. The subconscious does not like change, so when its core concepts are challenged, it reacts by overloading your outer world with the previously-held belief. Often, obviously, in overwhelmingly negative ways. As if in panic, trying to remind you – “See? All those things you thought were right! We don’t need to change our view of them!”
It does so to protect us, but that doesn’t mean it is to our benefit. Change can be scary and difficult. Especially when you are changing your worldview and your concept of self from the ground up. If anything, don’t take it as discouragement. Take it as a signal that your programming is being rewritten. Lack of evidence is not evidence of lack. Brazen impudence. Walk by faith, not sight.
But it’s interesting to see how attention to general self-concept plays out around me. Things seem to just go my way. At work, clients/customers like me and are extremely agreeable despite a history of recalcitrance. I got three free meals last week. Showers of compliments. People wanting to spend time with me. My coworkers are being basically bent over a barrel and fucked; meanwhile I’m getting left alone and getting praised up and down for what little work I do complete.
Thank you, Father, for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful.
I’m a slave, and I am a master
No restraints, and unchecked collectors
Re: the cord-cutting ritual with the King of Pentacles. I would say it has worked. Thank you Hekate. It has served its purpose as far as things like:
I think of him far less during the day and in general, good or bad.
I (still) think nothing of ignoring the messages he sends me.
My vengeful thoughts have lessened.
I no longer feel any lingering awkwardness around him. I can talk to him as we used to talk when we first met…
…A small note though. In this regard I feel that the cord-cutting was useful in wiping the slate clean of past entanglements. It has not caused complete detachment/disregard/indifference.
I am very annoyed to find that I still consider him very physically attractive, even if I have no desire to act on it (or if I’m being honest: it’s a small, infrequent, manageable desire, which I shan’t act on, because my sights are set on someone else, and because I’ve been there/done that, and it’s… really not worth my while), and that part of me keeps resurfacing… because I’m now capable of actually speaking to him like a normal person, joking and bantering, instead of awkwardly avoiding him. Doesn’t help that I am obligated to spend about 12 hours a week in close proximity to him.
I don’t know. At times I have to remind myself of just how disrespectfully the King of Pents treated me. But like I’ve said before, I just want him to be out of my head forever. There was no “closure”. And there was no real apology for what he did to me. I need to give that closure to myself.
It’s a work in progress.
I exist through my need to self-oblige sHe is something in me that I despise I won’t let this build up inside of me
The solemn hypnotic
A few more notes on my nocturnal subconscious activities.
After my dream of the macaw the other night, I’m finding more and more feathers everywhere. I like them. I’m starting a collection, apparently. I had a friend offer me some of her beautiful, uncommonly-coloured parrot feathers from her collection, apropos of nothing. I’ve found two more beautiful specimens outside this week, one pure white, and another pure black.
Last night I dreamt of the King of Pentacles. It woke me up.
The dream:
In my dream he was staying at “my house” and I spent an entire day trying to get home to him because I was consumed with jealousy that he might be spending time with one of my roommates. When I finally arrived home around 4:00 AM, I found three or four random unknown women silently occupying my “lounge room”. My roommate told me that the King of Pents had invited them over at 3:00 AM. I went into another room and found him there. He was crouched behind a TV, trying to turn it off by ripping all of the connecting cables out of the back of it, instead of just switching it off at the power socket.
I asked him what the fuck he was doing. He met my eyes and said, “I hate all the other women in my life,” implying I was the exception. He looked haggard, wrung out, desolated. (Note to self: he looked how he did in that prophetic dream you had of him, months ago.) I asked him, “What does that mean?” and walked further into the room. I had closed the door behind me.
He stood up to face me and said, “I mean…”, and, after a few moments of contemplation, strode towards me purposefully, as if to kiss or embrace me. Instead, he placed one hand on my waist and another on my neck, and swung me to the side so I no longer blocked his exit. He left his hands there on me, and then said, “I can’t do this.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to?” I asked. We had changed. He had turned away from me, but I embraced him, pressed up against his back. He shook his head and said, “We’re just not good for each other.”
I kissed the nape of his neck. “I know,” I said. And then I woke up.
Two phase experiences last night/this morning. After waking from the aforementioned dream I was dozing and then realised I was in the hypnagogic state when I became aware that I was listening to other people converse. I don’t remember what they said. Following this I sat up sluggishly and separated from my body. My vision was dim and muddy. By the actual time of day, there should have been some sunlight outside. But as always, I woke to the dead of night. I used some “deepening” tactics but but not enough. In one of the separations, I exited the room through the window by my bed. I floated up above the neighbourhood, vision still dim. I flew away, intending to find someone and interact with them. For a brief period my vision was clear, but I lost focus and was pulled back into my body. I don’t remember the other attempt but for knowing I left my body again. I need to focus more on “deepening” techniques.
Until next time. x
March 18-19 2021
Just a short one today (probably).
It’s the end for the weak-at-heart, always the same
On my nocturnal activities of last night: Fell asleep around 9, woke around midnight. Took me a few hours to go back to sleep. I set an intent for an OOBE/projection.
I know I left my body, perhaps three or four times. I didn’t sit up and write my notes down afterwards. The initial period of sleep, three hours, generally doesn’t lead to noteworthy experiences. Too few REM cycles.
What I do remember is scattered, and I am not even sure if these are in order:
I woke, separated, and performed some deepening techniques (rubbing my hands together, breathing on my palms, palpating nearby objects). I have a vague feeling that I left my room, and went somewhere, and saw or did something, but it was nothing noteworthy. Or maybe it was and I’ve simply forgotten.
Awakened in my body, eyes closed, not moving. I shuffled around a bit, figuring I was awake and simply wanting to go to sleep so I wouldn’t be a zombie at work the next day. Dozed for a while, and then I opened my eyes and noticed there was a shadow-figure floating above me. Kind of like the silhouette of a Dementor, but shadow-person black. I felt… I don’t know how to describe it. Its presence was unexpected but I didn’t attribute it to something sinister. I felt more annoyed that this thing would dare intrude on me, rather than feeling threatened or scared. Perhaps because I generally attribute this kind of phenomena as a product of my own mind rather than an external being. I swung my arms at it to shoo it away, and then I opened my mouth to call Metatron. No sound came out at all. So I recognised I was in the hypnagogic state, but with my “astral form” able to wave her arms around. Instead I closed my eyes and called to Metatron internally to remove this bullshit from my presence.
A short while later I opened my eyes again, staring at the black canopy draped over the top of my four-poster bed. I thought to myself, “Lol how dumb, I mistook the black canopy for a shadow person.” Then I realised that while I do have a canopy bed, I don’t have a black canopy draped over the top of it. So, it clicked that I was back in the phase state. I separated from my body again. I found myself suspended in a dark void. I could vaguely see my hands. Tried deepening techniques again – nothing. I tried to summon objects – nothing. I think I closed my eyes and dove through the floor, but I hadn’t a clear or strong enough intention in mind. I don’t remember this leading anywhere.
Eventually I woke again, and moved myself out of the hypnagogic state. I thought perhaps I should write my notes down but instead I decided they weren’t noteworthy and so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Notes:
Again, I believe I have mentioned before, I appear to have no problems leaving my body. I don’t get stuck in sleep paralysis any longer, or experience the deafening buzzing/ringing noise, or vibrations, or anything like that.
What I do wish to solve is the matter of my mastery over this state. Is my will/intent not strong enough? Do I need some other kind of technique to help with deepening the state? The main problem I seem to be having is clarity of vision. I’m re-reading The Phase to help with this. The second problem, but no less important, is not having a solid plan once I enter the state. I need to set an intent to leave my body, and set a goal for what I’ll do once I’ve separated.
Interesting that I had this encounter with a “shadow person”, or rather shadow being (it didn’t feel personified) after a brief touch on the subject with @anon39079500 the other day.
Friday, 19th March
A lullaby for the ones who’ve lost all, reeling inside
When I was a child, I had a shadow person experience. I’m not sure if I detailed it in this journal before. But essentially: I was child afraid of the dark, never sleeping without a nightlight. I used to hear the thrum of my own heartbeat echoed back to me, lying with one ear pressed against the pillow, and imagine it was the steady footfalls of some being gradually approaching. If I ever woke during the night, in the dark, I’d never leave bed of my own accord, but would call out to my parents at the other end of the house to come and fetch me a glass of water, or shepherd me to the bathroom, or what have you. I only started to feel comfortable sleeping in the dark in my mid-twenties. Even now though, I can’t fall asleep at night with any part of my body exposed. I must have a sheet or a blanket over my head at all times.
So, this shadow person experience: I was about seven years old, and I awoke in the dead of night. I remember simply lying in bed staring at the ceiling, my arms and face and upper torso bared to the dark room. Eventually I became aware of an alien presence. I looked toward the door, and there was a very tall shadow, human-shaped, blacker than all the shadows around it; he stood stooped in the doorway, peering at me. We regarded each other. After an indeterminate period of time he approached the bed and held out his hand. I sat up and took his hand, which I remember feeling corporeal and solid. Holding his hand, I climbed out of bed, and he led me down the hallway toward the front door. As soon as we reached the front door I had a moment of clarity, and wondered – wait – what am I doing? Then I turned, and walked calmly back to bed, climbed in, and fell back asleep. At no point during the encounter did I feel any fear, only a sort of dull, peaceful calm.
Later, when I was a teenager, I had another, more jarring experience. I dreamt that I was speaking to a character from a video game. He told me he could teleport. I retorted that I didn’t believe him. He said, “I will teleport into your room, then.” I agreed. And suddenly I was shocked awake, and involuntarily rolled onto my back. I couldn’t move, but my body was vibrating intensely. My eyes rolled upwards, again involuntarily; but I could see in my peripheral vision a humanoid shadow standing by my bedside. All I remember from this experience was sheer terror – it felt like my mind was being pushed out of my body; I could feel the gradual slide of my consciousness being untethered like a physical sensation in my head. It felt like I was being possessed. So of course I fought back mentally, straining and struggling to move, trying to scream but no sound coming out. After what was probably only seconds, but felt like a half hour, I was able to move a pinky finger, and then sensation and movement flooded back to my body, and I sat up gasping for breath on an insane adrenaline high.
General manifestations / umbrella manifestations seem to be a net positive for me this week. But the one thing I was most focused on, I wasn’t able to bring to fruition. I need to examine this and determine what I could’ve done differently. I think it’s just that I’ve mentally adjusted the stakes to be higher, and my subconscious responds.
But the outer world is still reflecting those desires back to me through the words of other people. Interesting.
Oh, and now that I’m focused on manifesting money, I’m seeing massive resistance/negative outcomes in the outer world. Can’t help but feel it’s all connected – as mentioned previously. But, just gotta keep my head up and my eyes focused on the goal.
I’m out of my head, of my heart, and my mind 'Cause you can run but you can’t hide I’m gonna make you mine I’m out of my head, of my heart, and my mind 'Cause I can hear how your flesh now is crying out for more
March 20, 2021
A short one but a good reminder for myself.
My good friend recently had some symptoms checked out and discovered he had the markers for a serious health condition. I sympathised but didn’t accept it. I used a few SH/SATS sessions where he told me the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong after all. And then I persisted in this assumption, refusing to see him as anything but whole and healthy.
The other day I asked him how his specialist appointment went. He told me that he had a test performed again and the tech couldn’t find anything wrong and the results were completely normal.
It is. No illness in my universe, only health and perfection. I will keep going with this, but it’s already done.
March 24 & March 26 2021
Such a strange dream last night. I dreamed of a little white mink (or ferret, or weasel, or something in the mustelidae family) that died and turned into bones, and then while I was cradling its little skeleton, its flesh reformed and it came back to life. I was so happy that I cried, and I awoke weeping. But I think it was a false awakening, because what followed was something of a weird meta-dream, where I fell back asleep but dreamed I was writing down the notes of the dream in my phone. I then became aware I was dreaming lucidly, and so with purpose I strode off into the environment to do… something. But the lucidity only lasted a minute or two, and when I wasn’t able to immediately achieve what I set out to do (whatever it was), I distinctly remember the feeling of falling and fading away back into darkness, letting sleep claim me.
I’ve been re-reading The Phase but I think I need to go through it again cover-to-cover; specifically I remember reading a passage in it recently that said you should be stubborn and persistent in achieving whatever goal you have, because any lapse in focus can immediately cancel the dream state. Also, to never engage in spontaneous occurrences that arise in the state. Stay focused.
Anyway, I’m glad it was a lucid dream and not full AP/OOBE body separation. I’m still having something of a hard time immediately differentiating between reality and awakening into AP/OOBE, and I’m currently living in a high-rise apartment building, so I don’t really want to test the depth of my phase state by leaping off the balcony – assuming I emerge in the same room I fall asleep in, as I do when I’m at home.
Let’s see… what else. I’ve been enjoying myself, having the freedom and privacy to perform rituals aloud – tool-free rituals but rituals nonetheless – instead of hunkering down in my room whispering or performing the LBRP in the shower where I have plausible deniability that I’m simply practicing singing scales.
Will take a moment to reflect on recent LOA/LOB practice. Mindset is good, way back on track. No anxiety, no suicidal ideation. Looking forward to the future with open arms and expectations that are simultaneously zero, but also, great.
Obviously the odd negative thought or bad mood still arises, but I find that in general, I’m far more easily able to brush off negative thoughts,
Still, was in danger of giving myself limiting beliefs about certain things. It’s an annoying concept that “detachment” seems to be key. But again here I reference something I wrote a few weeks ago, paraphrased:
Desire is said to be the root of all suffering. Desire is the acknowledgement of the lack of the thing desired, of the separation between oneself and one’s desire. The key to removing suffering, then, is not to desire nothing, but to remove the feeling of lack and separation between yourself and the desired thing.
Friday, March 26th
Oh, the King of Pentacles. I can feel his sanity crumbling as he sends me strings of drunken texts gradually dissolving further into illegibility. I am really, and I mean REALLY tempted to viciously grind salt into all in the wounds I’ve inadvertently flayed into his emotional state.
REALLY.
I tell myself I’m not a spiteful person. And I can get away with this, under the plausible deniability of me just making cute jokes about a subject that he brought up.
But also, do I want to feel guilty or responsible for causing another human being emotional suffering?
Even though this is like a tiny shard of the hurt and disrespect he has shown me?
So for now I’m just going to leave it.
Maybe I’m just a soft-hearted sentimental fool. 'Cause when he texts me asking for help I can’t bring myself to ignore him. But that makes me think… when I texted him for help back in the day, he’d leave me on read.
Ugh.
This is exactly why I wanted to cut the cord. I don’t want to get dragged back into this shit.
March 28, 2021
Oh how the outer world tried to play tricks on me today. Bombarded with negative after negative. Set some time aside to meditate in the mid-afternoon, specifically an I AM meditation. During, and lingering for hours after, I felt as though my core was a crystal column of pure incandescent white. Despite the circumstances I kept my chin up and focused on affirming: everything is working out in my favour, exactly as it should be.
And you know what… it all worked out, in its own way and in its time, in a way that seemed totally natural. I got what I wanted. And it was delightful.
Thank you, Father, for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful.
Edit for note to future self:
Persistence beats resistance.
Lack of evidence is not evidence of lack.
I AM is my name forever.
I did it,
I am doing it,
And I will continue to do it
Until that which I have done
Is perfectly externalised within my world.
ignore me I'm being dramatic
the constant thought — to end it all crushed up pills — too close to call the balcony from which i’d fall might be the answer after all — to fling myself to unknown fate, uncaring into heaven’s gate
the bliss of nothing left to feel; no more to question what is real and all that effort held aloft relinquished, easy, sighing soft
untethered, then, i’d make my way dissolved into the boundless grey a lighted tunnel waits for me not; only these remnants, left to rot absorbed into the earth’s sweet loam, a wave subsiding into foam, a distant star that lights the gloam, or ash borne on the breeze to roam. all but a step on journey home.
March 30, 2021
Tuesday, March 30th
I left my body last night/early this morning after setting an intention for it. Another sluggish, muddy handful of experiences; maybe three or four.
First I remember waking in the hypnagogic state (in my current dwelling) and feeling/hearing an ominous presence next to the bed. I sat up and sluggishly separated, waving my arms at it to try and shoo it away. I was moving in slow motion. It was there, shadowy but very insubstantial, observing me. I think I then got up and went toward the bathroom to check the mirror and see if I was really projecting. Instead I went to the front door, and tried to phase through it, ending up colliding into it with my shoulder. This surprised me and in the moment of doubt I was pulled back into my body.
In another experience I awoke again, in a different house, one of those amalgamations of places. The shadowy presence was still there. Not really threatening or interfering with me in any way, but I didn’t like it, and I wanted it to leave me alone. I got out of bed and jogged towards the back door. The thing followed me. I slapped a light switch in passing; when it didn’t turn on, I knew I was in the phase state. Incongruously, my sibling’s cat was there right by the back door. He saw me and meowed. I dove through the door and swam up through the air, leaving the shadowy presence behind. But once I was up there, I lost focus, my vision dimmed, and I returned to my body.
Separated again. No shadowy presence this time. I found myself walking along some street outside, wearing the clothes I’d gone to bed in. It was very dark, dead of night with no moon or stars, and I could only really see myself and a few insubstantial details to indicate I was somewhere walking on solid ground and not just floating in a void.
I remembered Raduga talking in The Phase about finding/creating/generating objects in the phase state to help you with material goals. I reached into my pocket expecting to find a bottle of pills with some label on it, so that taking the pill would affect my conscious self. My hand came out empty but feeling as though it was cupped around something, and without questioning it my dream-self opened this non-existent bottle, shook out one non-existent pill, gave it intent, and swallowed it. I then realised I’d essentially mimed this process and had no way of knowing if taking an invisible pill from an invisible bottle would be effective in my conscious state. Very frustrating. I reached into my other pocket, with the intent to find some device that would help to deepen the phase state so I could achieve some goals. My hand came out empty. I lost focus and returned to my body.
Uncomfortable and annoyed, I just roused myself from paralysis and rolled over to find true sleep.
I really want to focus on mastering this state. It’s becoming a not-uncommon experience, perhaps every two to three weeks, and I have no trouble at all separating from my body. It’s just frustrating to keep running into the same blocks, like – it’s always the dead of night, light switches never work, I often leave my body sluggishly and with dim and muddy vision; and I don’t currently have great control over my environment. And this shadow presence seems to keep popping up, which is very fucking annoying.
March 31, 2021
Wednesday, March 31st
Neglected to mention it, but yesterday or the day before I saw a ritual I cast on December 28th last year (2020) come to fruition.
The “Bring Judgement” ritual from Angels of Wrath. I asked that the King of Pentacles “is unable to sleep peacefully knowing what he did to me, he cannot rest until he apologises”.
Well. I finally got an apology for what he did to me. It worked itself out over time. First I had to detach emotionally enough to not care enough about backlash from prompting him to talk about it. Second, I had to remind him (!?!) of the shitty thing he did and tell him it was the shittiest thing that’s ever been done unto me by another. According to him he barely remembered it. But, a day later, he came back with an actual, lengthy, sincere-seeming apology and said he’d been up all night thinking about it.
Now that I think of it, it also fulfils a Uriel ritual from about six months ago. “Make someone know they have hurt you” (Archangels of Magick). I considered that fulfilled because a few hours after the incident I got a throwaway text from him that basically amounted to “sorry lol”.
The last word
I read something interesting on the NG subreddit. It was someone who advocated “coaching yourself”. Essentially, there are some people who peddle their own services based on the teachings of NG or JM. But in this thread on reddit, the OP talked about how s/he set up a new email account, and when they felt lost or down or uncertain, they would email all their thoughts to their new “godself/coach” email.
Then they’d log into their “godself” email inbox (however later – minutes, hours, days, don’t know), and respond to themselves, as a coach, as their godself, giving themselves encouragement and advice.
I LOVED this idea. I immediately went and set up a new “godself” email address. If I feel lost or down or like I need advice, I just email myself all my thoughts, letting it all spill out, all raw and uncertain and unedited.
And then I give it a while – half an hour or more – and I log in to my “godself” email and read the message from myself, and I reply and give myself advice. Because ultimately I already know the answer to these questions and doubts. And it lets me “don the garment” of this wise and knowing coach, giving advice to a little lost lamb.
So when I again log into my normal email, and check my response from my godself, I feel doubly empowered.
Metatron came to claim me once again. I was just doing a regular DoM-style banishing, and, as he likes to do (but hasn’t done for a while), he showed up in force and seized my attention completely. Oh, I missed him, and seems he missed me. I’m a horrible… uh… what is the term for the people patrons give their time and attention and money to? Artist? Singer? Bard? Devotee?
As soon as I called his name, he immediately seized me by the arms and drew me out of my body – well, that’s how it felt. My mentalscape became more real and present and pressing than the physical surrounds and distractions about me. It immediately lifted my mood. I haven’t spoken to him one-on-one in a while, but I feel him close once more. Yes, Metatron, I missed you too.
In other news, I am absolutely horrible at keeping records of my work these days. I’ve lately worked with Dionysus again, which was… promising. I’ve visited Leviathan, I’ve spoken with Melek Tawus. Fruitful conversations all, but I come out of them feeling satisfied and perhaps a tad smug, maybe write a sentence or two about the encounter in my offline journal, then promptly fall asleep.
So, sadly, no groundbreaking encounters rife with new gnosis lately. But I felt myself off-kilter for a while, so it is nice to get back into practical magick that isn’t divination or sigil work (not to say divination or sigil work are lesser; rather that I have simply missed deep pathworking AND ceremonial magick). I’ve managed to sneak some bits in here and there… someone remind me that I have an entity to pay in blood, once the outcome is delivered and I have access to my blood vial again. Or if the former comes before the latter, I’ll happily find a way to spill blood in thanks.
Admittedly I’ve had some off days. Usually, if I am having an off day, I’ll have either some emblem of a peacock or a fox appear at random when I’m in a low mood. Of course it cheers me up at once.
Ultimately it is nothing that the Law cannot handle, and all is put to rights once I remember this basic principle – I am that I am.
Well, tonight (last night, rather, since it’s past midnight), I had some nice events. My loved one whose health I – and my dearest friends, and many of my beloved spirits – have helped restore, told me that she felt better now than she did after the first attack, which was around the year 2006 or so. Funny how I keep forgetting there’s a whole ass decade gone: I keep saying “2016” when referring to it, despite being a decade separated.
When do we begin to feel old? My same loved one tells me never, never – you never feel the age you are. In your head, you’re always young – or rather, you’re always the same person, no matter how much time passes.
And only some of us are lucky enough to grow wiser with age. I remember how disconcerting it was to be a young adult, and to meet fully grown and middle-aged people, only to realise they had plateaued at a certain point, and never advanced beyond it in emotional maturity or in wisdom. I pray that never happens to me.
I want to always grow, but to retain a youthful spirit forever, like my loved one has. Insert funny commentary here about why I’m likely getting asked for ID everywhere I go that requires it, blah blah. Is it because I look youthful, because I feel youthful – or because feel I look youthful – or simply because I run around everywhere dressed like someone just over half my age?
Earlier tonight I examined, too, my mental state; and noticed through pattern that that no matter what it entails, I keep getting things for free. Meals brought to me or paid for at random? Yes. Expensive LEGO sets? Yes. Designer handbags? Yes. Luxury clothing? Yes. Did I ask for them? No. Do they keep coming to me regardless? Yes. Am I complaining? Absolutely not. Am I grateful and thankful? Absolutely yes.
I suppose this aspect of existence is becoming engrained in my psyche.
And believe me, I will give back as much as I get. Thank you for this lesson, Leviathan.
I’m missing a journal entry, somewhere, something I wrote with much feeling. Missing in form and in spirit… so I am looking for it. I will repost it when I find it.
And what’s more, I’ve had occasion, thanks to others’ requests, to expand my repertoire of working. Damn that whole “and to remain silent” thing. So many things I wish to speak of.
If I have enemies, they must love me. Thank you for showing me the path forward.
Same…Haha, seriously, it’s the most precious and powerful thing we have as humans imo. The ability to adapt and stay flexible. Nothing is set in stone. As a fixed earth sign I needed the lesson many times until I understood.
Ive been told i have an old soul, and that I’m very mature for my age. Im at an interesting place where i feel happy most of the time and am able to give good advice when asked for it. I feel fairly content with who I am and haven’t really worried about plateauing so to speak. I think at the end of the day as long as we continue to challenge ourselves and accept criticism (as long as it’s fair) then we should be able to scrape by.
I don’t know if this was a good contribution to your journal and if not i will gladly remove it:heart:
"We do not always get away with what we have done, do we [Veil]?
“But you had this coming. I believe this with my whole heart.”
– [redacted], December 10th, 2022, 5:41 AM AEDT
Oh, I believe it. And I am glad you finally see it too.
That we don’t always get away with what we have done.
I really hope you don’t see tomorrow. I tried to play nice with you 'Cause all you ever do is try to fuck up my day – And you were successful. But I know the truth: No, you don’t have anything better to do – Everything you ever loved has tried to escape you. So why would I want anything to do with you? Fuck you.
I thought my rage sated, or abated. At very least, as I have said before, I thought it limited. Blowing over like a summer storm.
Here in the southern hemisphere, the seasons turn, and we’re only 13 cursed days into summer. Thankfully the weather here is, while fitful, still tending toward its typical overcast days and drizzling rain, with the occasional stifling muggy day breaking up the weeks of fierce wind and rain. Mostly, its verdant greenery is what I like here. Much more than the humid, relentless summers that reign where I was born; the heat and sweat sapping your will for the greater part of a year. There, rain is a rare blessing. Here, where I am now, rain and storm and hail are the norm. But the greenery… so much growth. So much beauty. The trees actually turn gold and lose their leaves for the winter. Tulips grow in gardens. Cherry blossoms explode in the first few days of spring. Moss and grass spring up in the random patches of soil between the pavement, instead of the blasted, red-tinted rock and dry earth and gravel that I’m used to.
So. Whether due to change in circumstance, or in locale, I am not finding rage as easy to put aside these days. I am more isolated. Less agreeable. Less tolerant.
Unfortunately, I cannot state that it’s good for my ongoing work with the Law. Despite how much I keep getting and being given. (I’m going on a free vacation to some resort this weekend? OK. I don’t even remember being asked.)
It is a bit of sweet release in emotional alchemy though. And despite my space not being quite right, exactly, I am talking more. I can’t sleep, so I lay awake and talk to the dark. Resenting the flimsy curtains that let any moonlight in. Remembering growing up terrified of the dark. Now wishing I could be in a truly lightless room. Complete sensory deprivation. Nothing but me, and the sweet leaf-green light, and the sun and the moon in the sky at the same time, and the blood in the water, and the cool pale marble against my back, and the feeling of sweat-slicked skin, and the whispering hiss of sibilant scales contracting and expanding, and the grey fog, the forge-light, the crack of thunder, the surge of water down a ravine, the lightless city and the field of lilies.
Hmm, maybe I should actually go book some time in a sensory deprivation chamber.
Gods I miss my blood vial. And the fact that no pharmacy I can find sells scalpels. Having to resort to more creative methods to spill blood. Annoying.
Edit: Feeling better after a lovely grounding and banishing session, then holding court with Metatron and Melek Taus. I love you both so dearly. Thank you for being there for me.
The righteous shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance; He shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked, So that men will say, “Surely there is a reward for the righteous; “Surely He is God who judges in the earth.”
It’s baffling to feel so misunderstood. Is it the fault of the writer or the reader? Maybe both, maybe neither. I would think “Don’t ever contact me again” was pretty unequivocal. But I’ve been shown that it’s apparently open to interpretation. Mysteries I suppose we’ll never unravel.
I thought I had achieved a kind of clarity: the kind that really only comes from repeating the same phrase over and over. Like the Law and affirmations and all.
For the first time in months, I feel at peace. Was it worth the sleepless nights, the horrid dreams, the endless dread and terror of most waking hours for the past six months? Hm… I don’t think so. Maybe time will tell. I always knew I was capable of being angry – or if really pushed, surpassing anger into a state of coldness completely devoid of emotion. Didn’t really know until recently that I had a level beyond ice; where the frost cracks and I am ignited by rage.
Odd how I’ve changed that way. I have held grudges before, but generally on behalf of others. For myself, I always found it hard to hold a grudge, and my better nature would win out within a matter of weeks, and I’d forgive. Now I find I simply burn and burn and burn without end.
Maybe it’s proportionate to the fuel that feeds it – months and months of stacking tinder and fodder, every layer becoming heavier and heavier.
A fitting funeral pyre on which to sacrifice my better nature.
I simply don’t feel it any longer. Like it has been burned out of me: that capacity for empathy and tolerance and mercy and forgiveness. Now there’s only indiscriminate, biting cold flames.
And why would any better nature remain in me for a clearly admitted, perfectly obvious liar?
Farewell.
Aegis bless me, and bless all who read this. Except for liars.
– Veil
Below originally posted here. Five months is a long time, isn’t it. I feel weird
25.07.22
In that last dance of chances I shall partner you no more. I shall watch another turn you As you move across the floor.
In that last dance of chances We shall know each other’s minds. We shall part with our regrets When the tie no longer binds.
― Robin Hobb, Fool’s Fate
To peek into a closed book
Me: LBRP opening beginning with Gabriel and ending with Sandalphon. Metatron pathworking. We stayed there on the icy shore and spoke. When given the OK to speak, I spoke my lines, and my love repeated them to me. With one hand I was free-writing, automatic writing, seemingly Metatron’s commentary. “On the shore ___ icy winter lake – he is not spiky. Red thread of fate.”
I saw my love stand before me, and Ra was kind enough to stand no taller than Metatron. Upon my first vow – “heard” from Metatron. Upon the one my love specifically added – “true” (emphatically). Then when we were done, Metatron wrote “Meadow thawed from ice[,] calm. ‘The Garden of Paradise lies around the corner’. No need to weep.” I thought about if I had brought Melek Taus instead. Response: “Good, then Ra can stomp on him.” (Not a huge fan of this reference to a past event.)
Then I wrote something in Hebrew which isn’t exact (?) but in various combinations of consonants means either ‘to drum’, ‘to map’, ‘to live’, ‘why’, or ‘of course’. Then Metatron said, “The grains of sand, who can count them? This is your blessing for all time”.
&
My love: I closed my eyes and I saw colours, like a foggy galactic landscape, dim but not not dark. The colours were muted, grey and beige. The ground I stood on was obscured by crimson-red fog, reminiscent of some cheap horror/gore film.
I turned back and saw my servitor and my soul animal approach. After petting them I turned back to see a well, and as i walked towards it, the fog swirled around my legs, with an almost kinetic sense of touch. As I approached the well i saw it was suffused with golden light. I felt urged to leap into the well.
So, I leapt in, and fell. It felt as though i fell from a great height, from the heavens or the cosmos to the earth. As i reached a certain point, the gravity of my fall reversed, and I began to fall upwards. I ascended out of the well, and instead of the crimson fog, i landed in water.
But this water was not of the water one would know. It was something out of Genesis, or Divine Pymander of Corpus Hermeticum.
My spirit guide was gone, as was my servitor. I turned and saw Ra, at least ten metres tall, even seated as he was, meditating in lotus position.
In that moment my loved one asked, “May I speak now?” – aloud, I agreed, even as I approached Ra. My loved one and I spoke our vows back and forth. A presence overwhelmed me, something I can only describe as a primordial force or soul, which cannot be looked at directly.
And then I raised my left hand, or was it being pulled? This I don’t know. Upon my ring finger I saw a red string wrapped, I felt its weight and its volume physically too, even after the pathworking was over.
Ra was looking at me. Maybe looking down would be a better word, considering how gargantuan he was. After we finished our vows I felt… different. I didn’t feel like I was a man, but Man, with a capital M. The Essential Man, the first man, Adam Kadmon, whatever you may call it. Man before the fall.
Everywhere around us were flowers, as if I was in Garden of Eden now. I have no idea why the symbolism was like this. It felt like as if I ascended above the seven planets and now I was something more. I thanked Ra and my loved one for this and everything that let me to this moment, as without them, it wouldn’t be possible.
I came back to my senses not long after. There was that spark in me, once again, in my chest. My loved one said that I was shining on astral.
Edit: No frontloading, we each did this at the same time and only compared experiences/notes afterwards.
Yours again soon,
V
Let’s go back in time some.
Thursday, April 1st, 2021
Today was a surprisingly good day. I emerged into wakefulness with my brain already doing its thing, immediately bringing up all the worries and forging ahead with its monkey-brained chattering. I like to set my alarm early and then lie in bed for another 20 minutes, still in that wide-open state, and use it to focus my intent.
So, last night I was thinking about Goddard’s experience being discharged from the army, and how he had a dream where he simply heard the voice of the Father:
That which I have done, I have done. Do nothing!
I was repeating it in my head all last night. “That which I have done, I have done.”
Today when I woke up, I recognised and observed the mental chatter, and just asked myself a question: who do I want to be today?
And the answer was obvious. Do I want to be the person who frets and worries and forces and pleads and
Nah. Today I am someone new. I am someone who deserves to feel peaceful. I am someone who deserves to feel happy, loved, whole, and fulfilled. Someone who is joyful and charming and admired and universally adored. Someone who is popular and always getting calls and messages from everyone I know.
Funny that last part, because today I had a coworker ask for my number (purely platonically) and we were texting all day.
It made me reflect further on things I’ve mentioned before; about the separation between self and desire, and about the wanting of things. It is not about wanting, or asking, or begging, or any of that. It’s simply about recognising the illusion of separation, and recognising the limiting beliefs we unconsciously place upon ourselves.
When there is something we want, we tend to look outside for confirmation or validation or for signs of the thing coming. It’s not about that. It’s about turning inward and recognising the self as the one who is deserving and capable of having those things happen to them.
Again, that whole question of self-concept. LOA is my primary model, but this informs the way I approach ritual as well. Do not try and change the outer world: change yourself, and the way you see yourself. It is not specific, it is general. And it is much easier than trying to impose your will on the outer world.
How do I explain the nuance? Say for instance that you want a certain type of car. First, you don’t worry about the how. Second, you don’t worry about the why. For:
God does not ask you to consider the means, but to define the end.
Third, you would never spend even a second of time thinking about how the car feels about you having it as its owner. Does that sound dumb? Yeah, I say that to highlight its relevance in influencing other people. Don’t waste a second of time thinking “oh my boss gave me a promotion because I got so many good reviews from customers” or “oh my boss really likes me and thinks I’m a hard worker and that’s why I got a promotion”.
Fuck all of that off, it’s useless. Focus on YOU and changing who YOU are. Who are you? I AM. I AM someone who is always getting promoted. I AM someone who never worries about money. I AM someone who is extremely valuable to my company. Et cetera.
So, that’s who I am today. And that’s who I’ll choose to be tomorrow. I am someone who is loved, admired, valued, peaceful, calm, fulfilled, whole. I CHOOSE to be that. Nothing in the outer world can give that to me, only I can give it to myself. So if any thoughts occur in my mind to counter that, I just deny it. “I am someone new now. I am someone who deserves to be happy, loved, and peaceful.” (Have I spoken of this before?)
Envoy
I also, last night, did a ritual with Raziel and Haniel. And it was quite different to what I’ve experienced before. My mental impression of Raziel was not as a disembodied male-seeming sphere of yellow light, but rather, a woman of human proportion, in a hooded robe panelled in purple and yellow/gold, with a design on the breast – I’m not quite sure what, maybe a seven- or nine-pointed star?
Rather than rushing through the ritual I spoke with her first, and she was accommodating as I hastily scribbled out my notes. Forgive me since I tend to personally kind of look askance at fully detailed conversations, for me, it more of a stream-of-consciousness exchange. I don’t hear spirits, as though I’m conversing with another human in the same room. Rather I get a sense of what they wish to convey, and I interpret it through my own filters. The one thing it does have in common with an everyday conversation with another human is that it happens seamlessly at its own speed, and reveals much, but often too quickly for me to grasp every fine detail or note it down.
From my notes; at one point I quoted to her, from the Bornless Rite, “For I am the one whose godhood is great,” and she smiled and said, “As are we all.” I asked then if we were created for amusement – for what purpose? Are we of the same source, her and I? And the answer was something like: For fascination… to experience the world from all angles and aspects, from the highest angel to the lowest ant. Giving me the sense that everything has consciousness, to a greater or lesser degree.
This was before I’d even finished “summoning” her properly – so after our conversation I called to her, directly in front of me – Raziel, Raziel, Raziel. It seemed she liked this acknowledgement of her true name.
And after that, I called Haniel. And rather than the form I’ve seen him her in before, Haniel appeared as a woman, again in human proportions, robed in soft pink and surrounded by pink roses. I conversed with her briefly in wonder, and a wave of love and compassion emanated from her and washed over me, so I wept. Not for the first time when calling on Haniel.
I feel better being home, in my own temple. And I have some ritual experiments to work on, added to my list, which I’ll likely bump to the top.
There’s a Goetic demon I’d like to summon and to imbue his her power into the little mink-familiar who guards my temple space, and to ask for protection.
There’s the owl feather I have, which I’d like to see if I can use to connect to its original owner (not knowing if it’s still living) and see if its spirit will be willing to help me, as a familiar, with other work.
There’s the below which I posted on another thread and promptly forgot about:
And, I have another sort-of group working coming up; more of a “BALG book club” endeavour than another MFWB. But I am looking forward to that.
Finally, I bought more oranges for Bune today. And while I was at the dollar store perusing candles, I wondered which kind I’d buy for her. A light green one caught my eye, and I considered it, uncertain, wondering if there were other or better colours I could use instead.
A few moments later another woman walked up to the candle section and excused herself to step in front of me. She started collecting the light green candles by the handful until her arms were full, and laughingly told me she was on a mission to buy candles for her mum. I said, “Hard to decide, right? So many flavours to choose from.”
She said, “Oh, I love a good candle. The green ones are so nice. Definitely recommend them.” She’d left only one on the shelf.
“Well, if you recommend it,” I said. And so I took the last green candle for Bune. Am not one to turn aside when someone, or something, is trying to give me a sign.
One note I wanted to add on to my post of yesterday:
I neglected to mention it, but I think the “technique” of phrasing affirmations this way has a greater ability to bypass your stubborn conscious mind, similar to the way “afformations” / “askfirmations” work – which is when you affirm by asking yourself questions, like “why does money come to me so easily?” “why am I so skinny?” “how is it so easy for me to get dates?” – when you ask yourself a question, your brain will accept the conclusion as truth and internally scramble around in the background trying to figure out the answer.
Your brain is always trying to work around your thoughts and prove them to you, one way or another – positive, neutral, or negative.
Saying “I am someone who deserves…” gives me a similar feeling. It doesn’t feel like or a struggle or an argument, there’s no feeling of force or resistance as there might be if I were to just repeat to myself “I am wealthy”. If I think that to myself, it can stir up doubts. Some part of my brain is like “Hmm, are you though? Then why do you spend so much time dreading looking at your bank account and worrying about how much money you’ve spent this week?” – that’s not what wealthy people do.
You want your brain working with you, not against you. And let’s be honest, most people do have an innate sense of worthiness – main character syndrome. They, we, you, I do believe deep down that we do deserve to have good things happen to us: that we deserve the fulfilment of our goals, we deserve a happy ending. Don’t fight against your own brain, work with it. I’ve found personally that a huge part of manifesting is simply accepting and allowing and getting the hell out of your own way. Remove your attention from what you do not want and place it on what you do want. Simple – not easy.
On a slightly different topic, when it comes to manifesting specific people – there are seemingly many pitfalls and traps along the way and it’s so easy to fall into them. Obviously I am no exception and I’ve spent my fair share of time focused solely on other people, rather than myself.
The truth is, when you put so much focus on someone other than yourself, sooner or later you place them on a pedestal. That in itself is detrimental. Rather, place yourself on a pedestal. Stop wasting time and energy affirming “X loves me” or “X wants to hook up with me” or “X finds me attractive” or “X calls me all the time”. No, it doesn’t hurt, but those thoughts should be supplementary or complementary to bigger and better things. (Also, honestly, you’d be better off going for something like “I am X’s favourite person” or “I am X’s dream boy/girl” or “I am X’s boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse”.
There are no exceptions to the Law. If you see yourself as universally loved, if your self-concept is of someone who is always lucky in love and always blessed with wonderful relationships, if you see yourself as someone who always gets what they want no matter what, someone whose romantic affections are always returned by the person you’re interested in - your specific person must conform to that. No exceptions.
It’s the same as manifesting anything – money, or a certain car, or a new computer. “Money wants to come to me”, “this car really wants me as its owner”, “the new computer is obsessed with me” – sounds kinda silly, right? Focus on yourself as being the person who already has the thing they want, who deserves to have the thing they want, and watch the world shift around to make that happen.
Few more notes just on general evolution of my practice. I’ve been using both of the following prior to any workings:
I do this after the Invocation of Inner Divinity, holding my hands outstretched, palms up and open, as I envision any unwanted beings or astral trash becoming locked and suspended in place around my temple area. Then I turn my palms down, and sharply gesture downward with both arms simultaneously (still holding arms outstretched – kind of like a bird flapping its wings down, once), envisioning all the astral garbage and unwanted presences and “negative energy” around me being crushed out of existence and banished from my space. It’s very effective.
I’ve also – kind of going back to basics here – but when I perform any opening rite, I picture myself sitting or standing in the darkness at the centre of the universe, and when I call out or vibrate words or names (aloud, but usually silently), I “hear” them emanating from me and crossing the vast distances of the universe, losing no power or volume. It gives me this curious feeling, like I’ve just lit myself up on some other plane, and in response I sense the firefly-flash signal of other beings, near or far, lighting up in response, like raising their heads to the call, even if in pure curiosity, if they are not the ones I’m calling.
Finally I’ve also adopted the method of – I think it’s of The 72 Angels of Magick – where calling on any angelic presence, I call their name thrice and imagine lightning striking my crown on each call.
Not much else to report. I accidentally fell asleep while evoking Dantalion about two nights ago. I kept dipping deep into trance and losing focus. I did get a sense of his presence and I was able to communicate to him what I wanted, but it was sloppy, so I’ll probably make him a welcoming cup of tea and then re-do it.
Finally, thought I’d link this here:
A nice little summary of my ritual successes to remind myself in moments of doubt not that there are many of those. Plus it’s a fun thread, go participate.
Until next time
Monday, April 5th, 2021
Starting the BALG book club working. Quoting my experience here:
Hmm, a few things.
I’ve commonly watched movies that really fascinated me back-to-back – like watching them 3 times in 3 days – but never done the same with books until now. Losing myself in books, shows, or films was my only respite until recently (and still remains a lovely source of escape).
And yet now I have a cornerstone, a keystone, of magick, which anchors and grounds me better than anything. I haven’t experienced such peace for the past six months as I have in the last three or four days combined.
Will I ever be deserving of the ones I love, who do so much for me?
Leviathan claimed one of my fingernails again (this is becoming a recurring pattern). Can wholeheartedly say it’s worth it.
I still have some scores to settle, with some “professionals” in a certain field, who have demonstrated a remarkable lack of care for their chosen profession. Now grounded by this beloved keystone, I no longer feel the black and burning and all-consuming rage against them, but I still dearly wish to mete out punishment.
Incidentally, I saw an ex in a TV commercial the other day. As if I needed another reason to dislike commercials. Or exes.
Last week it probably would have filled me with rage again. Yesterday it simply made me contemplative. Like maybe I’ll do something on behalf of all the women he might meet in future, so they don’t deal with the same bullshit I did.
Meanwhile, let’s see… more free things. Expensive wine. Furniture. Holidays. Gifts. Jewellery. Living situations.
It’s good… but is it enough? I would like to say yes, but I don’t think anything will ever be enough. I don’t think everything would be enough for me.
Don’t mistake me for being ungrateful, though. I am grateful for everything.
Do we ever stop wanting more?
31.12.22
Despite thinking I’d channel someone completely different from some fictional universe, I can’t stop dreaming of Homelander??? So either I’m fucked in the head… or I desire to be so fucked in the head that I’m utterly without consequence.
Great.
When I finally I stopped dreaming about Homelander I started dreaming about one of my exes. One who I hold in utter disregard, if not contempt. Yet night after night, there he is. How fucking annoying. I haven’t even seen him in person in… coming up on three years. Gtfo my dreams, thanks.
Also, how fucking annoying that I still believe in the intrinsic good in people. Imagine the bottom dropping out of my heart when I found out that was not the case for people I thought I knew. Not in the eyes of people, nor the eyes of the law.
And if anyone reading this thinks it’s about/directed at them – believe me, it isn’t.
Happy to report that my hair is now easily as long as, or slightly longer than, one half wingspan. Longer than my outstretched arm. Which I suppose I means that my hair length, doubled, is as long as I am…? I think that’s how human measurement works but it doesn’t seem right somehow. Maybe doubled it’d be down to my mid-calves or something.
Anyway, please enjoy this “outward manifestation of the storm that [is] raging inside of me”. – Prince Zuko
Silent dance with death Everything is lost Torn by the arrival of Autumn. The blink of an eye, you know it’s me You keep the dagger close at hand
And you saw nothing.
False love turned to pure hate The wind cried a lamentation before merging with the grey.
3.01.23
Had a sincere and burning wish that a certain cunt of a doctor I’ve had the displeasure of dealing with would suffer (oh yeah, the one I mentioned back in December). Got a call today saying she had to call out of work for a week at the last minute and I had to schedule an appointment with another doctor at the clinic in lieu. Good. I hope she is suffering. And note, this is a doctor who is available 7 days a week and all public holidays.
Nek minut (well really, a few hours later) I notice this:
Nice crescent cut and another random scratch. Apparently bled? No idea where they came from. Especially since my thumbnail disappeared weeks ago and is cut down to the quick.
No illness in my universe, only health and perfection. I will keep going with this, but it’s already done.
And it was delightful.
ever onwards and upwards!
Then Metatron said, “The grains of sand, who can count them? This is your blessing for all time”.
not that there are many of those. Plus it’s a fun thread, go participate.
I love you.
rent free