The Last Word

July 5, 2020

So writing keeps me honest, and it’s easier to write with an audience, my personal journals notwithstanding. If not an active audience, then at least the idea that my thoughts are out there, possibly having some resonance in others’ spheres.

I should feel despondent right now perhaps, but I feel equalised. In balance. I have been reading, reading, educating myself, feeling more myself again in doing so. The works of Neville Goddard have been… panacea. Certainty of outcome brings peace. I have been acting more in alignment with my own values, knowing, as Dantalion impressed on me, that “it is too late, it is already done”. See:

Recently I realised that humans, as young children, learn emotions. These emotions are wholly integrated in each of us, down to the very marrow. The experience of joy, excitement, fulfilment; all of these are as ingrained in us as breathing – lessons from our earliest days. They are yours to feel, any time you so choose to access them. So choose them. Live the experience of “having” and feel the joy, the excitement, the fulfilment. It is hard work to train your mind to turn away from negatives, but it is worth it. As an exercise in manifestation, yes, but more so purely as balm for the soul, to realise you can tap into the mindset of happiness, abundance, contentment whenever you wish.

The more I read, the more I agree that everyone (or everything) is “you pushed out”. We’re all lizard-brained neanderthals sitting around the fire, projecting shadow puppets on the cave wall, changing the scenery with the merest twist of a finger. Consensus reality is not beyond your scope of effect.

This is all vague as hell, right? Let me be more concrete. This is a journal. It may or may not have additional ramblings appended in future. Two things I’d like to share at this time:

This thread -

Affirms my own view of reality, as well as its related reading: Why Time “Flows” but Space Just “Is”? Could This Be an Illusion?

I like my magic to be heavily flavoured with theory, I suppose.

A Poem for Sallos

Second, I feel compelled to share the following, which continually fascinates me (and maybe only me). It is the first part of a very personal poem written as part of a petition to Duke Sallos. Oh yes, the petition was granted, but is still very much a work in progress. In my case, it was written in one night, transcribed in ink onto handmade paper, read aloud, signed with Duke Sallos’s seal, then burned with a sample of my dried blood. I then refused to re-read the poem (saved on my computer) until the petition was granted, despite being very tempted to do so. If it wasn’t clear, the petition is love/relationship based.

I share only the first part as it is quite personal, but I feel comfortable urging others to reach out to the mighty Duke, and if you please, to adapt this for your own ends. Certainly add your own flair, make it heartfelt, outline your desire and your offering. I hope someone else might find use of it.

Serena Alora Sallos Aken
who will we be when we come to the end?
the thread of two heartbeats each thrumming in time
all is before us, all is behind
in each world, in each pattern, to search and to find
splitting, diverting, coming back to one kind
in twain and betwixt and before and behind
above and below, each dimension, each time
drawn to each other beyond rational mind
my heartbeat in his, his heartbeat in mine
the Duke in his Palace tilts his ear to my rhyme

And with that, I bid you, good reader, adieu.

A note from the Fool

Hello friends & welcome to the ramblings of your favourite Fool.

I’m going to be moving my old posts to this thread from another website, so that I don’t misplace them later. (All the originals can be found here.) However, I doubt that the things I was doing two years ago (while still figuring myself and my practice out) are of particular interest to anyone but me, so they’ll be hidden as summaries, unless I find anything of particular note.

Forgive my spamming and I’ll go back to my regular Foolish ramblings once I’m done.


July 7, 2020 - Summoning King Paimon

A week or two ago I had a dream where I saw a black car whose numberplate was simply PAIMON. In the dream, of course, I recognised the name, and tried to follow the car out of curiosity, only to lose it and find it and lose sight of it once more, with no satisfying conclusion.

Paimon has been on my mind a bit for the past few weeks, especially following said dream, for I had heard of his powers of mind control and bending will, and I wondered how this might be applicable, but I wanted to find something I deemed worthy before calling on him. Dantalion has worked well for me in the past in this regard, although – not to cast any aspersions whatsoever, for I have deep respect and appreciation for this spirit – it could be said that what I asked for of Dantalion was rather unquantifiable (the fault lies with me, and in the very nature of what I asked for). With that said, I count that Dantalion petition a success, based on words spoken by the person in question.

Tonight I called on Paimon to petition him, and I found the entire experience so pleasant as to be worth writing about.

I have been working based on the rituals in Demons of Magick fairly reliably, that is to say, perhaps five times a week. Me being me, and having full confidence in myself and a blithe disregard for any limitations or drawbacks, I’ve been mostly focusing on full evocation by way of practice, which I’ve so far not had complete success with, but have had very positive signs of progress (thank you, Vine). But that is neither here nor there.

So, I found myself staring into the core ritual sigil for a long time, contemplating the darkness of the void, the primordial matter-antimatter wellspring from which all creation emanated. That fathomless dark is both and neither nothing and everything, all at once, and all it takes is for its depths to be illuminated to reveal its contents as material reality. We manifest by what we choose to illuminate from the depths. It contains all, and it is only what we choose to see, by attention and intention, that we call forth creation.

So in calling Paimon, I felt his attention at once, even before I began the ritual proper. A stately, kingly man riding a camel, dressed in rich fabrics and colours, entirely at ease. His attention gained, he turned and regarded me, and smiled. And all through the ritual I felt his benevolent regard. I offered a shot of rum, which he impressed upon me should rather be tequila instead. As they say; so mote it be.

July 8, 2020 - Signs

Following my calling of Paimon the other night, I drew some cards to see if I could get a feel for the cast. My preferred method is simply to shuffle the deck roughly until a single card is left in my hand, and/or until a card falls out of the deck, which I then lay face-down, and repeat, until I have a sense of “enough”. Even then, I usually draw a final card, which I take to be the card which clarifies and ties together the reading.

In this case I drew four cards, and it seemed significant that upon turning them over, one had been laid down in reverse. I don’t use reverse cards in my readings.

The Hanged Man, Eight of Wands (Rx), Two of Cups, Seven of Cups.

A strong reminder to slow down, to suspend action, to not keep pushing against perceived obstacles, and that doing so will result in the intended outcome. And while the Seven of Cups would appear to be something of a negative card, given its association with “illusion” and “wishful thinking”, I instead take this to be a nod towards my work with LoA and Neville Goddard’s teachings. Overall it seems to be a positive sign regarding my work to inculcate positivity and continue living in the “end”.

Alash Tad Al-Ash Tal Ashtu.

Do I now take the time to talk about my impatience, my extremely limited time-horizon, my almost nonexistent ability to look ahead to the future? Something I keep reminding myself: the immediate is not the permanent. Perhaps it works in my favour? My brain does allow me to sink into daydream and fantasy easily. Do I discuss my experience with limerence and how, while the lows can be crippling, the highs are euphoric, rivalling even pharmaceutically-induced states? And how, looking back at past experiences, the pure effort I poured into living in my imagination resulted in exactly the outcome I was after?

Do I mention how drained and listless I was all of yesterday? Was it the result of a successful cast draining all the energy from me? The echoes of stress from my day job? Or simply being flattened by valium?

In my mind – everything is a sign, nothing is without meaning. To view the world otherwise defeats the whole purpose of the work.

Of signs and portents –

When I first called Belial, I thought offhandedly to offer him the blood from my next random nosebleed, but dismissed it, thinking how unlikely that was to happen anytime soon. I had a “random” nosebleed the very next day, and anointed his sigil with it, and a second nosebleed within the next 10 days that followed, strong enough to drip freely over his sigil. As it dried, each drop looked like a fingerprint.

I had enough left over to save in case I wish to offer it in future to any spirit for a closer bond or an offering. Fingernail trimmings as well, deliberately given in sacrifice, because I love to keep my nails long, and sharpened to points. Perhaps the most precious, I have one or two of my baby teeth, kept in my possession for around two decades. Those I am saving for something truly special, yet to be decided.

When I first petitioned Sallos, the very next day, I saw discarded items on my coffee table, random objects left by my roommate, arranged to look like an engagement ring.

When I first felt Lilith’s energy around me, spontaneous and uncalled, and I began to meditate on her enn – I had a surreal experience, where I was walking down the street, passed under a tree, and an apple with a single bite taken from it fell almost at my feet. A crow flew down after it and simply sat there staring at me. In mundane terms, of course, it was simply a scavenger bird who happened to drop its most recent snack as I was walking by. In magickal terms, it was a singularly ham-fisted biblical reference. Upon some research, I found Lilith has been historically associated with crows, or owls, or birds of prey.

She first appeared to me on the astral as a hawk with the colouring of a barn owl (not a screech owl, as is regularly depicted); just days past, I found an old drawing of mine from years ago, of a bird of prey, which perfectly encapsulated how she had first appeared to me on the astral, down to the flecks and markings of her colouring.

When I first began to contact Vine – historically said to appear as a lion – to assist me on my journey of becoming adept at all magic, within a day or two I stumbled across the following image online, once again, in my pursuit of learning all there is to know about LoA:

I’ll take any signs and synchronities as I see them, and honestly, delight in them as marks of progress.

It should be mentioned too that about a week ago I found myself driving home behind someone whose numberplate was SHAKTI, which of course made me recall my dream of the PAIMON car, strangely referenced or reflected in the waking world. At this point I am not certain I have the capacity to incorporate more deities/research/work into current practices, although it has certainly been added to my list to investigate in future. I have no wish to splinter my attention across too many lines of study or praxis. I should be whole-assing the work already in motion instead of half-assing an assorted collection of disjointed outcomes and juggling relationships with more entities than I can handle.

My next steps – to continue working with Dantalion and Vine, to further honour my pact with Belial, to manifest reality through assumption in conjunction with the aforementioned spirits, and to work with Raphael for healing.


July 11, 2020

My soul feels nourished. I hate not having physical copies of books for my eventual endgame vision of my Beauty-and-the-Beast-esque library, floor to ceiling shelves and sliding ladders and all, but I do like how easy it is to pick up an ebook.

Read through Archangels of Magick, a few rituals already done. Might as well read through everything that the Gallery of Magick has ever published. Rediscovering my dual loves of reading and esoterica is balm for the soul.

I had a little cry the other night calling on Haniel. The whole processing guiding you through picturing the vastness of the universe centred in your solar plexus – it just cements in me that feeling of intrinsic connectedness, being a fragment of the universe experiencing itself. Everything sprung forth from nothing; everything that was, is, and will be; was at one time all one and the same. The universe is infinitely vast, enough to make the micro/macro scale almost meaninglessly absurd in contemplating it. But flung out across the far reaches of every star and galaxy and planet, is a little part of me, a spark that came from the same source; all contains me, and I contain all.

And with that being my mindset I simply refuse to accept limitation. Even that is not the right way to say it. To refuse indicates a choice; to me, it is not so far outside my realm of thought as to be beyond notice.

I have gone ahead and created a bunch of talismans for my own use, and I am interested to see how they all will work, although I’m assuming it’s going to be a very long-term project. At risk of going into too much detail, the eventual goal is to see how thoroughly I can influence another person for their own good.

This goes directly against my previously stated goal of how I imagined my progression would go in my last post. I don’t want to be in danger of spreading myself too thin. But I’m impatient as hell and have the attention span of a goldfish. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Let’s see how it goes.


July 11, 2020

Sat down last night to prepare for an evocation a la Demons of Magick. Got as far as calling on Metatron in the opening ritual. Got no further.

He felt so present. I got lost in the “from above” aspect – His approach from a different plane – and in contemplation of His power, concerning “matters of time” especially. He showed me the fragmented realities, all equally weighted – layer upon layer, extending outward in every direction, encompassing all possibilities. He impressed on me His dominion over not only the fundamental natural universal laws – gravity, time, matter, light – but the fundamental, metaphysical universal laws.

I was shown a tesseract in motion, ceaselessly cycling, inner to outer – “As above, so below”. The inner world affecting the outer world in an endless rotation.

Normally I consider myself quite adept at explaining concepts but all of this just struck the very heart of me in a way that’s so difficult to explain. Funny how personal gnosis can look exactly like descent into religious madness. I promise I’m not going biblical on you all.

Today I did further research on Metatron. I see His role as the “scribe of God”, or, to put my own spin on this biblical title – His role as the source of all creation, filtering conscious Will through the laws of the universe.

I have been seeing so many synchronities; everywhere I look there is a common thread – “I AM”, 1111, 1337, 333. Diving into Neville Goddard’s works have given an entirely different dimension to how I approach magick.

Goddard in all his work attempts to deconstruct and reinterpret the bible, but his approach is decidedly un-Christian, as far as modern Christianity is concerned (in my mind anyway), and more in tune with the occult and the teachings of Thelema (as I understand it).

I promise there’s a point to all this.

Let us compare: Love is the law, love under will, and
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Concerning metaphysical work, “love” is but a shorthand for the feeling of union or unity, gratitude, joy, fulfilment, that “high vibrational” state. Achieving that feeling of Love – union and gratitude – when aligning with your desired outcome – your Will – this is the key.

The latter is simply a couched way of expressing the same. Earth being the mundane, the physical; heaven being the mind. Your only God is your own self. Your kingdom is whatever you make it.

That is the lesson of Metatron, the “cause of causes”. The universal source, tapped into consciously by using the fundamental universal laws.

I leave on this note:
“In Islamic tradition, [Metatron] is known as the Angel of the Veil”. :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

I’m glowing. Goodnight everyone.



The material world is weighing on me today, I had a lot of trouble controlling my emotions. I feel far more at peace in my little temple, but I’ve decided working from home is making me neurotic, and I need to be around people more.

I wanted to once more briefly touch on my musings on Metatron the other night. He at the time impressed on me that I should call on him rather than continuing with the demonic evocation I had planned, so I went ahead and attempted full evocation of Metatron. I did feel his presence strongly still, and see some mild visual disturbances.

Every time I got ahead of myself trying to interpret the impressions I was getting, the message was “be still, and listen”. So I tried to focus my attention on that back auditory centre of the brain. My senses are still not well-developed enough to hear more than a whisper, unless I am severely sleep-deprived.

After a while of intense focus, I entered a trance, and felt myself “sheltered in the very hand of the creator” (shoutout to my fellow Wheel of Time fans), which is a term I generally use flippantly in my day-to-day to describe things which are amazing, superlative – although this time in a literal sense, seeing Metatron as an enormous humanoid carved of white marble made supple flesh, stern-faced yet radiating calm and love, and me literally cradled in his palm. I went to sleep in this state feeling overwhelmingly at peace.

Desperate whining about my love life & doing the most

Today I felt disconnected, displaced, ill-at-ease, resentful of the people and circumstances making me feel this way, when normally I feel it’s so easy to change my mood.

Patience is so difficult for me, I struggle to acknowledge that the immediate is not the permanent. And I know I’m doing the most, doing too much, when I should be resting. It is easier to rest with no influence from the outside world. I am struggling to let go of lust for results, or lust for progress, even though I technically already have what I asked for. It’s a battle between the physical sensations of anxiety and me trying to achieve the sensation of peace and Sabbath – the period of rest, knowing creation is finished.

Anyway, I combined two spells and then layered some more on top because I’m either a genius or a complete and utter lunatic. Dear god, please, anyone reading this, please send me peaceful thoughts.

A honey jar spell, and a spell to regain the upper hand, which are in some regards strikingly similar. When the candle burned out on my honey jar, I wasn’t satisfied with the seal, and so reignited it with some of the dried blood I have saved. The results seemed pretty visually spectacular:

17 July 2020 - YouTube

On rewatch there’s definitely a weird sound from about 0:57 that nothing in my environment could reliably produce… :thinking: if anyone reading is proficient at scanning, input is greatly welcomed.

Although you can definitely hear me listening in the background to this :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

Night, and the spirit of light, calling

And a voice, with the fear of a child, answers

"This is the throne of our ancestors,

“Oh, son of the nation.”

Wait – there’s no mountain too great

Hear the words and have faith

He lives in you, he lives in me

He watches over everything we see

Into the water

Into the truth

In your reflection

He lives in you


July 28, 2020

Since I couldn’t find anything else online about them I thought I would record my brief notes on two angels I’m working with the idea that perhaps one day someone else will go looking for similar impressions if they notice them.


Warm, a golden glow, yellow. Small-ish in stature, in terms of human proportions. Sunflowers. Either wearing a tabard bearing a sunflower emblem, regarding me through a riotous growth of sunflowers, smiling warmly, or holding a long-stemmed sunflower as a staff.


Tall, imposing, big – like a human scaled up to inhuman proportions. Not stern exactly, but serious, almost businesslike, possessing something of a doctor’s bedside manner. Black and silver are his colours.



A minor post. I would say brief but that ain’t me.


I feel like I’m slowly opening up to clairaudience. I will have phrases pop in just as I’m drifting off to sleep. Reminds me of when I was a teenager and used to be very sensitive, and every night when I’d drift off to sleep, I’d hear a cacophony of overlapping voices; like walking down a long corridor off which branch many rooms of people talking loudly, or like randomly turning the dial on a radio and picking up a jumble of broadcasts one after the other. If I was dozing in the same room as someone sleeping I’d feel like I could hear their inner monologue. Sometimes when I was a teenager and young adult I’d also randomly experience hearing encouraging voices, like an older man saying “Good job darling” in some proud paternal way.

Still unsure whether it is just my brain regurgitating snippets of spoken information from some deep well of memory. The voices are definitely, clearly distinct from my “inner voice”; as in their source is apparently external. Various male and female voices. Usually when I hear something it startles me, the gate closes, and that’s it. Like if you think about it – where does your inner voice originate? The front of your skull, the top of it, all throughout your head? When I hear something of seeming “external” origin it seems to come from the very middle-back of my head. Usually male voices from the left, female from the right.

Anyway. Nothing important. Only two things I really recall. A few weeks ago as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard two distinct female voices. A giggle, and one said something like, “I think she’s getting it”. The other replied, “You think so?”

Last night I heard what sounded like a male voice speaking something that sounded similar to a demonic enn. It was something like “Ana fasa vafa libre” or “Ana tasa vefa libra”. No idea what it means. I have had the general feeling lately that an entity has been trying to get my attention, although it is not their given enn that I heard. Unsure what to make of it so noting it here for future reference.

Today while I was napping I also heard something that seemed vaguely important but instead of writing it down I just went back to dozing. Sigh.

I’ve been taking a break from direct demonic/angelic entity-related work, which is a shame timing-wise, because I had the house to myself all weekend and would have really relished doing some unabashed singing and chanting to whichever entity. Normally I wait til I’m in the shower and then sing my way through the LBRP so anyone who overhears thinks I’m just practicing vocal scales or something.

Doing the most

Either way, my embarrassingly obvious mistake was to throw too much at one thing in too short a period of time, and attribute too much importance to it; while some aspects worked, I lost control of the situation and allowed it to change me into a lesser version of myself. I am firmly resolute that there will be no repeat occurrences of that, so I’m leaving well enough alone, and in a few months I will be able to look back and see it with more clarity. It’s funny because I was able to let go of lust for results, and then received what I asked for, but I still let fear and doubt get the better of me, and so it unravelled.

Uh, what else? My mood has been good all this past week; at times I would’ve gone so far as to classify it as great. I’m calling on Fotamecus a lot to make the workdays fly by. I created my own servitor as well; I’m interested in seeing how much I can have him do. I’m very fond of him and I would love to share him but his purpose is currently far too specific to be of much use to anyone else.

I am working on myself, I’ve been “mental dieting”, meaning I spend the bulk of my free time reading books/ebooks on occult/esoterica/mysticism and similar topics; here on BALG; or occasionally watching occult-related content on YouTube. I used to pour all my free time into mindlessly scrolling through reddit or playing video games. Consuming rather than creating. I would like to return to a nice balance. And right now I see my consumption of media as investing in myself, rather than just “spending” time.

Alright, I should have gone to sleep hours ago. Goodnight all.



I have been quiet lately. I’m going through a lot at once and the mental exhaustion and overload is real.

Day Zero

Well, at least it is the clean, precise pain of a scalpel now. Not the ragged, tearing agony that claws its way up your throat from your stomach and chokes you.

What else is there to say? I hope the pain goes away soon. I don’t think it will.

And like the addict I am, I’ll probably just keep going back for more.

Pathworking Soul-walking

I’ve been using an experimental healing (emotional healing) method that @ReyCuervo mentioned here, which uses in combination – of all entities – Haniel and Leviathan. Strange bedfellows.

However it has proven to be successful time and time again. I don’t know if it works due to me only having tested it on people I am close to/have worked with spiritually before, or if it would be successful in general.

At some point I plan on opening a dedicated Leviathan thread, so I will expand on the process there so all my Leviathan notes are together.

Another minor disagreement in values

Because the pathworking/soul-walking thing (as I think of) with Leviathan and Haniel worked so well, I wanted to see if I could take someone else on a pathworking with me, during a joint ritual.

Well… I learned the hard way that taking someone to see a very chaotic, ancient, generally unheard-of entity, with no guides, is not a good idea. Disagreements were had. It was interesting (from a ritual/working standpoint) and also kind of horrifying. So I definitely won’t be trying that again in a hurry.

I’m speaking of Melek Taus, by the way. If I can get permission from the other person, I will write more about again. Again, once I have a Melek Taus working thread up… sigh.

Otherwise, I’ll just keep copying my old journal entries across, posting any which I think are particularly relevant to my journal, or might be helpful. I found a few decent ones which might even (gasp!) be worth their own post. Since I have my own category to play around in I may as well fill it with content. Ah, perks.



Awww yea! Cant wait to read these both. Melek Taus is so interesting to me, as Ive never heard of him much until reading your journals. You really sound close with Leviathan too so Im glad I was able to share that artwork with you! At the end just before finishing it I was stressing out like mad thinking “what if this isnt really him?!” Haha

Keep up all your hard work.


You absolutely nailed his depiction and your artwork is incomparable :heart_eyes: promise me you’ll post it on the forum yourself one day!

(And thank you. So happy to have you join us here :two_hearts: )


Maybe one day I will. Feel free to add it to your All About Levi thread if you want. ^.^


November 28, 2020

OBE / Lucidity

Last night I had my very first clean separation OBE leading into a fully lucid dream.

Y’all. I was so excited. This is like my holy grail. I love to sleep, I love to dream, and being lucid in a dream is like this unutterably pleasurable pinnacle of experience (I’m easily pleased, obviously). Luckily I cannot leave my body or dream with full lucidity on demand, or there’s no doubt I’d achieve peak ascetic hermit lifestyle purely as a byproduct of never wanting to do anything else.

So, a toast to it being the first of many. :wine_glass:

To spare the details (jk, I have written everything I remember further down below for anyone who’s actually interested), I’ll just note how multi-layered the experience was, what I think contributed, et cetera.

  • Fasted for something like 20 hours, ate a small meal, then fasted again for around eight hours, through dinnertime. (Mostly unintentional.)

  • Was on heavy painkillers and a tranquilliser. (Prescription/medical necessity, not recreational, fwiw, and I certainly do not recommend this to anyone, only noting it here for posterity.)

  • Dozed in a twilight state for an extended period without fully falling asleep, so I was in a hypnagogic state for a long time, and cycled through multiple sleep paralysis episodes. Usually these happen when I’m lying on my back; interestingly in this case, I was on my side but I lay completely motionless for long enough that my body fell asleep.

  • Rather than the usual deafening buzzing/ringing noise that accompanies sleep paralysis episodes, rather this time I heard whooshing noises, like the wind blowing strongly.

  • Had around three or four sleep paralysis episodes before I was able to separate.

  • I called to Metatron.

  • At some point I obviously fell asleep, but the timeline is blurred. When I left my body, I was completely aware of doing so. It was only on truly waking and then reflecting on the experience that I realised the environment of the experience – while very crisp, detailed, and memorable – was unrealistic, not true to life. My lucid dream-self didn’t question the incongruities at all, and took them as realism, the same way that the non-lucid dream-self does not question the reality of their environment… which is really a fancy way of saying that I left my body, and was floating in my bedroom above my own sleeping form, and I knew it beyond question to be my bedroom, etc., without recognising that the furniture was arranged in a way I’ve never arranged it, and there was a window there that doesn’t exist in real life, which led out into a backyard from a completely different house I lived in when I was younger. That kind of thing.

Detailed dream experience:

First, beforehand, as I was cycling through sleep paralysis episodes, I recognised them as they kept happening, and decided to try using them to my advantage. The first was uncomfortable, and with that slight tinge of fear. I couldn’t see anything. The paralysis ended, I drew the covers back up over my head, and tried again.

The second paralysis episode, I chanted archangel Michael’s name in my head. I don’t have a strong connection to him, nor have I ever worked with him directly, but it seemed right given his role as protector, and because I have been working with angelic currents lately. I tried to leave my body by sinking through the mattress, straining for it. Rather than the deafeningly loud ringing and buzzing in my ears that I’m used to, I heard a whooshing noise, like a gale blowing 'round the eaves of the house. Again, I could see nothing.

The third time, I heard a voice whisper something like, “call your name,” and I immediately thought of Metatron, and began to call to him. I could see, in all the blackness, a single distant star, haloed with light – that corona effect when you’re not wearing your glasses, or of streetlamps through the windshield on a rainy night. I tried to rise from my body. Again I called to Metatron. I heard the whoosh of wind blowing past, again while I was straining to rise.

The image of the star grew larger, and resolved into a strange image. A white circle with a black silhouette, like a caricature of a squat, muscular man. He raised a hand and held up one – two – three fingers. The vision in the circle changed, and it took me a moment to realise I was looking as though through a narrow tunnel at my own body. I watched my body writhe and strain and violently launch itself up from the mattress.

Unsure if there was a fourth paralysis episode, or whether that last one drew itself out further; likely this is the point where I crossed into sleep. I chanted Metatron’s name again, then willed myself to rise, and then simply lifted and peeled away from my body, and was free. I was elated, and I remember thinking “Holy shit, I can’t wait to write about this on BALG.” :woman_facepalming:

So there I was, floating above my own sleeping form. I reached down and grasped my own legs and marvelled at feeling my own sleeping flesh. Then figuring I may as well make the most of it, I turned and walked straight through the wall and was outside in the yard, one very reminiscent of the backyard outside my childhood bedroom window. As soon as I tried to step through the fence, I found myself back in my bedroom in front of the window, and it took me a few tries of running the exact same route to to realise I was essentially trapped in an endless corridor.

Instead I left my room by walking through the closed door. Incongruities here which I didn’t question at the time, such as sensing my sibling in a nearby room (they currently live in a different state). I saw my roommate’s cats, who noticed me, and one of them immediately ran to me and began yowling for attention. I floated through the rest of the house (an amalgamation of various houses I’ve lived in). The front door was ajar, I walked through it and found myself in what is, on reflection, something very like a video game simulation of a perfect neighbourhood. I’d noticed that I didn’t have anything like the cord or thread connecting me to my physical body that some people speak of, but I also acknowledged that I shouldn’t stray too far, and I’d decided this was essentially the “tutorial area”, and that I should stay nearby and not try to overextend.

The stars overheard were so thickly clustered, bright and beautiful. I danced and turned cartwheels on the lawn, and then realising nothing really tethered me to the earth I just floated up, and glided around the neighbourhood. Not much else here to really note; there were a lot of odd, random structures (again, very video-game-esque), like a giant water tower, and another very tall structure which, when I flew over to it, turned out to be an impossibly tall slide… like you’d find at a children’s playground. I flew to the top but became apprehensive when I considered the size of the slide tube thing and the height of the structure, and that trepidation made me hesitate. After a moment I floated away from the structure back down towards the ground, which caused me to teleport back to my dream-bedroom and my sleeping body, and then immediately awaken in real life.

It was super disorienting, and after I woke up I was in awe for a few moments. Only when I began reflecting and putting the pieces together did it become clear it was not a “true” OBE or astral projection; rather it was an OBE-triggered lucid dream, very vividly experienced and remembered. The question is whether the OBE separation itself was “real”, and what triggered the dream. So strange to dream of an OBE and that in itself causing lucidity, but that blurred line fascinates me. Again, here’s to many more.

More old posts

December 7, 2020 - Sigils, servitors, and when my menstrual cycle synced with the lunar cycle

I literally never thought I would ever speak or write the following words, but here goes: I made a graph, for fun, out of data I’ve been collecting. :exploding_head: I’ve been tracking my menstrual cycle for about 18 months, after coming off hormonal birth control about two years ago.

Given the data, the evidence is quite clear:

  1. I am shit at making graphs.
  2. My menstrual cycle has gradually synchronised with the lunar cycle. :thinking:

Of course there’s a gradual swing over time, but for the past eight months it hasn’t deviated more than three days on average (on both new moon & full moon).

Statistically speaking, it’s technically neither significant nor uncommon, but it does make me wonder if the tides of one’s own body can be harnessed for ritual purposes, so I note it here as another addition to my list for future research/trial.


I’ve been enjoying a general upswing in mood and mindset and I attribute this to my recent exploration into subliminals. So I made my own subliminal track. Can’t wait to report back with my amazing results. :sunglasses:


I’d put a servitor into hibernation. I called him up the night of Thursday December 3. I had to call his name more than thrice for him to appear, seems he was sleeping deeply. When I “touched” him, his being felt full of tangled thoughts. Unsure if this is a flaw in my design. There are thoughts he was supposed to not only change but transmute into an energy source; I don’t know if he was acting as a vessel for the original thoughts because of something I did wrong, or for some other reason. I had the idea to compress them all into a singularity, the centre point became a little blazing star which then immediately radiated out in zig-zags through his construct. I’ll see how it goes.


According to this journal I last performed a ritual on November 19th… I don’t even remember what it was, and it’s not recorded in my offline journal, and it was a DoM ritual, which means I most likely made an offering… which I’ve now forgotten entirely… :grimacing: fuck.

Last night I went ahead with a partial evocation, which was a partial success. :stuck_out_tongue: I slipped very easily into an altered state, and I had a more intense physical reaction than I’ve ever had. Normally when I work with demonic currents all the muscles in my extremities tense up; this time I didn’t notice that so much, because I was focused on how the room temperature dropped significantly in a matter of seconds, and then goosebumps erupted over my entire body, wave after wave. I think my mistake then was moving too quickly to the next part of the ritual, and the intensity lessened. But I could hear faint whispering, and sense the entity very closely, hovering on the edge of visibility, like condensed shadow.

And, I remembered to write it down in my offline journal afterwards. :roll_eyes:

December 9, 2020 - The mink skull

I remember now – I used the DoM opening ritual as an LBRP alternative, that’s it. Phew.

My order of herbs arrived (and the dried garlic flakes that I forgot I ordered alongside, which I proceeded to snack on out of the bag, because I’m a fucking goblin). They came with instructions for making tea… hehe, no. I’m reclined in bed right now smoking mugwort and skullcap. Delightful.


This morning I had another sleep paralysis event. It was largely uneventful, i.e. no OBE separation or anything, but a few interesting things I’ll note here. First, it wasn’t full paralysis, at least not for the entirety of it. I had some small capacity to move, sluggishly and with great effort, like clenching my fist or moving my hand. Second, weird time distortion… which obviously could have been me misremembering events, but I recall that I woke up and looked at my phone, saw that I had precisely 12 minutes until my alarm went off, and decided to doze until then. After I went through the events mentioned below – which if I had to guess took around 30 - 60 minutes of slipping in and out of the hypnagogic state – I roused myself, looked at my phone again, and the time hadn’t changed.

In paralysis – at one point I heard whispers and saw a presence; a tall, cloaked, horned figure stood watching me from the corner of the room. While it didn’t seem threatening, it startled me, and I didn’t recognise the energy, so I traced out a banishing pentagram (or maybe only visualised doing so), called Metatron, and blazed the entire room. Like the heavens opened up and an enormous pillar of holy light blasted everything in sight. Never done that before; very effective.

I then struggled for a bit trying to separate from my body, no success. At one point I did view the room as though I was floating above my body, but it was muddy and dim. Then, I had the same experience as last time, seeing a single white star. I moved toward it, and into it, and this time was rushed along a black tunnel with twisting, transparent purple glyphs lining every surface. At the end of the tunnel was again the white star, which I flew into and emerged from into wakefulness, at the same time hearing very distinctly the cry of an infant. :roll_eyes: It was exactly like how some Hollywood film might represent the soul’s unknown journey into birth. Cheers for that, brain.

Skull / familiar

I bought a little mink skull for my altar. I think I’m going to use it to house a servitor… assuming the existing tenant agrees. :stuck_out_tongue: That begs the question, is there protocol here? Scratch that, it feels wrong – it’d be more right to see if there is any remnant of the little one remaining. I wonder if it might even be friendly and willing to help, or act as a familiar. Strangely, I feel a certain measure of affection for said skull. If I were to have a daemon, or a Patronus, I think it would be something in the polecat family. Add this to my list of things to do. Sooner rather than later, I think.

December 12, 2020 - Binding the mink spirit, and more sleep paralysis


The mink skull – update from a few nights ago:

…I called up the little one’s spirit earlier, she(?) appeared readily. Communication isn’t 100%, on the part of my understanding at least. I said words and directed thoughts, and in return received a stream of mammalian predator consciousness like: cunning-swift-hunt-stalk-kill; mate-fat-sleek-sleep-kits-young

…I invited her to stay around, with her remains as an anchor, and offered the ambient energy from ritual as well as my attention. Got an impression of her pouncing around, winding around all the furniture and insinuating her little body into every crevice, diving into corners of the room to root out and kill stray shadows; stay-hunt-guard-watch-feast.

I’m attached. :pleading_face:And, I’d like to thank @anon39079500 for his advice.

The day after, I called Luna earlier to do some janitorial work and asked her to in no way interfere with the little one, who seems to be a bit territorial.

Noting that Luna feels much more… immense than the past times few times I’ve called her. :thinking: I think it might be just me. I get the sense of her kind of standing at the gateway of a great, crushing, black vortex, a starless galaxy. Maybe that’s where she sends the bad spirits. :stuck_out_tongue:

I performed a ritual earlier today with an angelic current. Smoked a bit of mugwort beforehand. Fucking wild time opening the sigil; after focusing on it so intently for around 60 seconds, I had the dizzying experience of my entire reality sliding sideways. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m used to seeing sigils flash, move, come in and out of focus, et cetera, but I’ve so far not experienced having my entire field of vision warp to one side as though I’d turned my head without moving my eyes. And the angel’s presence was odd and unexpected as well; the only way I can describe it was like… the partially unearthed bust of an enormous statue. Really, just the head, neck, and one shoulder of a giant poking up out of the floor of my room. :woman_shrugging:

Edit: Forgot to add the cards I drew before the skull binding to feel it out.

Signifier: Page of cups, three of cups

Draw: Six of cups, ace of swords, ace of wands (rx), nine of pentacles, 10 of cups, three of wands.

Overall, a very favourable draw.

Wednesday, December 16th

Feel like I’m seeing the early days of some results from the work of a few weeks/months ago, over the past few days. It was only after I stopped caring that they showed up. Actually it was less that I stopped caring and more that I reversed polarity completely: desire into distaste. Not caring is what I’m aiming for.

December 21, 2020 - Easy mental diet (doctors hate her!), recurrent white animals in my dreams

My brain is feeling very optimised right now. Mood is up in general. Much easier to ignore what I don’t want and keep my attention on what I do want. I have this whole flowchart. It goes like this:

I had a thought.
⠀⠀⠀↳ Is it based on the 3D?
lol irrelevant, dismissed.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀is it something you want?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀nice, keep going⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀lol irrelevant, dismissed.

Hopefully you’re all viewing this on desktop and not mobile or it might look pretty whack. :stuck_out_tongue:

Testing the law; minor things are now ridiculously easy to manifest – within hours. The next step, of course, is to fully integrate the realisation that nothing is “big” or “small” but thinking makes it so; however keeping in mind that for “big”, tangible results, larger than “I’m going to see X object/thing” or “someone will mention X uncommon word in conversation” or “I get free coffee”, there is some level of rearrangement required in the 3D world.

Recently realised I had seen a lot of signs about a “big” manifestation goal I set for fun a few weeks ago and then forgot about. Just gonna keep going with it and see what happens. :woman_shrugging:

Thursday, December 24th

Looking back over my dream journal from this year, I’ve seen a few recurring themes:

  • Cats – housecats, lynx, lions
  • Bodies of water
  • Being attacked by white animals - a goanna, a lion, a shark
  • Being stalked by serial killers, being in the presence of threatening men
  • Pregnancy, birth

Interestingly as well, as I look back, a few vaguely prophetic dreams involving various love interests. One that was weirdly involved in its level of detail and occurred about three or four weeks before the actual event. I didn’t connect the dots until I was re-reading my dream journal. The dream was, of course, largely symbolic but very on point.

Sleep paralysis this morning. I’m not sleeping in my usual space. The energy in the room was murky and stale. Heard growling behind me. I would think of something, and then a discarnate voice would whisper the words right back to me. Performed a very sluggish projected LBRP which made the room feel lighter. Then, the usual sleep paralysis event, a tunnel opening before me. No white star this time; perhaps because I didn’t call Metatron. The tunnel resolved into the pupil of an eye, and then the iris appeared around it. I thought it was my own eye I was looking at somehow, but it blinked as it watched me. I’ll do the LBRP again tonight before I go to sleep.

Also, I had a dream recently which indicated the successful result of a ritual… I can’t actually remember if it occurred before or after I performed said ritual. Either way, thumbs up from my subconscious :+1:

Can’t believe the year is almost over. I’m also thinking as well that in a few days, or when I have some spare time, or when I feel like it (who knows when that will be), I will take a look back at tarot readings from this year and comment on their accuracy. I’ve taken a cursory look and there’s some interesting stuff there, most notably that I had a great knack for seeing only what I wanted to see and not what the cards were telling me. :upside_down_face:

December 26, 2020 - More OOBEs

Another OBE (kinda) last night/this morning after setting an intent for it. I’ve been reading The Phase by M. Raduga and it’s blowing my mind. I’ll likely come back and post more about it later since it’s so fascinating.

I woke up a few times and tried separating from my body, no success, so just decided to go back to sleep and try again on the next awakening. I slipped back into sleep, and then later as I crossed the threshold back into wakefulness I started cycling through separation techniques, and soon as they began working I just sat up and climbed out of my body. (No sleep paralysis at all this time.)

The details are hazy, I remember sprinting to the nearest mirror and trying to solidify the experience. However I wasn’t in the house I expected to wake up in, although its layout was familiar to my dreamself; I knew exactly where to run to. The environment solidified into a more well-rendered version of itself… So much so that I went from “Yay, I’m in the ‘phase state’!” to “Oh actually I am 100% awake in the physical world right now.” :woman_facepalming:t3:

I’d forgotten my plan of action, so this happened when I continued to run around the house inspecting the environment, and saw my parents lounging around. I attempted to walk through one of the walls, but instead only collided into it with my shoulder. That’s when my dreamself was like “Oh, I’m actually 100% awake and in the physical world.” I didn’t want my parents to question why I was up early and sprinting all over the house so I ran back to bed and climbed in, and I have no memories after that.

Of course only on reflection do I realise I was indeed conscious in the dream-state.

I’ll try again tomorrow :slight_smile:

December 27, 2020 - The Phase by M. Raduga, and why everyone should read it

GACKT – Longing

Today I finished The Phase: Shattering the Illusion of Reality by Michael Raduga. Actually, I probably powered through it too fast. I intend to go back and re-read and take notes.

Anyone who is reading this, and wants to master astral projection, OBE, or lucid dreaming: if you own any other books about this topic, literally go and throw them all in the trash immediately, and then pick up a copy of this book.

I bought it a few weeks ago and had it sitting idle in my kindle library for all this time before I decided to read it. It’s a comprehensive, straightforward approach to mastering the “phase state”, which the author defines as any state which constitutes full conscious awareness divorced from the physical self — this covers OBEs, lucid dreaming, and astral projection; all of which the author considers to be under the umbrella of the phase state.

While reading it I couldn’t help but see links between his techniques & explanations and my own experiences. And, apparently I am highly predisposed to the phase state, going by the author’s given subjective and objective measures. Nice. Looking through the lens of his paradigm at my own past experiences, I have apparently left my body previously, uncounted times, but until that episode at the end of November, it never fully resolved into a “deep phase” experience; not counting some of the spontaneous lucid dreaming episodes I’ve had over the past few years.

And looking at that first “proper” experience; I had spontaneously followed several key pieces of his advice: the technique of viewing images behind your closed eyelids and being drawn into the image; aggressively and single-mindedly straining to leave your body; “deepening” the experience immediately on separation by scrutinising and examining your immediate surroundings with all your senses.

His mention that — out of thousands of reports from people who’d achieved OBE — most people were unable to explain the feeling of separation without the words “simply” and “easily” was interesting to me as well, and I think it underscores the idea of will vs. intent, which are distinct concepts, although closely related, and very difficult to define clearly in opposition to each other.

Although the author considers himself a materialist, and scorns the notion of the occult having any crossover with the “phase” state, I am intrigued by the possible applications here and insatiably curious to learn more.

What I find most compelling is his statement that the “phase state” is nothing more than the material world, unbound from the usual constraints of our waking senses, and therefore a superposition of all possibilities. He also later states the possibility (rather, the likelihood) of the phase state being governed entirely by the subconscious mind.

Here and there he mentions programming, whether self-programming or programming objects in the phase state… “a practitioner should repeat a desired goal silently or aloud, and, if possible, should imagine experiencing the desired result” — a quote from the author, but this being essentially the two major techniques, SATS (state akin to sleep) and affirmations, of Law of Assumption / Law of Belief practifce. He also devotes a whole section to causing physiological change (mostly focused on self-healing) via the phase state. This, to me, has heavy crossover with Neville Goddard and Joseph Murphy’s LOA/LOB techniques; as do other things he has mentioned, such as the “free-floating” state for entering the phase, being akin to Goddard’s SATS.

Unlike the waking world, which appears before us in our awakened state no matter what; the phase state seems to require constant close scrutiny to uphold itself. The author also goes into detail about how non-observance of the reality of the environment is critical to change… such as closing your eyes in order to translocate, or walk through a wall, or dive through the floor, but I believe this has broader implications as well in the waking world, and closely aligns with LOA/LOB practice.

All in all, I recommend this book highly; despite the author taking a somewhat agnostic and materialistic stance on the practice, I am very interested in what application it has from an occult perspective. After all, to quote Arthur C. Clarke’s third law, “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

…And to quote Clarke’s second law: “The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.”

This, I think, will be my motto for 2021.

All this came at just the right time since I have time off from work over the holidays, which I intend to put to good use. (Actually my plans were vaguely centred around microdosing psychedelics, but I am happy to change course… or do both simultaneously.)

Part of that will be developing a plan for 2021, my extremely limited time horizon be damned, and then bury it somewhere at the back of a cupboard so I can reference it this time next year and point out where I succeeded.

So, given my proclivity for sleep paralysis; beyond inteding to do such mundane things in the “phase state” as rollerskating down a hill really fast, flying to Mars, turning into a dinosaur, etc., I think my attention should also be turned to things like: performing a ritual in the phase state; programming myself with autosuggestion, whether superliminal, placebo, intentional; and exploring the boundaries of consciousness and influence.

I find it comforting that even the media I watch these days seems to point me in the direction of loftier pursuits and higher questions. Although that’s hardly to be questioned since I’m consuming media pickily; but in this case, watching a show based on one of my childhood favourite book series… which I have actually only recently re-read… and finding in it a great deal of food for thought, not only the nature of the characters’ journeys and findings, but also them speaking aloud quotes which I hold dear to my heart: “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”

And the symbology and depth behind the surface can likewise not be ignored. After becoming fascinated with an artist’s depiction of a magician, those depicted hand gestures being… not mimicked by, but synchronised with, characters in said show… which leads to me not only developing my own spin on it, and incorporating it into practice, but then finding greater meaning to it by delving into palmistry and the like. Suffice it to say I’ve never been one for gestures, nor really drawn to ceremonial magic. But the links drawn by the mage themself are ultimately the most meaningful, so I’ll go with it and see where it takes me.

December 28th, 2020 -- of dreams and a method of trance

I dreamed a scene yesterday morning that perfectly matched my intentional day-dreaming of the day before.

Wondering if there was some science to, it I went looking around for more information, and found an article written by someone who spoke of seeding intentional dreams since he was young, and how it went on to influence his life over decades; inadvertently (or perhaps deliberately, in couched terms) describing not only Goddard’s SATS technique, but also much of the theory behind Goddard’s work, using a lot of similar terms. In the same article he quotes from a book seemingly unrelated to the topic, but one that was recommended to me only a few days ago by a friend after I spoke to them about some esoteric topics.

Today I slept in and had a bunch of dreams — no OBE and no sleep paralysis; curse my cozy and restful sleeps — and then laid around in bed watching videos about Robert Munroe. The Gateway Experience document is fascinating, and I do think he was on to something, but I don’t hugely jive with his system, which seems overbloated with theory. Theory is fascinating, but what is the point if it can’t be used to structure a system of practice? Although I do, again, see a lot of crossover between his theories and Goddard’s work.

More and more synchronities. I can’t help but feel like I’m being shepherded toward, and rushed down, a rabbit hole — at great speed — in search of some discovery.

Ultimately I suppose my goal is to have a kind of metaphysical Unifying Theory of Everything; but moreso to be able to put all that theory into practice directly. There are experiments to be done, and practice to be had, but I entirely reject the notion that it should take a lifetime of study to master something, much less to put it in use at all.

Wednesday, December 30th

A lot of dreams, but again no separation, no sleep paralysis. Brief notes:

  • A crocodile wandering around the grounds of my “house”; it wasn’t threatening but I wasn’t happy about its presence. Then it uprooted the corpse of a second crocodile, a partially-eaten one, and dragged it off the property.

  • Being chased by a tiger.

I now find myself in that phase of stasis after breakthrough, in which you realise there is no fast-forwarding through the boring, tiresome, annoying, day-to-day moments of life and you simply have to get through them as best you can; and what’s more, that having some kind of intellectual or spiritual breakthrough doesn’t mean an immediate change in circumstance.

Tomorrow I’ll give some thought to what I want 2021 to look like. And this time tomorrow I will be surrounded by friends and unable to get too bogged down in my moping.


Also wanted to note down a technique for trance I’ve been working with.

  1. Get comfortable, seated or lying, then meditate until relaxed.

  2. Picture a door before you. Open the door. Beyond is nothing but blackness.

  3. Step through the door and close it behind you. You step onto a staircase in ankle-deep water, leading down into the depths.

  4. Continue down the staircase, counting each step. Feel yourself gradually submerged by the water, step by step.

  5. It took me about 23 steps to have my face underwater, and then to find I could still breathe normally. 25 steps to be completely submerged.

  6. You stand on the final stair. Take a deep breath and step off it. There is no ground beneath your feet waiting; sink into the void. Feel the water rushing past you as you sink.

I count pretty fast, but by the time I get to the count of about 20, my body is heavy, my breathing is shallow and regular, and I can feel my face doing that weird “I’m tensing unusually because I’m conversely completely relaxed and couldn’t even open my eyes if I wanted to” thing.

Have also tested combining this with mentally repeating a key phrase as I sink into the void, and then I later repeat the phrase as I simultaneously count down, which seems to trigger a quicker trance response.

January 2, 2022 -- More OOBEs


I have been moping, and I still feel a little mopey. Think I need to do some kind of extreme banishing/cleansing ritual because the last few days have made clear that I still have a lot of limiting beliefs and blocks to deal with. I have a feeling it might be because I’ve been listening to a bunch of subliminals, which are agitating and dredging everything up from my subconscious; my subconscious is maybe reacting to the change by grasping tightly to all those negative beliefs in fear of them being purged. If that’s the case, and it’s simply an extinction burst of negativity, I’ll just have to get through it.


Since the last time I left my body, on Boxing Day, I was heavily focused on doing so again, only to find the experience eluded me day after day (although my dream recall is getting pretty stellar). After I gave up trying to force opportunities for it to happen, what do you know, I had spontaneous sleep paralysis and was able to leave my body four or five times in one session at about 2.00 AM this morning. Which by the way is very annoying, because as it only happened after I stopped thinking about OBE, I had given no thought to what I would do once I was in that state, and having no clear purpose is a surefire way to end the experience early.

Nothing really exciting; the environment was dim and dark each time, and I didn’t put enough focus on “deepening” the experience to clear up my vision. But I did emerge in my own house this time, and I managed to get a look at myself in a mirror. Nothing exciting, but the mirror kept distorting like its surface was made of water. I was able to fly and walk through walls without a problem. I didn’t have a clear plan of action, which is probably why I didn’t get to do much; any lapse in focus seems to send me right back to my body. I did manage to summon a dog out of nowhere with just a thought, he trotted out of the darkness at the end of my driveway. So that answers one question I had about the degree of control over the environment.

Not much to say on the separation front. I was in sleep paralysis and the ringing in my ears was painfully, deafeningly loud. All I really needed to do was “phantom wiggle” one of my hands, and that would be enough to trigger sensations in my subtle body, and then I would just easily peel away, upwards and backwards, from my physical form. A curious feeling.

Interestingly, on the second attempt, I again had the experience of running through the house toward the front door, and one of my parents being there. This time it was my dad, he asked me what I was doing after I tried phasing through the closed front door, which didn’t work. I replied “Nothing,” and then immediately woke up. Makes me wonder if my subconscious brain is drawing some parallel there in terms of parental figure = authority = conscious brain, logic, and reasoning; which is disrupting my subconscious from just doing its thing unchecked. I shouldn’t have to answer to logic when I’m literally a mote of consciousness floating around untethered from my body, damn it.

January 4, 2021 -- A simple dream

Just a short update of not much substance. Had a very hard time falling asleep yesterday and so was awake until around 6AM, not of my choosing. When I finally lay down to sleep I got to watch a feature length film’s worth of images projected onto the black behind my eyelids. Normally I don’t experience this, or if I do it’s for a very short time before falling asleep. Naturally I’ve forgotten most everything, except for some fun disturbing images that came up unbidden, and the vision of a girl peering through a window.

It’s weird. I have a very vivid imagination and have no trouble structuring images in my mind’s eye, but it’s different to see them playing out on the blackness of your closed eyelids, as though you’re actually viewing something in front of you.

Anyway, I dreamed of a rat that turned into a gorilla, who then had a lengthy conversation with me. Allegedly gorillas are a singularly rare dream symbol, so noting it here.

Let’s hope I can fall asleep at a reasonable hour tonight this morning :slight_smile:

(Also @Veil you big dummy the next time you’re awake at an ungodly hour at least do some rituals or something)

January 12, 2021 -- MFWB opening rite with Lucifer pathworking

MFWB opening rite – @ReyCuervo provided a pathworking for Lucifer.

Opened a protective circle à la Demons of Magick, then followed the pathworking. Stars at twilight; a meteor blazed overhead. The stars pulled me closer until I was out floating amongst them. Full moon up close; viewed the earth from space. The meteor fell and I fell with it. It plummeted into the Tasman sea. On a beach of coarse black and bone-coloured sand, a violent wave threw itself ashore. Crabs surfaced from their burrows. The crunch of footfalls passing by, emerging from the ocean; only his feet could be seen.

For my notes, I don’t think my trance state was deep enough, and my connection to him felt uncertain, although I’ve not worked with Lucifer before. I tried to see his face and had the fleeting impression of a calm-looking man of indeterminate age, with long silvery hair, neither handsome nor plain. I saw his mouth move but heard nothing and got no impressions.

When the image faded I called his name three times. Asked for him to watch over the group. I saw a group of people crowded into a circle. A meteor landed in the centre and fountained a wave of light over the group.

1:29 PM

False awakening this morning. I woke up with a nosebleed, blood dripping all over my sheets. Upon awakening for real, paralysis, except I could still slightly move some of my extremeties. Tried to separate from my body but no luck.

Had a really hard time falling asleep last night and didn’t fall asleep until maybe 4.30 or 5 am. Weird to passively witness the lapses in consciousness, and the moment your breathing shifts from manual to automatic.

Not much else to report.

January 23, 2021 -- Impotent OOBes and reflections on the year gone

There was another post I was writing, a reflection on the year just gone, but one year is much like another, so I’ll write this instead.

Feels like my world has opened up a bit more lately – the convergence of everything I’ve been keenly interested in and learning about – resulting in a paradigm which is something akin to a practical take on reality isn’t real. Oneirosophy meets chaos magick meets Law of Assumption meets… something else.

While I am still a master of none, I feel as though I’ve taken a couple shortcuts to get to where I am now.

The rituals and LOA seeds I planted in the last quarter of 2020 are now bearing fruit, ripening as I write this. The only choice that remains is whether to harvest or to let them wither on the vine. :thinking:

Right now I’m in a place where I don’t necessarily want the things I wanted back then; I know I’ll be fine without them, and if anything, might even be better off. But it is gratifying to see the results.

I strategically cast rituals through late September until the end of October.

October 29th, I saw the first sprouting.

Progression all through November, but I was so detached I didn’t respond to it at all. December continued much the same.

December 30th, I spontaneously felt a strong presence nearby me, that would not go away.

January 5th, a clear dream in which I lived the outcome of a ritual I cast for in September or October.

January 8th, an unequivocal sign that the outcome was in motion.

Now, a full manifestation of the LOA affirmations I’d began with in late October.

(Apologies it’s so vague on detail.)

I had been reading a lot of Goddard-esque or Goddard-inspired literature… I no longer feel the need for it. At some point you have enough information and must put it into practice.

I’ve been listening to subliminal audio; ones that generally serve to remove resistance and “blockages” and the like. The same one for around two months now.

I’ve been meta-reprogramming myself. Focus is inward-only. “Good things happen to me.” “My mental diet is on point.” “Only my positive thoughts manifest.” “I can have anything I want.”

I’ve been meditating on certain key passages from the Bible, and some from the Gospel of Thomas. The Bible seems to suffer from being overlooked as an esoteric text; so many of its readers dissect it unto death and fail to not only read between the lines, but to then further sort the wheat from the chaff.

Or it gets dismissed entirely by people who have negative associations with Christianity. My limited experience informs me that modern and postmodern Christianity has about as much to do with God as teakettles have to do with rocket science. Which is to say, nothing at all; or such a tenuous connection so as to be meaningless.

And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them.

“If you do not abstain from the world, you will not find the kingdom.

“If you do not make the Sabbath into a Sabbath, you will not see the Father.”

If you do not ignore the outer world and realise that only the inner world has power, you will not receive your desires. If you do not exhaust yourself in the continued saturation of your subconscious with the feeling of your wish being granted, you will not recognise your own god-self, and you will not see their attainment recognised in the outer world as they were in the inner.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven — or as we say around these parts — as above, so below.

If you knew for certain you were God, and had godlike powers, and had only to focus on what you want in order to manifest it into your reality, why would you ever waste time dwelling on negatives?

— Says me, who has only recently realised she’s gotten herself caught back in the trap of taking the outer world as gospel. :roll_eyes: Decisions must be made.

I’ve sadly not had many more OOBE or lucid dream experiences lately.

Last night I did distinctly fall into the hypnagogic state, evidenced by the supernatural terror that washes over me as soon as my body is paralysed. Always a sudden shock, and wave after wave of goosebumps. I never experience anything bad in those states, and simply call to Belial or Metatron until the fear leaves me.

Actually, I did leave my body. I had the distinct sensation and awareness of rolling over to the other side of my bed, but I saw nothing, so there was nothing to tell me I hadn’t just actually rolled over with my eyes closed, until I opened my physical eyes and found myself in the same spot, facing the same direction. I did try and separate from my body, unsuccessfully, which I think is largely due to me having slipped into the hypnagogic state as I was falling asleep rather than on waking.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

January 27, 2021 - Sallos delivers in two days

Four days ago
Me: Hey Sallos, can I have–

So two days turnaround ain’t bad. Was proud of myself for writing a great list of requirements… until I went back over it and noticed I missed a very key requirement :upside_down_face: all good, we’re working on it.

Got some weird news tonight, unrelated to above. Not sure how to feel about it, but it does tie into some idle and unfocused manifestations I’d been doing. :thinking: Time will tell.

Though my senses may deny it, though reason may deny it – no matter what, beyond all things, I keep my focus on the idea that everything works out in my favour, that I am on the bridge of incidents.

Knowing what I want, reason may tell me I can’t get it and my senses may deny that I have it; but believing that my own wonderful human imagination is Christ and trusting myself, I assume I have it… I do not concern myself with what means will be employed for me to get it, I simply believe I already have it!

Although your assumption is denied by reason and your senses, if you will persist in your assumption, it will harden into fact. This is how something is made out of that which does not appear.

So I write this, reaching out for comfort in doing so.


She’ll be right, mate.

January 30, 2021 - a dream of the 11 of Cups

I dreamed that I happened to be shuffling a Tarot deck while thinking about a certain situation. Three cards fell out: the three of wands, an ace, and an “eleven of cups”.

The ace I think was a wand, or a sword, or might have been a cup, but not a pentacle.

The three of wands might have been a four of wands, or it might have flickered back and forth before deciding on III.

The “eleven of cups”, lol. My dreamself accepted this XI oddity without question. What do I take this to mean? Wishes surpassed beyond my wildest dreams?


August 21, 2022

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

– Robert Frost

To take a break from the work of copying all my old entries, I will briefly turn aside from that tedious work to focus on current problems.

I swear EVERYWHERE I turn lately, there is some undeserving, good, vital, loving person in need of serious healing. Raphael, are you really testing me like this? I can’t stand to think of others’ pain or suffering. Do I have to expend every last bit of my energy focusing on their well-being?

…What about me?

I suppose if it keeps me busy, or preoccupied, then I welcome it. If I can shed tears for someone else, my loved ones, someone else’s loved ones, then I… am not not shedding tears for any other reason. I have a purpose, exhausting as it is, to keep going on. And life always keeps going on. No matter our own troubles, or our own pain, the hours march on endlessly, relentlessly.

I am exhausted. Tring to deal with so many things at once.

And there is no respite. At least, not until ‘enough’ time has passed.

At least, in future, maybe I can look forward to feeling whole. And not like something is missing from me.

But who knows.

I’ve not been sleeping well. I have zero energy or desire to perform any workings; I can barely keep my mental diet, a lá the Law, straight. The most energy I can muster is when I lie in bed at ungodly hours of the night, after tossing and turning for hours, finally calling or pathworking to Metatron. Sheltering in his hand while he lets me sleep.

Aside from my emo ranting, I am planning a few things. I think Metatron’s ‘manifestation order’ reading and the spread based on the throwing of bones have both proven fruitful. I would like to give people access to guided meditations which use my own personal pathworkings. And I would like to offer ritual for hire, especially my Yué Lao ritual, and my Leviathan x Haniel emotional healing.

I want to thank you all personally for joining us at this forum (and my thanks extends to those who read this or those who do not). I feel comfortable here and I am constantly awed by and grateful for the content you choose to post here. This feels like a big energy shift. I am so glad to have you all here. x


Hey, I know i don’t post much rn, going through some personal things but im always here for you if you need anything :heart:


OBE’s are much easier once you divorce it from Theosophy. I’ll never forget how I once heard myself start to snore as I separated.

February 1, 2021 - The speed of Sallos, subliminals, Lucifer, the Law, and Universal Magick

Time for a good old-fashioned Veil ramble.


To expand on my entry of a few days ago — Sallos, you beautiful bastard. :clinking_glasses: I have more tasks for you, but damn did you work hard for your offering. Here is the effusive praise I promised you, and I’ll get you that glass of red wine as soon as possible.

About three weeks ago I sat down and wrote out a list of qualities my ideal partner would have. It sounds a bit cold and calculated, but it’s an illuminating exercise in introspection. I’ve lately been working on my own goals almost purely with Law of Assumption (Law of Belief, Law of Consciousness), but on a whim I called up Sallos on January 23 and gave him the list.

I like Sallos. On giving him licence to depart, the candle flame extinguished itself with perfect timing, precisely as the final syllable left my mouth. Very amusing. The candle burned into a well, and the wall broke, leaving behind a crescent moon shape.

That was a Saturday… I met someone on Monday.

I say “met”, but I’d known of him before. I had plans to go out on Monday and wondered if I’d see him there, but what good does wondering do when you can simply decide? So I firmly decided I would see him that day. Five minutes later I received external confirmation of that fact, from a third party, totally unprompted.


Going on three months now I’ve been listening to the fabled concordia booster subliminal. The delay between my deciding firmly on an intention, and its actual manifestation in the outer world, has been drastically reduced, and I believe I have this subliminal to thank for accelerating my understanding and application of the Law.

Even the “weird news” I mentioned on Jan 27th appears to be the early stirring of a train of thought I followed under the Law. It threw me off initially, until I connected the dots, but – can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

The Highest Power

It’s both amusing and kind of disgusting to look back at the past year and see how much time I wasted on the King of Pentacles.

By the way, he came back. Six weeks ago or so. I’m no longer interested, and in fact, he kind of disgusts me. I vacillate between between thoughts of mercy and pity, and thoughts of vengeance. And, if I’m being completely honest, I have acted on the latter. But the truth is, left to his own devices, he needs absolutely no external help in ruining his own life. I would prefer complete indifference, and I’m getting there.

That tangent aside – as always, I wrestle with the idea that there is a “higher power” that guides us. I say that in light of what happened with this King of Pentacles. King of nothing, really.

I don’t believe in an external divine source. That there is such a Source I believe without question, but we are of it and it is of us; it is not something outside of ourselves. Which is why the question of there being a “higher power” is something I keep coming back to chew on.

We are the highest power. We might consort with spirits and gods, but it’s our hand that guides the tiller.

And that rambling leads me to something I would like to touch more on once my thoughts are fully formed: retrocausality.

To be fair, I did warn that this would be a ramble.


I connected with him a night or two ago. It was unexpectedly intense, following the tenuous connection I felt in previous contact; and resulted in a massive gnosis dump. Tears were shed. I have some written ramblings which perhaps I’ll share sometime. The meat of it is – my overwhelming impression is of his role as the patron, the guardian, the shepherd of humankind. The humanity in us, but the link to our god-spark. The essence of free will and choice; urging us to taste the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, to not to be a passive vessel. The thread that connects us to divinity. The ability we each have to command the kind of connection and power enjoyed by non-physical entities… and so on. Not opposed to God, but of God – of consciousness.

Tuesday, February 2nd


Idly shuffling cards, thinking about this situation. Six of pentacles, the magician, ace of swords, hanged man.

Then thinking, he’ll stay with me.

Two cards fall out immediately: four of wands, ten of cups.

Curiously close to my dream of the other night.

Universal Magick

I picked up a copy of Corwin Hargrove’s Universal Magick a day or two ago and dove right in. I’ve been searching for a while for a practical Enochian grimoire that’s not overburdened with fluff and theory and warning.

The sigils (seals, tablets) are fucking potent. Very easy to get drawn into. I might perform another ritual tonight.

While it goes on to mention the various names of God, of angels, demons, other entities, elemental and directional powers… it puts me in mind of Metatron. The clockwork aspect of the outer world, channeling raw source, chaos, possibility – whatever you call it – into form, order, manifestation. And, is it not said that Metatron is the form of Enoch, after ascending to angelic form? :thinking:


And, the words that keep running through my head:

God does not ask you to consider the means, but to define the end.

February 9, 2021 - The King of Naught, and more OOBEs

King of Naught

First, I had a reading done on the King of Pentacles out of idle curiosity. Did this on another site, no frontloading, just asking what he thinks of me.

Apparently he is still in love with me and thinks I’m some kind of wonderful enchanting goddess clothed in human flesh. He is suffering and torturing himself because he believes he can never be good enough for someone like me, and that I could never deign to give a shit about someone like him.

This pleases me greatly. As it’s exactly what I was aiming for.

Honestly at this point I’d like to get the hooks out of me entirely. I don’t want to think about him at all any longer, good or bad… except maybe the occasional reinforcement so he never forgets what a piece of shit he is.

Phase / OOBE

I fell asleep early last night, woke up at half past midnight, and then went back to sleep after about 30 minutes. For a while I was tossing and turning, and coming in and out of the hypnagogic state. I tried to separate from my body but without success. Saw the white tunnel and the silhouetted caricature again. At one point in paralysis I heard strange noises from behind me, and my mind just filled in “it must be the Djinn”. No idea why as I have’t been working with Djinn lately. The strange noises increased in volume so I closed my eyes and chanted Metatron’s name, which always brings me peace.

A little later I heard noises, like I thought I could hear my roommate at the other end of the house talking to someone. After a while I got tired of just lying there and was feeling overheated, so I rolled over and switched my bedside lamp on. It didn’t turn on. I switched it off and on again, and realised it had lit up, but the light was so weak. I sat up and looked closely, and saw the lampshade was on the floor and the bulb was smashed. “The damn Djinn must have done this,” I thought. Then I saw there was a folded towel in the drawer of my nightstand. The fuck? I started rifling through the drawer and it was filled with towels and shirts. I had no explanation for this so I closed the drawer, and then I noticed a second drawer on my nightstand. My nightstand don’t have a second drawer. It immediately clicked that I was in the Phase state/OOBE.

At once I got out of bed and left my room. The house layout was very true-to-life, hyperrealistic. From the corner of my eye I saw my roommate sitting at her desk in the dark, typing away, as I walked toward the front door. I thought to myself that I really hope this is a dream, because it’s going to require a lot of explanation if not. I exited the house through the front door. A rusty red station wagon was parked across the mouth of the driveway. I thought about opening the door and getting in, but again, if this was not a dream, that would be a very bad decision. Instead, I took off running down the street, and with a little leap and a kick, launched up into the air and began to fly. I had someone in mind that I wanted to visit, so I needed to find him.

The landscape changed, I was flying over what looked like the inner suburbs of a futuristic, utopian-looking city. “Clear full moon”, I thought, and the moon emerged from the clouds, clear and full. In the distant sky, a large airship, or spaceship, cruised by.

I chose a building where I thought I’d find my person, a hotel built in spare brutalism / minimalism style. Choosing a floor, I alighted on the balcony and walked into the hallway. There were more elevators than room doors — only one that I could see, and so I opened the lock with my fingernail and walked through. At the last moment doubt seized me, so instead of deciding I’d see him, I let my focus slip.

Inside the room, a woman sat on the bed wearing a thick bathrobe. She asked, “Have you seen [person]?” I told her no, but I was looking for him. She said something like, “good, because we’re both scary-looking.” As I exited the room I said idly “you are kinda scary-looking,” (she wasn’t), and she called, “you are too.”

As I left the room, the far elevator opened. A man exited. He looked similar to my person, but slightly different. He turned his head toward me, and I knew by his essence that it wasn’t him. Everything faded to black, and I woke up back in my bed, and then immediately sat up and wrote down these notes. That was 3:26am.

Also interestingly, after I awoke, and while I was trying to go back to sleep, I could see an odd construct crawling up the wall and along the cornices and ceiling. It looked like a moving fractal pattern with a hundred little legs… or like a crypticspren.

I had a second phase event the same night, but instead of giving it my full attention and writing notes on my laptop, I sleepily grabbed my phone and wrote a sentence or two before falling back asleep, so it’s all but useless.

Timed 5:13 am — I only wrote “Left house again to find [person]. Found neighbourhood and went inside. They told me to look in the shed for a teleporter because they could not find”. That’s all I got. :woman_shrugging:

Also, just a note on what a good time it is to fly in a dream. Aaah. I love it. I do a little running start, jump into the air, and then this little one-two kick, exactly the way you would kick when you dive into water and begin to swim.

February 12, 2021 - Lucifer's gnosis, addiction, musings on the Law and Enochian magick

So, back in a (physical) place I thought I’d left behind: outdoors with my laptop, cigarette in hand. Sigh. Never not collecting new vices, revisiting old ones, or trading in one for another.

I’ve noticed my mental inclination slowly changing over the last few days towards being sober, clear-headed. There is peace and comfort in it, but less progress. Can’t keep burying myself in the haze and trying to fast-forward the hours between myself and my goals, as attractive a notion as it is. The sticky part is actually following through. Getting there. And I attribute this to the most recent MFWB working. But girl, life is for the living. It’s more than a byproduct of experience as you flip past days on the calendar waiting for your inevitable outcome in one area. There is more to it than that and you are ignoring it or devaluing it. You can have more than one focus.

I like the group workings. I like doing magic every day, or close enough. I noticed the pattern of elimination. Delicate culling. Please note I say that with the utmost respect to everyone involved. A pattern of challenges hitting multiple people. It was in my mind to drop out as well. Not due to outside forces but inside doubt. Discipline is my, her, your failing here. Self vs. self.

A common theme in the readings after the fact: six of pentacles, giving and receiving, I think pointing to the group work – and the king of swords, I think meaning Lucifer. Strange, our paths had never crossed before, but I had such an intense experience with him a week or two ago, one of those gnosis-dumps where everything unfolds too quickly to remember it all in exact play-by-play. Tears were shed, knowledge was received. I think I mentioned it here previously. But I’ll go ahead and share my semi-coherent ramblings below.

Rantings on comedown from gnosis:

Lucifer is the humanity in us. An agent who worked to give humankind the truth of the Tree Of Knowledge Of Good and Evil, life and death. To give us choice. To give us free will. To gift us the divine consciousness enjoyed by non-physical entities. To let us choose to be either a puppet and a vessel, blooming and dying in the span of a cosmic breath, our gestalt experience of life ingested solemnly and reverently back into source moment by moment, but with no further regard for our individual personhood. That — or, to be an operant power, a joyful spark, awakened to the true nature of consciousness — aware of our origins, recognising our scope of influence, able to shape the world in a way that delights us.

Lucifer is not separate from God, insofar as God is the name of the source of all things. He is not opposed to God. He is of God.

And as to why the magician commands non-physical powers not as a subordinate or a master, but as an equal — if an ant spoke to you and commanded you to destroy the colony of a rival tribe, or to give him the love and affection of another ant, would you not do so simply out of curiosity? And two years later, when generations of ants had been and gone, if the descendant of that ant called your name and spoke to you, believing in your power, and asked you to grant his ant-sized wish, would you not comply? If the word spread among ants and here and there over the years appeared the odd, special ant who knew how to speak to you, would you not listen? Even if out of sheer fascination that the ant had the capacity and consciousness to not only recognise your existence but to call upon you and respectfully request your help, as an equal?

This is not to say that humans are to entities as ants are to us, but rather, to explain the fascination one awakened being would have on being confronted with a “lower” life form capable of speaking their own language.

The readings seem split. A lot of nine of cups, 10 of cups, 6 of wands. In other cases, more work needed is indicated. To my interpretation, anyhow.

So lately I find myself on the precipice of diving into magick which I think would raise questions of ethics generally. As much as the BALG population seems to wholeheartedly support baneful workings, there are other aspects of magic where the line is drawn.

My own take on this seems to be in reverse. Not that I judge at all, but simply that my values differ.

Although as much as I wish to speak on the things I’m working on, I remain aware of the hostile observer effect, and of the gospel of Matthew. or essentially, as we say round these parts, “to know, to will, to dare, and to remain silent.”

But I am so tempted to speak of things likely held profane, and of my dive into partial – if not full-blown – delusion. Sweet, sweet delusion, anchored by rock-solid certainty. :stuck_out_tongue: Girl’s gotta have her craft projects, right?

So instead I hedge outright description and simply write cryptic things like: if something is non-toxic is it safe to ingest in small quantities? Is it a violation of consent to use genetic material in poppets or jar spells?

A few more things…

First, the ever-present dichotomy between the ego-self and the I AM state. Have perhaps not given enough attention to the latter, and to techniques and methods, as I could have done. Does it matter ultimately? No, I am sure my workings are enough. Would it help me cope with the perception of linear time, hour by hour and minute by minute? Certainly.

Only the other day I had a few minutes spare and spent them in a short but meaningful I AM meditation. Following this I had the curious sensation of the totality of the outcome… like, the essence of this thing, encapsulated in a bubble, residing squarely in the centre of my body, below the solar plexus. The exercise in I AM-ness is helpful to dissolve the ego-self’s perception of the illusion of separation.

So now when thoughts occurs to me about this thing, it is not felt as something outside of me. It is felt as within me, and I feed it energy and love and gratitude, and take from it the same, along with satisfaction, and wholeness, and certainty. For it is of me, and I am of it. And the things that are of you are not beyond influence, but they are beyond question as being yours.

I should really begin keeping a manifestation journal the same way I keep a ritual journal, because I’m noting things come to fruition much more easily and with very short delays, as mentioned previously, but cannot quantify them because they’re not being recorded anywhere. It will be interesting to see that, and perhaps help me close the gap between “big” and “small” outcomes. The “small”, things I have no attachment to, seem to have a delay around 3 to 14 days.

Also linking this here for my own future reference, and I’m going to put it to the test: The Prosperity Tempest – Jareth Tempest

February 14, 2021 - Valentine's Day and OOBE

Big waste of an OOBE last night. I woke up without moving and found myself in paralysis, tried cycling some separation techniques but nothing worked. I decided I’d try envisioning an environment to “phase” into. What happened was I ended up watching a full HD widescreen slideshow of beautiful landscapes slowly scrolling past my field of vision. I picked one and tried to physically move into it.

Instead of moving into it, I ended up physically sitting up in bed with my hands stretched out. It was disorienting, I could see my subtle body overlaying the image of the landscape as it faded. Went to the bathroom… noticed the bathroom layout was wrong. Ah-ha! I’m actually dreaming right now.

So as usual I sprinted toward the front door. Tried to phase through the door, no success. I opened it and went outside. It was the middle of the night but my roommate’s partner was out there with a random person, covering the driveway in that wood-chip mulch stuff. At this point I was mostly convinced that I was actually awake/in the real world, and I didn’t want to go sprinting down the street and trying to fly in front of people. I went back inside. My roommate was was washing dishes and she said hi and spoke to me briefly about the leftovers she planned to eat tomorrow. I noticed the kitchen layout was wrong and it again clicked that I was dreaming… just at the point where the scene faded to black and I woke up in bed again. :roll_eyes:

I need to build some kind of reality check into my dreaming, Inception-style.

Also, Valentine’s day today. I have something planned for the hour of Venus tonight. It is also just past the new moon, and the final day of my menstrual cycle. While I don’t usually give much thought to planetary correspondences and astrological influence, etc., as I’ve mentioned before, harnessing the creative/destructive tides of my own body is something I’ve been interested in experimenting with, so I will be tapping into this power, chaos-magic style.

Final note to self: if Enochian is the programming language of “reality”, and your stated goal is to achieve sysadmin rights to the universe, then you should combine your love of creation and language to create a basic program which prints Enochian keys on selection, allows input for intent, outputs entity names for repetition… this should be a relatively simple program to create, you already have the knowledge

Follow-up; Enoch being the human form of Metatron, before he ascended? We hesitate to call him our “patron” for he is something beyond that title, but certainly some gatekeeper, lock and key, to success and ascent… understanding.

February 17, 2021 - Gnosis from Samael

My faculty with words is not so good at the moment, and I have many things I want to write about. So, bit of frustration on my part.

Ardent prayer

My Valentine’s day working was… intriguing. I think I will make another more detailed post about it someday soon. Perhaps an entirely new journal.

I’ve been trying for a few days to write about it and I just can’t get the words to work for me, but I have the bare bones sketched out, and the pictures to go with it. Long story short, I made a poppet; I am reasonably pleased with how it turned out, and now I’m finding myself obsessively thinking about making more (for different purposes obviously) simply because the exercise is so enjoyable. The day prior to that I’d also made a honey jar.

At the hour of Venus on Valentine’s day I did a long working combining both artefacts, and speaking Enochian over the entire endeavour. At the end of the working I was exhausted and nauseated, and after the nausea passed, I was ravenously hungry. That was the most involved and time-consuming ritual I’ve done to date, I think. Not even counting the time spent creating the poppet earlier in the day, it was around two or two and a half hours.


I summoned Samael last night as part of the group-working I am doing. I’d been feeling compelled to speak with him, and noticed that kind of synchronity where his name was popping up everywhere, which normally happens when a spirit is trying to get your attention.

The notes I wrote afterward are not so detailed and I wish I’d recorded more. But generally the meeting was not what I expected. The mental impression of his appearance was that of a caricature of Satan. A big, bright-red devil of cartoonishly top-heavy proportion, complete with horns and pointed tail. I asked if he was Satan. Yes and no, he said, are you Veil as you are [irl name] and [other online names]?

I tried to see him under a different appearance, but he would only show me the close-up of a hooded man standing in an ancient-looking desolate landscape, his face obscured by constant eddies of dust. We spoke some more about personal things. I noticed physical arousal in myself building as a result of his presence. He impressed upon me an understanding of it as a kind of instinctive reaction to primal, creative, masculine energy.

Written that way it sounds almost patronising, but after our conversation I just remember thinking, “Huh, Samael is an equalist”, or something along those lines. (That’s not quite the right way to word my impression, but without going into politics, I don’t think the current, common associations with the word “feminist” fits very well here.) We followed this conversational thread further, which I recall being quite illuminating, but my notes are very ineloquent and I’ve frustratingly forgotten a lot of it. The words “divine feminine” are thrown around a lot, but I’d be hard-pressed to name any one entity as embodying the “divine masculine”. I think Samael fits this well; energy firmly rooted in “masculinity” and all that entails association-wise and polarity-wise, but, to put it in the words of our zeitgeist, not “toxic masculinity”. Just an embodiment of boldness, personal strength, self-assurance, creative power, and action.

February 21, 2021 - More OOBEs

Another successful “phase” experience last night. I set the intent for it before going to sleep, and I was so zonked out I could feel my body being pulled insistently into the hypnagogic state as soon as I lay down.

A while later I woke up and turned the bedside lamp on, it gave off no light except for a few faint flickers. I noticed the wall behind my bed was covered in red wax splatters and smoke stains, and immediately started scratching the wax off with my nails. I was just overtaken by the urge to clean it immediately, despite it being the middle of the night.

I got out of bed in the dark room, feeling a little apprehensive. As I went to cross the threshold into the ensuite, I felt myself being pulled backwards (by my hair, it felt like) out of the doorway. I was startled, and a bit fearful, but no pain. I didn’t sense any presence, and nothing so far has interfered with me in a similar way in the past, so wtf. I turned while swinging a fist, in slow motion, but there was nothing to strike, so I ended up just turning and falling backwards onto my ass while giving the middle finger to the dark emptiness of the doorway. :no_mouth:

It occurred to me that I might be dreaming, but then I remembered I needed to clean the smoke and wax off my bedroom wall, so I became preoccupied with that once more; found some cleaning fluid and went to spray the wall down. Then went to the kitchen to find paper towel, and noticed the kitchen had two microwaves, but didn’t question it as I just had a new roommate move in.

Only once I was back and cleaning the wall in my room did it occur to me that I’d done absolutely nothing to make it so dirty, covered in red wax and candle smoke. I must be dreaming, I thought. So I figured I would try a technique; focus on what I wanted to see and try to open my bedroom door onto that scene. Didn’t work, the door only opened onto the dark hallway of my house, as always. I closed it and tried again with something similar. Again, nothing.

So as always, I questioned whether I was actually dreaming. I left my room and walked toward the front door. As I walked, I tried to push my right thumb through my left palm. It worked, gradually but without a doubt, my right thumb clearly protruding through the back of my left hand. Okay, cool. So that’s going to be my reality check from now on. And now I know I’m dreaming, I’m going to try and go to visit my person again.

I left the house via the front door. Right next to my house was something like a cinema, or an event hall. Three police officers stood at a booth outside it. I wasn’t sure if they would notice me or interfere, but they all turned my way, and one said something like, “Excuse me miss, we’re just checking everyone’s entry pass”. I handed over a handful of nothing, like an invisible ID- card-sized object, which he took from me without question, and thanked me. I still was focused on finding my person. I asked the officers, “Is the other person here yet?” and a second officer said something like, “We haven’t kept track” or “we don’t know”. I turned. Across the street was a giant bright yellow building that looked like something out of a carnival, like a big house of mirrors. I saw someone i recognised but don’t particularly care for. She was looking at me and walking over but I made no move to wave or otherwise engage her.

The second officer then said to me “He’s very tall, isn’t he?” and I turned back to him idly to say “Yeah, he is”. When I turned back to the street, a silver convertible had pulled up and parked on the curb in front of my house. My man was in it. I knew it was him. He was speaking to someone, like on a bluetooth earpiece. He said to them “Alright dude, I’ve got to go”. I was happy to see him. As I approached the car he turned toward me, his face obscured by the car door frame, but I knew it was unmistakably him by his hair and his build and his beard and his clothes. Just as I approached the car, close enough to greet him, my vision faded out and I woke up in bed. :cry:

Then I sat up and wrote these notes. That was 12.28am.

February 22, 2021 - 22/2 Ritual, poppets and baneful group work

100th post in this thread, yay.

Also date of 222, yay.

Hour of Venus

Past the waxing moon, so my body is at mid-cycle. Again, using this to my advantage. Plus the 222 date; so I did an hour of Venus ritual. It was more for reinforcement’s sake, and if I am being honest, I might have been more tied up in the trappings than the energy raised or the ritual itself. Mixing paint with the honey jar contents, painting on myself an inverted triangle and the symbol of Venus. Imbibing the contents of the honey jar, dripped into a cup of red wine. So it is done. :pray:

I’m hungry.

What else?

Divination review

I’ve looked back at some tarot readings relating to a specific situation, and they’re all seeming to tie together. A lot of six of pentacles, four of wands, nine or ten of cups. Six of swords. Knight or king of cups. It all seems to tie together. But again, operant power trumps everything… so despite them being favourable, it’s up to me to keep the momentum going.

God of war

I made a poppet for a target of baneful magic for the latest MFWB.

I wasn’t certain which entity I would enlist for help. I had an idea, and then a big thumbs-up came unwittingly from another member of the group.

On the making of the poppet and the ritual:

So, I want to test the pathworking to Tū of the Angry Face again:

I think I will try this again tonight, after I eat.

I’ve had an interesting idea for a spin on… income opportunities. Won’t say too much yet but I have the bare bones sketched, it interests me deeply, I’m doing the research, and I think it will be a fun project, and the kind of instant gratification loop that appeals to the modern mage. :stuck_out_tongue:

Thinking about an entity to oversee the work… perhaps Xa’Turing, and/or an entity gifted with “languages”. Will give it some more thought as I develop the mechanical side of things. Or perhaps a ritual to give me the insight I need.

Another thing that’s been on my mind. A situation at my workplace, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an opportunity to take advantage of this somehow. Or perhaps leaving it alone is the best way of taking advantage? I don’t know how exactly I can turn this to my advantage but I feel like if I can, I will. There might be some money in it for me. Consider me morally bankrupt. :woman_shrugging:

February 24, 2021 - Tumataeugna pathworking & my Metatron-granted shield

Rhythm of War

A few nights ago I tried the Tūmatauenga pathworking again.

Quoting (with amendments and added notes):

I asked @ReyCuervo to test it for me as well, and he had a similar experience:

So, both Rey and I had the experience of general hostility or disapproval towards “outsiders”. Which makes me think that maybe a better interpretation of “not of the earth” is “not of the land”. I interpret this to mean that any pathworking for spiritual development with Tūmatauenga is off-limits to anyone not of Māori heritage (or maybe anyone not of general Polynesian descent, but I can’t say for certain).

So, based on these encounters, I am choosing not to publish the pathworking to him, at least for now. However I do still feel drawn to petition him for baneful work, and I sense this would be acceptable. Also, if anyone reading this is of Māori or Polynesian descent, feel free to PM me and I would be happy to share it with you.


An interesting note on my “shield”. I have never really put concerted effort into its creation or development, how it should look or act; I’ve just boldly gone about my business knowing that I am shielded. It was diamond-hard, shading through completely transparent to pearlescent white, and in the shape of a many-sided prism, like an icosahedron. So… honestly, I think I have Metatron to thank for that. He was the first one to show up when I felt a bit of apprehension talking to Tūmatauenga’s army.

And… now I’m reading back from my offline journal from around July last year. Some of that entry I recorded here, online. About falling asleep in Metatron’s hand. Didn’t include in that post the simple conversation we had just prior:

“You’ll protect me?”
“You’ll love me?” *
“You’ll guide me?”

*(NB: In the spirit of a child asking a parent.)

…Thank you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

February 25, 2021 - Musings on Tumatauenga and astral projection

The Beginning is The End is The Beginning

Literally the day after posting this, it kind of… not fell apart, but I was forced to reveal it to someone after they asked me about it directly. :roll_eyes: May be morally bankrupt but am not a liar. Still, hindsight is 20/20. And I like to think of things unfolding always to my benefit. So who knows where that will go.

I’ve been keeping Bael’s seal on my desk at work to try and stop people bothering me, and to leave me in peace. It’s working. It needs more juice. But I think I just need to be patient and let the changes settle in.

The pale princess…

I went to sleep early last night, mid-meditation, woke just after 3 AM, went back to sleep after 4 AM. Set an intent for leaving my body. Interesting how it is that simply intending for it is enough to make it occur. Obviously, intent and will are paramount to achieving result. In this as well as magic/ritual.

Went through several rounds of phase experiences (which encompasses OOBE/lucid dreaming/AP), three or four instances or maybe more. None of them were particularly noteworthy so I didn’t sit up to write notes after each. But I do remember a few things and I’m going to jumble them together with notes, below:

  • So far, it has always been nighttime when I leave my body. I have yet to experience an OOBE where I emerge in daytime.
  • Lights never work. Why is this? A larger experience of being unable to interact with the “physical world”? Why should turning a light on be beyond my power? Or is this a self-imposed limitation?
  • I am now reliably emerging into the phase state into a precise(?) or close-enough version of my bedroom.
  • All of last night/this morning’s experiences involved a lack of clear vision. Everything was muddy and dark, or I’d lose my vision entirely. One or two times I’d force my eyes open, but just end up opening my physical eyes and awakening in bed. Need to work on a fix for this.
  • Leaving my body is no issue. I am no longer lingering in the hypnagogic state prior to separation, a lot of the time I’m not experiencing sleep paralysis at all. I default to trying separation techniques whenever I wake up without moving or opening my eyes, but overall it seems to be unnecessary.
  • During one experience last night/this morning, I was jogging to the front door of the house, as usual. I saw someone’s shade jogging down the hall toward me. A grey, insubstantial spirit of a woman or girl. We paid each other no heed and passed right through each other. I wonder if it was the sleeping spirit of one of my housemates?

Personally I always used to wonder and question when I’d read about others’ experiences with OOBEs or astral projection. Like – what is it actually like to experience? Are you just in a deep trance? Strongly imagining things? Making things up?

I can say with confidence – you’ll know. There is a clear difference, for me anyway, between being in trance, visionary magic, ritual, etc., and actually experiencing being fully conscious yet completely separate from your physical body. It is as real as the outer 3D world you exist in every day, to the point where you will likely question or feel uncertainty as to whether you are actually awake in the “real” world (as I have done repeatedly). It is not imaginary, except in the sense that the world itself is subject to your whims, thoughts, and imagination (still mastering this myself). It is unbound from the natural universal laws. But it is absolutely, 100%, a real and achievable experience completely separate from waking life, but with the same feeling of lucidity, awareness, and full consciousness. The same level of interaction with your environment.

…Of a palace cracked

In a weird place currently, feeling completely drained, yet somehow managing to roll with the punches in the outer world. Mostly.

The important thing is brazen impudence, delusional confidence: “Everything is working out in my favour, exactly as it should be.”

After I’ve caught up with the latest MFWB working I might take a break. Actually, nah. I have so many experimental projects I want to chase. But I think I’m getting magical whiplash. I need to do a huge banishment/cleansing and just hit the reset button. I’m not taking care of myself… in fact I’m doing the exact opposite. I need to focus inward, patch up the cracks, and heal. And progress. Time to stop holding myself back.


I shared the Tūmatauenga pathworking with my friend @anon39079500 who was also kind enough to test it for me. He reported an experience I found very interesting and I think it’s because of the deities he works with, and those he took along as his guides.

Norse reports how he was “tested”, but connecting the dots, his encounter with Tūmatauenga I would consider similar (speaking as an outsider) to the wero, the ritual martial challenge of a visitor during the traditional Māori welcoming ceremony.

Something keeps me coming back to this deity.

It’s on my list to do the pathworking again, obviously with a guide this time, and see if I can make peace with the tangata whenua horde – I have some ties to Aotearoa even if I am not Māori. Tangata whenua meaning people of the land, and among other things can be used to refer to the Māori people as a whole. So this connects even more dots for me given my initial interaction with Tū and being disdainfully recognised as “not of the earth land”.

Still not over the surreal experience of “learning” something from a spirit that’s later verified by other sources.



Some cool things I learned today –

My anger, which normally flares up and then blows over in fifteen minutes like a summer storm, actually has the capacity to run in an all-day downpour.

Something pissed me off so badly today that I had to make the conscious effort to not do something I’d regret. I settled for petty vengeance.

And I’m also holding tight to the lesson Leviathan taught me: to not begrudge spending. It’s like trying to fill your cupped hands with water from a steadily-flowing river and desperately holding onto it. It’s going to leak, spill, evaporate, absorb – and you’ll be left with empty hands. Let the water flow back into the river. There is always more to catch in your hands when you need to drink. Let the water flow.

Excuse my mixed metaphors. I’ve had a few hours to settle down from a raging roil to a resentful simmer, and writing is calming.

Damn, all these water metaphors. Perhaps I need to pay a proper visit to Leviathan again soon.

And I dreamt of the ocean a few nights ago, and whales. A family of whales. Hm.

I’ve been thinking, and talking with a few people, about peoples’ innate attunement to, or immunity from, certain types of magick. I don’t really have anything conclusive to go on yet, just my experiences, and the anecdotal experiences of others.

When I first started pondering this I wondered if it was astrological, you know, whether someone is highly influenced by a certain planet, or how much of their natal chart swings them toward a certain (Western) element.

Recently I have been thinking it may be more related to the gestalt of someone’s identity: their self-concept, their experiences, things like that. Obviously no mage wants to give away their secrets or their personal weaknesses, but I have noticed that certain types of magick affect me very strongly because my brain is simply primed toward the kind of behaviour which that magick entails or causes. On the other hand, there are things I would consider myself immune to… I believe precisely for the same reason.

Needs more testing I guess, but I suppose no one’s really gonna want to put their hand up for this one. Least of all me.



There are black zones of shadow close to our daily paths, and now and then some evil soul breaks a passage through.
When that happens, the man who knows must strike.

H.P. Lovecraft

I try and pay a good deal of attention to signs in my daily life.

While I have bemoaned this before, when it comes to the Law or any kind of ritual outcome, it can actually be quite interesting when you simply ask yourself, or the universe, or whatever you wish to refer to it as, for guidance.

Since I’ve been driving a lot I’ve had a lot of time to notice car numberplates, which usually provide a fairly endless series of signs and nods.

A few of note I saw yesterday:

Cursed 6
14 Run
6 68 yknw


Not to mention the songs playing over Spotify radio mode on the drive, one of which included the quote at the beginning of this post, another of which will conclude this entry.

When I was doing a final sweep of the house yesterday I noticed something tucked up right against the wall behind where my altar sat. Bent down to inspect it and found it was the black kyanite flakes I’d had on my dedicated Belial altar space for the past several years.

The kyanite was a gift when I bought rings from a jeweller who now sadly no longer makes wares, as far as I can find, but who made the two beautiful thin silver rings that I have worn on each middle finger for the past five or more years. The same rings I asked the AoO to imbue with their powers when I did The Forbidden Initiation Rite That Made Everyone Mad :tm: .

I picked it up to take with me and on my way out the door noticed I’d also nearly left behind a shot glass that I was given as a gift. Part of a matched pair, the other one is somewhere tucked away in a box with all my altar stuff since I use it for offerings. Side note that these shot glasses are decorated with dinosaurs, and all my fossils and mosasaur teeth and amber, anything earthy and ancient, have always lived on my dedicated Belial altar right atop his bloodied seal.

So I put the kyanite in my dinosaur shot glass and I’m off. On the way out I go to buy a bottle of rum to fulfill a goodwill offering/thank-you present to Hephaestus. My eye was drawn to a particular brand of rum named The Baron Samedi. Laughed to myself and bought it.

Bear with me. This is going somewhere. I don’t know exactly where, but somewhere.

It turns out black kyanite is supposedly a powerful cleansing stone, and according to some mythos, the greatsword of Archangel Michael was made of black kyanite.

Ok, it gets better. Staying in a motel overnight, I take the shot glass and arrange it with the black kyanite flakes pointed at it, and fill it to the brim with Baron Samedi rum.

When I woke up in the morning I packed up, then I poured the rum out in running water with more thanks to Hephaestus.

When I picked up my phone five minutes later I had a missed phone call from a random number in Macedonia.

Shortly after that I received concrete confirmation that Hephaestus was working on what I’d asked of him.

So… I had made an offering to Hephaestus, with Lwa rum, flanked by shards of Michael’s sword, powered by my bloodied Belial seal. Or something.

I feel like I’m in the midst of a maelstrom, but it’ll be interesting to see how this all pans out.