November 14th, 2022
I am back after falling not-so-gracefully off my (metaphorical) horse. Couldn’t say what exactly is wrong with me, I randomly split myself from my activities with the hardest non-motivation I’ve felt yet. It’s always in the back of my mind to do meditation, write a sigil, talk to Leviathan/someone, but I never do. My soul was there and my body was not.
Now, I could line up a lot of reasons as to why that is, but many of them would end up pretty self-derogatory and that isn’t very constructive (e.g. I’m lazy, I’m undisciplined, et cetera). While some of that is true, I find that it would be worth the time to think maybe why I fell out: the lack of time, depression, am I stagnant in path? The answer really is… I don’t know. Genuinely a culmination of various external and internal blockages that cannot be dealt with in their entirety, but I can persevere through the monotony of the mundane to place myself back into a spiritual space.
I haven’t been without complete practice. If I had to pinpoint around the time I started to slack, I remember something had happened to me. Strange and out of place, I was brushing my teeth one morning and there was this loud, distinct voice in the back of my head saying “there are so many fragments of you, but which one is really you?”
I’m not going to say it’s x spirit, but I’m not really sure if it was “me” either. It was random and sort of troubling. I went forward into a deep, reflective path until, well, now. Speedrunning every major philosophy viewpoint in the known dictionary. That’s boring self-work and hardly has place here. In conclusion, I should spend time with the shadow aspects of myself and figure out its problem.
I had a friend over, nothing new. They are not familiar with witchcraft/spirituality/the likes, don’t hate on it either. A neutral, open-minded viewpoint. For fun, I had them pull one card from my Vampire tarot deck and one from my Dukante, and at this point, I could tell life was going to be Hell for me.
Fresh out of the deck, the Tower then Leviathan from the other. Ironic as I usually associate Leviathan with the Tower card, but when that card appears, I know (as much as I try to deny it) my life is going to inevitably shift. Painfully it did, as these have been the worst last two work weeks of my life. The whole shebang of questioning my will to life, my need to work, what would I do if I didn’t do this. The everything, plainly. Driven to the point of near insanity over the corporate bullshit that I considered quitting.
I’m not an impulsive person, so I’m sticking it out. Kind of. I still feel like I’m spiraling down into some dark place because my world is out of control, but I’m better than that and I’m certain if I just reach out and grab the reigns, I’ll be okay.
There’s also that thing where my friend group shifted dramatically and the mess that comes with unexpected change. My routine changed, I have extreme loss of appetite, all of that.
I, admittedly, don’t know anything about angel numbers. Not privy to them, don’t know what’s good information or bad, if they’re a strong sign of synchronicity, etc. I will say, though, for several days I have been seeing the numbers 11:11 everywhere. On clocks, on dates, on tweets, receipts, what have you.
Yeah, I don’t know what it means. Lazy me Google’d it and I get some pretty conflicting, not-relating answers. Most in line that “spirits are here to guide or support you”, some about time of manifesting, some saying something about spiritual awakening (haven’t I already had one, do I need another one?).
It’s not far-fetched for guides to be reaching out to me, attempting to support me. Not really sure why through angel numbers or if I am missing a big picture here. Either way, I would be remiss not to mention this because I’m telling you, I keep seeing 11:11 on everything for some reason.
Part of the reason I haven’t done much invocation/evocation is because I haven’t felt a calling? to do so. Not even a recreational call to visit any sort of divinity. Reasons unknown and not important to any spiritual activity, I’m sure.
Lilith, though, has been reaching out to me pretty intensely. To the point I’m hearing a clear “talk to me” prompt in my head at random. I have worked with her in the past, we’re not strangers, but she’s never been first. It’s always been me reaching out to balance an energy in me or for a specific ritual, but this time it feels a call to me.
Which led to tonight’s invocation:
Traditionally, I have worked with Lilith’s Goetic aspect and symbol, but tonight I wanted to use her Dukante symbol. Some “smart” part of me thought that engaging with an unfamiliar mask will not only force me to exercise out of comfort, but allow space for new energy to flow through.
Used her candle that I have (red heart candle), drew the Dukante symbol on a index card, no incense. Sat on the floor and started chanting her enn, which surprisingly dropped me in trance like that. I fumble new enns a lot, especially ones with more syllables to remember, but after maybe 4 repetitions, it was like muscle memory.
Drew an astral circle around me with the condition that only Lilith may engage me. Drew an astral triangle with one corner facing me to direct her attentions towards me. Held my hands out for her to hold them, if she’d like. In between us would be the candle and the index card.
Her energy honed on a single point to create apparition. Instead of an older woman with a crushed velvet long black gown, eyes with a hardened stare, I was met with a younger woman. Maybe my age or closer to 30 with long black hair, plain black crop top, black jeans. Her frame was lithe, scarily skinny, with thin bony hands holding mine. Notably, my pinkies blackened whenever her hands held over my own.
My gaze dropped to the sigil. Usually, people imagine fire taking over the sigil, as do I, but this time it did not burn; it bled. Dark crimson pulsating out of the sigil like an open wound and the floor beneath me was a large spill of blood.
Now, I’m in my trance. Mentally, I am in a room (think Wayne Manor from the movies/Gotham TV show), with Lilith smiling from a chair. It’s… odd seeing such a young image of a spirit as I’m used to them being barely human and/or older looking. Here’s the part I embarrass myself as I poured out all my problems with my head in her lap, an emotional mess, all that. Right now, she’s like a best friend that I’ve always wanted, the kind I see from other people but never in my own life. It’s comforting, feeling heard.
After clean-up in aisle 11, I was tasked with pulling myself back onto my tracks. Vampirism, that was a topic she wanted me to explore. I asked her to have one good week this week, to not be bothered or troubled by anything (I’m tired of losing sleep over it). I was told to mind myself and she’ll “handle the rest”.
I don’t remember a voice or any notable quotes. I do remember her laughter and giggling. I was warm the entire time, both in my mind and physically, like a warm blanket was around me. Could hear my heartbeat in my head, but that could be the eyestrain.
After my invocation, I pulled the following: The Tower and Knight of Cups both Reversed.
Well, I sure hope my Tower days are over because I’m beyond exhausted. The Knight of Cups is relevant to my workplace struggles. I have been overly emotional, overbearing, non-productive. Think the last card is just a read of me, not of any situation.
For the next week, I think I’ll sleep with Lilith’s sigil under my pillow to see if I can dreamwalk to/with her. I’ve been having nightmares/troubled sleep and have been sleeping with Leviathan’s sigil marked on my arm, so I can get deep sleep. I’ll have intentions to meet with Lilith and see if perhaps there something more that she is willing to do with me. Maybe deepen our connection? I do feel a little bad that I haven’t put much focus on her like I have Leviathan, Lucifuge, or King Paimon.
I think this is all for now. Have a nice night. (: