Seeking Equilibrium 🎭

This will be a continuation of my journal from another forum. My goals and working partners have changed from the initial journal. I’m certainly not “stumbling” anymore as I am wandering at this point.

The intention of the journal is the same. A recollection of my spiritual workings and experiences in my overly verbose ways.

Please enjoy.

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September 9th, 2022

Burnout and general lack of motivation have kept me from staying faithful to my routine. It’s a shame that I cannot move beyond the trappings of my mind, but I suppose the candle can only withstand being burnt from both ends for so long.

As a refresher, I went through a two-part meditation: cleansing and grounding.

Cleansing

I stand in the cold ocean, cold enough to chill me to the bone. It’s painful like needles into the marrow. My body adapts and it will soon become a comfort as I step deeper into the water until I step off the edge into the depths. I sink with all the muck of mundane stress and emotions slide off my skin, my hair, and the mucous membrane of my eyes. It’s refreshing, but not nearly enough. The more my flesh warms with the water, the darker the space becomes until eventually I am thrown into a singular point of space. The black space is now illuminated with stars, planets, galaxies and I am at the center of it all.

Now standing totally alone at this fixed point of time, I am losing my form. My physical was torn away to bare my soul. My soul torn away until I am nothing but a white outline. I feel myself assimilating into the great nothingness of the universe. I hear a chorus of voices then the standstill of silence that follows. With everything and nothing I am until even my outline wavers and dissolves.

My soul is at peace for once; unbothered by the turmoil and non-important stressors of life. I understand that everything is like water and air, moving continuously. At points plentiful, and other times, barren. I rise back up into the ocean where my body is pieced together with the sickening crack of bone and the molding of flesh like clay until I am once again standing on the sand. The water sinking away from me and now I am cold to the bitter ocean air.


Grounding

I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor, palms firm into the ground. Roots grow from my lower midsection, down my legs, from my spine, and my hands. I’m planted into the floor. I visualize a blackness draining from me into the ground until I am emptied, to which I pull a white light from the Earth into me, solidifying the calmness within me.

My mind wanders and I’m seated in front of a large maple-tree. The roots fit around my body much like a chair, as if I am an extension of it. Both of us pulling from the enriched soil. I stay in this visual as I gaze into the twilight until the sun completely sets.


Invocation of King Paimon

This was long overdue. The effort was made to reestablish a formerly weak connection from my last pitiful attempt. Now that I have a modicum of focus, I could finally pathwork myself to him.

I sung his enn. I usually chant, but singing enns vibrate much more nicely through my chest. It’s enjoyable, try it. I am back at his office, which is seated in a lavish, black obsidian building.

This office and visuals are written in my first Book of Shadows, but I have met King Paimon before. In fact, he was the first being I ever tried to evoke/call upon/invoke/etc. Failed miserably, of course, and I was sorely inexperienced to understand why, other than maybe he was not the right one/it was not the right time.

The encounter was wordless. I stared at him and he to me, but communication was being had. An understanding was made. He does mention that now I am experienced enough to pursue serious working with him and was pleased that I didn’t take offense for my first failures.

My requests were made to seek serious work with him and to develop a longer term working relationship with him. So, that will be fitting into my usual rituals.

Close ritual with a tarot pull: Justice, Queen of Swords, King of Swords. All Reversed.

Have a nice evening. (:

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September 9th, 2022

This week has been nothing short of Hellish for myself.

It seems I incurred someone’s wrath upon me. :roll_eyes: My patience has been thin, my moods erratic, and everything outside of my control plainly going wrong. I’m not one to jump to “evil-eye” or “hex” suspicions, but a few too many things were lining up in such ways that I couldn’t ignore.

I’ve had an ant problem recently (I like to keep the windows open), and so I deep cleaned my room down to washing the walls/hidden corners. Cleanliness is a priority for me, personally, so when spiders started to appear blatantly in front of me, I thought it was odd. Only really in the bathroom did I see the occasional dust spider near the drain, but this was in my room, near me specifically.

The first was a spider lingering near my Demonolatry books. I thought nothing of it other than it was a type of spider I’ve never seen before and it did not move for about 9 hours. I shrugged it off, did another clean of the room afterwards since it was the weekend. That was until I a few days after that, I was sitting on my floor on the far side of the room, attempting to journal these awful, near-insane thoughts of mine down to gain a sense of clarity. Another spider crawled over the floor and onto my journal. It surprised me as it was definitely not the same spider and I’m not sure where it had come from. I took mental note, but it wasn’t until the day following did something seem wrong. I was working from home, at my desk, which is a completely different part of the house. A spider dropped itself onto my laptop and it didn’t seem to want to leave as it stuck around on my keys, trying to weave another web.

Don’t get me wrong, insect behavior isn’t much to trigger my “is this a sign?” speculation alone. Especially since I don’t work with anyone who is associated with the spider specifically. The days leading up to these events is what had me squinting at the coincidence.

Days prior, around the time the first spider appeared, I had this mental visual of a giant black blob behind my door with several eyes watching me. This alone struck fear into me for no reason. It was unprompted and I had no idea where the visual came from. I felt uncomfortable walking through the house, daylight or nighttime. Paired with the constant fatigue, procrastination, lack of motivation, and how uncharacteristically manic I’ve been, I thought maybe it was a product of anxiety… Not quite.

In tandem to this, I’ve been having nonstop nightmares each night. A vivid dream gone wrong and as the week went on, each nightmare would end with a sort of “jumpscare” and a physical sensation like something grabbed me. It would wake me up in the middle of the night, terrified at nothing. Also, odd, being as I don’t experience night terrors like that.

Following this, I was performing some tarot pulls for my friends, one in specific who was have similar symptoms as me, minus the insect coincidences. It’s not often I have divinities in my reads, and if I do it’s usually like Lilith or Leviathan, but Lucifuge pulled through and every reading he did read “WARNING!!” candy red, alarms blaring. With a constant “rancid” “disgusting” repeating in my head whenever he “spoke”. The withdrawn demon he was, I was concerned to see him at all, unprompted like that.

To top off an unnecessarily long story, a friend of mine and I were experienced similar symptoms. Fear, mania, general discomfort in our homes, our parents being unnecessarily erratic, and discouragement with our jobs. We both also got physically ill with an unknown illness. Being the Lunar witch that she is, she chopped it up to us being under Capricorn with a Pieces Harvest Moon on the horizon. To which, I found myself disagreeing, Capricorn being my moon placement, I would not be experiencing such things as I was. An Earth sign, no? This certainly wasn’t stability. Wasn’t feeling it at all when I found out my car, in which I haven’t driven in 5 days, suddenly had a flat tire. Nor that fact all protective amulets in the house suspiciously broke.

To be safe, I did a mental check-in with myself then I went into a layered banishing, cleansing, grounding, then a thick-and-heavy reversal paired with an invocation of Sabnock. There was a gut feeling that something was around me that shouldn’t have been there. Two egg cleanses confirmed that for me.

Lo and behold, the next day I am fine. Even the sickness I had went away, hers as well. The unfortunate truth, and suspect, of it was a former best friend, her ex, of mine. This was later confirmed with her experiencing repeated visions of him and him personally reaching out to “talk” with me around the time this occurred.

TL;DR An obsessive former friend threw enough negativity my way to ruin my week.

At first, I was pissed off. I sat on it, the ways I could make him miserable. Now this is probably the residual negative feelings talking, so I let them simmer and stew. Switching between “maybe it wasn’t him” to “maybe it was unintentional/him holding his hatred for the two of us” to “I was the one that taught him about LHP/Demonolatry so I wouldn’t be surprised if he put it to test on me” (never making that mistake again). Honestly? I could layer a bunch of success spells and what not on me, move on and forget him, but when it extended to affecting my loved ones, I feel like that is simply something I can’t overlook. Oh well. I’ll have to think about it some more, should I decide to do anything at all. The man is a hypochondriac, so sending Sabnock his way should be good enough, lol.


After all of that, I do still feel a bit malcontented and lost with myself. More so directed towards my job, which has been an ongoing feeling beyond the previous event. It’s hard for me to decipher where the source is coming from as I journaled until my hand turned blue to reconcile with my shadow these issues, only to find that it can honestly be triggered by anything.

As Lilith once said to me “you find anger to be comfortable.” Unfortunately true, it is comfortable. It’s not a “shameful” emotion like sadness or apathy. One burst and it’s over, then I can move on without lingering. I am trying to be better than that, but I am also being mindful of allowing myself to experience emotions instead of rationalizing them at the door.

At a loss with myself, I found myself evoking Satan himself. I know, controversial topic, but it was more like calling to the “source”. A conglomerate wisdom and power that comes with both the singular being and the title. I wanted to be honest about my ambivalence and my want to navigate these emotions into finding a solution. He was warm, welcoming, in ways I’ve never experienced before. He listened then suggested a small daily meditation for 2 weeks with a slight suggestion that the fog of this event will need to pass, so I can balance myself.

It was not the answer I was looking for, but was I really looking for any one answer? Not necessarily. I do need to place myself back into a routine and perhaps the routine will realign my mess of head back on track.

I did a pull as well that affirmed the situation as well: The Star (Rx) and 2 of Wands.

Sorry for the wall of text, LOL. My week has been consumed with that, so I’m quite frustrated and wanted to vent.

Have a nice night. (:

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September 16th, 2022

Not sure if it’s been the lack of sleep lately, but I found myself collapsing into myself. Feeling unfulfilled at my job, within personal relationships, and the overall stress building up with me, I’m constantly asking myself “why bother?” “why are we doing this?” “oh well because we have to because if not that, then what else? You’ll be living with nothing.” I’m running myself in circles over and over until I reach a point of complete ambivalence with it all. It’s not exactly healthy, but I’ve personally never felt more trapped by circumstances than I do now.

Now, I know that I have the tools to shift my perception, my universe. See, this is where I’m at my own deadlocks. I thought that perhaps it was an error within my perception of things. I worked hard to change my mindset and while that did remedy it for a little while, it doesn’t stick. It’s like another annoying bone is thrown at my feet and I trip over it again, and again. I only have so many Band-Aids for my knees and palms, lol. For example, I finally settling into the chaos of my job only for another annoying change to be pushed onto me by people paid much more than I am. Or, I finally find myself somewhat satisfied in my personal relationships only for some sort of drama to happen, causing things to happen.

Everything is happening, all the time, all the time. Is there ever a moment of respite to be spared for me? Yes, I do get time to catch up on rest, but it’s never enough. The problem is completely internal to my mind and nothing to do with the physical.

I find it difficult to write any sort of petition or curate any form of ritual because I can’t settle on an intention. I don’t exactly know what I want. No, I don’t like how my life is now, but what do I want? What exactly am I wanting to happen and how can
I make this happen without it biting me in the ass? In a world where I can wish for anything, what do I request that is well within my capabilities?

So, I’m back at the beginning of the ride, waiting to crash down the haphazardly built fair rollercoaster again.

Bitching aside, I went outside on a night drive, calmed my mind from the absolute panic I experienced earlier. I think I finally reached my breaking point today because I was scrolling through Google Play Books and found one (Dark Matter) where the description started itself with a “Are you happy with your life?” Not sure, something just broke in me and I’ve spent the rest of my day trying to piece myself back together. Stupid, I know. I’m very tired.

While on my drive, I was very drawn to music the entire time. I stopped at a gas station for something to drink and the cashier started playing She Wants Revenge. A band I never hear outside of goth bars, lol. An immediate feeling of calmness was instilled in me. Then, when I came back home, I’ve been compulsively listening to all sorts of random comfort songs and watching their LIVE performances. Following this odd pattern of behavior, I was finding myself writing some more into my personal fiction with some sort of random, powerful vigor running through me.

I sat on it for a while until I realized I was in the presence of King Paimon. It clicks, I haven’t done any form of practice for a few days due to everything else, that I bully myself out of my chair to run a meditation with him. I’m pushed into deep meditation almost instantaneously along with me singing his enn. His candle was still for a bit but then it started waving like crazy; sparking tall or even leaning nearly sideways and waving like an ocean wave. I’ll admit, I’ve never seen a candle so active since Leviathan’s long ago, that for a moment I was worried I was missing something.

Meh, I probably am, but it’s around 3AM, so I’m not really going to push on the theories.

Since King Paimon was near, I asked him two questions:

  1. What is holding me back? 7 of Swords and Ace of Cups both Rx
  2. What should I be doing? Knight of Swords (Rx) and 6 of Cups

I kindly requested as well that any stubborn blockages be removed, so I’m hoping something to come of it.

Other than that, I’ve been sleeping with Sabnock’s sigil under my pillow so I can have nightmare-less sleep. In turn, I’ve been experiencing extremely vivid dreams. Not lucid, but I’m returning to specific places (downtown/social spaces) that I’ve been visiting in my dreams for year and remembering them nearly crystal clear. I’d say there is some sort of divine message for me, but all the plots of these dreams are entirely random and seemingly have no correlation to any kind of divine message. More like me running around in dreamspace since I have the freedom to do so.

I’ve ranted myself blue. I think I’m in a comfortable enough position to figure out what to do with myself, it’ll just take some time for me to craft it together.

Have a nice night everyone. (:

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I’ve had this one, and man. It’s worse than just about anything else I’ve experienced quite simply because I knew all I had to do was figure it out… I already had magic on my side and knew how to use it… but dammed If I can have any life I want? I had no idea man.

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September 21th, 2022

I actually performed this last night/this morning? shortly after the midnight hour.

Void Meditation

I actually went into this wanting to perform a balance between the elementals in their respective directions. Lucifer to the North, Belial to the East, Flereous (I was thinking of substituting him out for Lucifuge or finding another fire elemental that I am more familiar with) to the South, and Leviathan to the West. Though, I did find myself in an immersive enough headspace to comfortably perform such a rite, so instead I named the elements through my body and focused into the nothingness of the universe.

Pathworking/Invocation of King Paimon

I was leaning towards readying myself for some sort of road opening ritual, of my own design, later this week. Maybe in search of general comfort, I sat and sang the enn of King Paimon. Instead of any one pathworking, I allowed my mind to wander to see where he would take me.

The Working

I was experimental with the working. I “drew” a triangle before me, one point facing me to target the energy to me. I wanted to summon his energy into that and use it as a focal point. The idea was maybe to perform evocation, but I did not have the spare energy to do so, so I welcomed any vision to come to me instead.

First thing, I felt a strong poke/push into my upper right pectoral. Around the soft just under the shoulder. I mistaken it for a spasm, but it was persistent and it continued to edge in. It eventually left when I mentally shooed the sensation away because it was pulling me from my concentration.

I found myself along a grey sand beach side. It was nighttime and I was in an open carriage, sitting next to King Paimon. He plucked an apple from an overhanging tree and insisted me to take a bite. I did before he took it for himself and ate as well.

We sat in silence before he said “Trust in me [for I] will take care of you”. A small intermission of silence before I felt compelled to ask:

“I’m looking for opportunity”
KGPMN: “An opportunity for what?

I couldn’t really answer him. I felt like I knew the answer in my heart and I was urging the feeling to relay to him for I couldn’t find the exact words.

Around this time, I felt something grab my wrist, firm, nearly pulling me from the vision.

We sit together on this horse carriage walking this uneven trail to some castle on the hill. Kind of like the Castlevania one. I find myself satisfied and I leave the scene.

I asked for a message through tarot and received:

  • Empress
  • 8 of Cups
  • Page of Pentacles

The reading both makes sense and doesn’t. I suppose the Empress is pretty prominent because since I have taken to King Paimon, I found myself drawing art again, writing fiction, and even finding beauty in the scenery. It’s like life restored some of its color. The 8 of Cups, is most definitely me clinging onto shit I don’t need to be, but am, because I can’t help myself. Page of Pentacles is interesting. I’m hoping that it is King Paimon reciprocating my request.

Obsession with Spiders
Recently, I have been obsessed with spiders? I’m not sure where this is coming from, but I’m noting it here in case this is a correspondence. The idea of spiders, being around spiders. Very odd.

Have a nice day. (:

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September 28th, 2022

Void Meditation
I’m not sure why I call it “void meditation”. I’ve recently got my hands on two different books (one about Satanist philosophy and another about generalize magick study) which referred meditating into the nothingness as going into the “void”. Much like Zen Buddhism, it is the training of attempting to think of “nothing” with the exception that you’re attempting to merge yourself into the blackness… I think.

I’m too tired to remember, lol. Essentially the goal here for me is to submerge myself into the vastness of the universe and become interconnected with everything yet nothing all at once. Become beyond the body and set myself in a state that is beyond my own to make invocation/pathworking easier.

It stops being the general “void” meditation as I imagine myself in the thicket of space. Me surrounded by a sea of stars and the color splash of galaxies. I feel myself lose form and merge into a collective of everything else: humans, spirits, ghosts, divinities, what have you. Once I feel like I divorce the concept of mundane and material, I am ready for my work.

I will add that during this work, I felt something push on me. Like someone was present and heavy on my third eye, head, and shoulders. I’m not sure who or what, it’s not a signature I am familiar with. I hope I didn’t accidentally attract something through this method.

Time with King Paimon
Since my last visit, I was wondering the importance of the apple we both bit into. I’m trying my best here not to correlate it with the divine “sin” of Adam and Eve, as that wouldn’t make much sense. Why sit and ponder when I could simply ask?

I fall into King Paimon’s space after chanting his enn and pulling myself to this old-style European landscape. He is there, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as if it were cold. I ask if the apple had significance or was it just some sort of buffer between transitions:

The Invocation

KGPMN: It is a piece of me I am sharing with you.
Me: A piece of you?
KGPMN: You and I, we are similar. I’m pouring my better qualities into you.

By “better” I assume he meant “favored” qualities. Even then it didn’t make much sense as I feel like I didn’t adapt any of energy. Not like it matters because he changed the topic.

KGPMN: You’ve realized it by now, haven’t you?
Me: What… (I had a feeling of what he meant, so I continued) The sudden urge to draw?
KGPMN: Mhm.
Me: Was that you?
KGPMN: Sort of. You know that in your truest nature, you are meant to create. You’re a creative soul. Writing, drawing, making music, it is what your soul craves, it is why you were burnt out for so long. You’re denying yourself the pleasure of what you yearn for.

It clicks in that moment for me because he’s right. My world and everything stopped seeming so miserable when I picked up my tablet pen again and whenever I opened up my docs to write. It was a rough start, but there was this push within me to make something, even if it was purely recreational.

The rest was kind of jumbled and not exactly coherent because we moved beyond the physical forms and not we’re swirling around each other in pure darkness with a single candle light illuminating random angles of our faces.

  • He keeps mentioning that we are similar in ways that are not readily obvious and ways I am thinking to objectively about. IDK what that could possibility mean.
  • I asked if he wanted something from me and he said a painting with bright golds. With the stipulation that it was something I truly poured my heart into, otherwise he had no interest in it.
  • I asked if I will see him in my dreams tonight and he said to “search for a golden bird and I will find him.”
  • Art/creativity helps unlock the one part of my brain that so desperately needed the rest. I have a mastery that I’m not utilizing, I need to use it.
  • Once I get into the swing of things and realize that bonding more into what my soul wants, King Paimon looks forward to start more detail sigil work. Putting my handiwork to, well, work.

End invocation.

Spiders, more spiders
Did I tell you guys that spiders are just everywhere for me? Yes? Well, I’m stating it again because I am seeing them more often than I feel like I should be. Not only physical spiders falling on me in the house. I am seeing it in pictures, on social media, on clothes when I’m at the mall, people mentioning spider problems they are having.

All attempts to look up some sort of “higher” meaning for it yielded too vague of a result that I don’t know what it could be. Am I missing something incredibly important? Is it an entity wanting to speak to me? Is it a message to keep going? I don’t rightly know.

Vivid dreams
I kept Sabnock’s sigil under my pillow because I get better sleep when I do. In turn, I am having vivid dreams. In turn, I am remembering them far into my own day too. It’s always feels like I am visiting some place far in the astral realm, like a weird copy dimension that also has a downtown, stores, etc. It’s not ever structured like any place I’ve been too before, but it’s weird that I continue to visit these places.

This pair with some other vivid dreams that often lead me to be tired in the morning because I feel like I lived a whole other life in my sleep.

Potential project
I have been reviewing the Dukante symbols in several of my books. I’ve come to find there are some alternative sigils for some popular people. Namely Hekate and Lucifer. I was curious to see if I could do some sort of custom working through all those sigils and develop my own gnosis with all those demons/deific masks.

I think that’s all for me. Have a nice night. (:

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What King Paimon said to you has been on my mind all day. I’ve actually been working on art of Him for the past few weeks myself. Yesterday I felt I had to “shelf it” since I feel I lack the skill and style to really bring out what’s in my head. His words though…maybe I just didnt try hard enough and put my soul into it? It would be devastating to me to disappoint Him with unfinished work…. Augh. Being an artist is so frustrating at times, regardless, it brings me joy unlike anything else once I can get in that “zone”.

Keep it up I look forward to more of your workings with Him.

Also just a question I love asking fellow digital artists. What tablet do you use? Haha

Mines a Huion 16 pro!

I know I’m replying to this nearly 2 weeks later but I feel this. I keep thinking of that phrase “everywhere you go, there you are”. My circumstances have changed pretty dramatically lately and it still feels like I should be happy but really I’m just… existing. I’m the same person I was, just in different (and objectively far better) circumstances.

I’ll go back for a re-read though and hope you’ve found peace and balance and happiness, or something approaching it. x

Am not King Paimon himself, but I can say, there is no lack of skill, only lack of progress. I’ve been drawing nearly 15? years now, self-taught, and I found that as long as my heart is in it, I can do about anything. Cheesy, generic, I know, but the only way to cut down a tree is to actually take the axe to it, yeah?

To that end, sometimes a drawing needs a rest so that you can look upon it with fresh eyes later, see the parts that don’t appeal to you, then edit them accordingly. (Or as a quick hack, screenshot it and view it on another device, you’ll find those errors rather quickly).

I recently traded out my Huion Kamvas 13 for a Artist 24 Pro XP-Pen. I considered the Cintiq, but I don’t see the need to splurge thousands when the XP-PEN satisfied my needs as a hobbyist. I do use the iPad Pro as well, for when I’m travelling.

I hope that whatever you make, makes you happy in the end. (:

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What’s that saying? “Wish fulfillment is a state, not an emotion”?

I understand. It feels like achieving big parts of your dreams doesn’t come with the big punch and bang of success, rather than you’re at the top of the mountain staring out into the silent wilderness, sore and tired from the climb.

I hope that you’ll feel the joy that comes with the fruits of your labor. Or, at least, the pay off. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thanks love, and same right back at you :relaxed:

Yeah, that’s… pretty much it. Feels like it should feel different. Not to say I haven’t been elated with successes in the past, but despite the objective raise in many circumstances, I still feel… flat. Likely that’s on me though, not outside circumstance,

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November 14th, 2022

I am back after falling not-so-gracefully off my (metaphorical) horse. Couldn’t say what exactly is wrong with me, I randomly split myself from my activities with the hardest non-motivation I’ve felt yet. It’s always in the back of my mind to do meditation, write a sigil, talk to Leviathan/someone, but I never do. My soul was there and my body was not.

Now, I could line up a lot of reasons as to why that is, but many of them would end up pretty self-derogatory and that isn’t very constructive (e.g. I’m lazy, I’m undisciplined, et cetera). While some of that is true, I find that it would be worth the time to think maybe why I fell out: the lack of time, depression, am I stagnant in path? The answer really is… I don’t know. Genuinely a culmination of various external and internal blockages that cannot be dealt with in their entirety, but I can persevere through the monotony of the mundane to place myself back into a spiritual space.

I haven’t been without complete practice. If I had to pinpoint around the time I started to slack, I remember something had happened to me. Strange and out of place, I was brushing my teeth one morning and there was this loud, distinct voice in the back of my head saying “there are so many fragments of you, but which one is really you?

I’m not going to say it’s x spirit, but I’m not really sure if it was “me” either. It was random and sort of troubling. I went forward into a deep, reflective path until, well, now. Speedrunning every major philosophy viewpoint in the known dictionary. That’s boring self-work and hardly has place here. In conclusion, I should spend time with the shadow aspects of myself and figure out its problem.

Enter chaos
I had a friend over, nothing new. They are not familiar with witchcraft/spirituality/the likes, don’t hate on it either. A neutral, open-minded viewpoint. For fun, I had them pull one card from my Vampire tarot deck and one from my Dukante, and at this point, I could tell life was going to be Hell for me.

Fresh out of the deck, the Tower then Leviathan from the other. Ironic as I usually associate Leviathan with the Tower card, but when that card appears, I know (as much as I try to deny it) my life is going to inevitably shift. Painfully it did, as these have been the worst last two work weeks of my life. The whole shebang of questioning my will to life, my need to work, what would I do if I didn’t do this. The everything, plainly. Driven to the point of near insanity over the corporate bullshit that I considered quitting.

I’m not an impulsive person, so I’m sticking it out. Kind of. I still feel like I’m spiraling down into some dark place because my world is out of control, but I’m better than that and I’m certain if I just reach out and grab the reigns, I’ll be okay.

There’s also that thing where my friend group shifted dramatically and the mess that comes with unexpected change. My routine changed, I have extreme loss of appetite, all of that.

Angel numbers?
I, admittedly, don’t know anything about angel numbers. Not privy to them, don’t know what’s good information or bad, if they’re a strong sign of synchronicity, etc. I will say, though, for several days I have been seeing the numbers 11:11 everywhere. On clocks, on dates, on tweets, receipts, what have you.

Yeah, I don’t know what it means. Lazy me Google’d it and I get some pretty conflicting, not-relating answers. Most in line that “spirits are here to guide or support you”, some about time of manifesting, some saying something about spiritual awakening (haven’t I already had one, do I need another one?).

It’s not far-fetched for guides to be reaching out to me, attempting to support me. Not really sure why through angel numbers or if I am missing a big picture here. Either way, I would be remiss not to mention this because I’m telling you, I keep seeing 11:11 on everything for some reason.

Feminine companionship
Part of the reason I haven’t done much invocation/evocation is because I haven’t felt a calling? to do so. Not even a recreational call to visit any sort of divinity. Reasons unknown and not important to any spiritual activity, I’m sure.

Lilith, though, has been reaching out to me pretty intensely. To the point I’m hearing a clear “talk to me” prompt in my head at random. I have worked with her in the past, we’re not strangers, but she’s never been first. It’s always been me reaching out to balance an energy in me or for a specific ritual, but this time it feels a call to me.

Which led to tonight’s invocation:

Lilith evocation

Traditionally, I have worked with Lilith’s Goetic aspect and symbol, but tonight I wanted to use her Dukante symbol. Some “smart” part of me thought that engaging with an unfamiliar mask will not only force me to exercise out of comfort, but allow space for new energy to flow through.

Used her candle that I have (red heart candle), drew the Dukante symbol on a index card, no incense. Sat on the floor and started chanting her enn, which surprisingly dropped me in trance like that. I fumble new enns a lot, especially ones with more syllables to remember, but after maybe 4 repetitions, it was like muscle memory.

Drew an astral circle around me with the condition that only Lilith may engage me. Drew an astral triangle with one corner facing me to direct her attentions towards me. Held my hands out for her to hold them, if she’d like. In between us would be the candle and the index card.

Her energy honed on a single point to create apparition. Instead of an older woman with a crushed velvet long black gown, eyes with a hardened stare, I was met with a younger woman. Maybe my age or closer to 30 with long black hair, plain black crop top, black jeans. Her frame was lithe, scarily skinny, with thin bony hands holding mine. Notably, my pinkies blackened whenever her hands held over my own.

My gaze dropped to the sigil. Usually, people imagine fire taking over the sigil, as do I, but this time it did not burn; it bled. Dark crimson pulsating out of the sigil like an open wound and the floor beneath me was a large spill of blood.

Now, I’m in my trance. Mentally, I am in a room (think Wayne Manor from the movies/Gotham TV show), with Lilith smiling from a chair. It’s… odd seeing such a young image of a spirit as I’m used to them being barely human and/or older looking. Here’s the part I embarrass myself as I poured out all my problems with my head in her lap, an emotional mess, all that. Right now, she’s like a best friend that I’ve always wanted, the kind I see from other people but never in my own life. It’s comforting, feeling heard.

After clean-up in aisle 11, I was tasked with pulling myself back onto my tracks. Vampirism, that was a topic she wanted me to explore. I asked her to have one good week this week, to not be bothered or troubled by anything (I’m tired of losing sleep over it). I was told to mind myself and she’ll “handle the rest”.

I don’t remember a voice or any notable quotes. I do remember her laughter and giggling. I was warm the entire time, both in my mind and physically, like a warm blanket was around me. Could hear my heartbeat in my head, but that could be the eyestrain.

After my invocation, I pulled the following: The Tower and Knight of Cups both Reversed.

Well, I sure hope my Tower days are over because I’m beyond exhausted. The Knight of Cups is relevant to my workplace struggles. I have been overly emotional, overbearing, non-productive. Think the last card is just a read of me, not of any situation.

For the next week, I think I’ll sleep with Lilith’s sigil under my pillow to see if I can dreamwalk to/with her. I’ve been having nightmares/troubled sleep and have been sleeping with Leviathan’s sigil marked on my arm, so I can get deep sleep. I’ll have intentions to meet with Lilith and see if perhaps there something more that she is willing to do with me. Maybe deepen our connection? I do feel a little bad that I haven’t put much focus on her like I have Leviathan, Lucifuge, or King Paimon.

I think this is all for now. Have a nice night. (:

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January 16th, 2023

It’s a new year and I’ve been neglectful of this journal (for no other means than I haven’t done anything noteworthy). That is to say, for once in my absence I haven’t been lazing around with absolutely nothing. I started working through the Qliphoth several weeks ago and that has been eating up much of my time for my usual ~divine~ check-in.

I’ll likely post a different journal for that, but for now that remains in a handwritten format.

Angel numbers
Yes, much like I have mentioned earlier, I’m still seeing 11:11/111 everywhere. No, I haven’t made the effort to look into the meaning nor correlation or if I am subconsciously thrusting myself in situations where I happen to glance upon the number.

There has been no notable changes in my life or rather, I haven’t been working on anything that I’m anticipating results for, so whatever the number may mean doesn’t mean anything to me.

Some thoughts
I came across a discussion that mentions… Oh, I can’t really remember the verbatim but it was along the lines of “the more adept you become as a witch/practitioner, the less you actually want to use/practice magick”. Which, I thought was an interesting idea, but I find that “letting things be” and not being involved with anything magickal, at least for me, has one fall stagnate. Sure, I don’t need to ~cast spells~ and summon a million demons daily to experience change-against-fate, but I thought it was a little silly to say the least. Plus I know that when the time comes and I need to perform ritual for something important, I may know the steps and ingredients, but it is very obvious that I am out of tune.

Art and all things expressive
Thanks to King Paimon, I found my inspiration again. My muse, if you will. I’m able to actually draw and write for the enjoyment of the process. I never thought I’d move above seeking validation for the work I curate. Though, I suppose when you receive more joy simply creating than you are receiving praise, it eventually flows towards the process than the end result. Many thanks for King Paimon for livening my soul with what I had lost.

Unaccounted milestone
One thing I’ve never spoken of as it is a more sensitive topic is the topic of my weight. COVID + college stress weight sticking on me for over a year. I started my workout journey roughly… a year ago. As of a few weeks ago I weighed in 30 pounds less and up 15% muscle density. Body fat percentage is still around 30%, which is fine. I was able to reign in my habits enough that I’m certain that I get down to a comfortable 20% here before long. Aiming for maybe 15%? It’s not exactly sustainable in a realistic, non-sport/influencer setting, but I can sure try.

Why am I mentioning this? Well, originally I petitioned Belial to assist me in my journey to gain practical muscle and better my health, so I have him to thank for assisting in both discipline and motivation to keep going.

Anger rumination
To keep a long story short (I may have mentioned this on the other forum, unsure), I suffered a long, quiet period of isolation to reflect on myself and my character in 2020-2021. As all healing journeys, recovery is not linear. I find myself aware of my thoughts and causes of irrational irritation, which is a plus for me, but every so now and again I remember old situations that drive me insane.

For years, I’ve work with Leviathan and Dantalion over these issues and I’ve often cropped it up to lack of closure. Being forced to move on without any last words, no retort, no snide over-the-shoulder and out-the-door remarks. I find it happening again, likely due to be travelling through Gamaliel into Samael in the Qliphoth. I’ll probably find myself back at Leviathan’s candle again to address something I’ve missed, or potentially, address what I lack. Maybe, just maybe, the kid in me misses their friends and loved ones. Miss the closeness I could openly experience with pure, unadulterated love and affection. I don’t think I’m bitter after everything nor guarded by any sense of the word, but reforming myself doesn’t replace people, you know, only allows me to cope.

Angel magick??
Every now and again I’ll get random inspiration to reach into angel magick. I have a few times, it’s not unknown to me, but this time around I’m getting a major push thataway. Which puts me at a dead stop because while I enjoy GoM, I want study material and potentially something a touch more ceremonial and traditional.

May or may not look into that. I’m not sure at this time, but I’m heavily gravitating that is for sure.

I think I’ve exhausted all the long-running topics. :thinking: I want to get back on track with my usual studies and rituals. It’s not a New Year’s resolution or anything, It’s always something I know I should be doing and often don’t for various excuses.

Either way, have a nice day, (:

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January 27th, 2023

This will be a small mashup of a reading I performed about a week ago and tonight’s working.

Lucifuge’s office hours
I can’t really remember why I wanted to reach out and meditate with Lucifuge. I believe it was for searching for clarity? Or something to settle my irrationally-minded brain. I do remember “walking” into this “office” with him sitting at some mahogany desk. The all-too-familiar feeling of walking into a prestigious lawyer’s office.

Meeting notes

I don’t remember the conversation as a whole, but I did manage to write down some quotes he did say to me, so to be concise I will just list them:

  • “Job promotion, new job wealth? All of that is in your hands. The [???] (can’t read word) of me and Saturn bless you. You have a destiny of being successful.”
  • “Focus on sitting still and tune into the energies around you”
  • “You’re too into the physical lately, you need to go beyond [yourself].”

Paired with that, I did a tarot pull and received the following:

High Priestess (Rx), Ace of Wands, Magician (Rx)

Sound like a lot of wasted potential in me and it’s probably true. It’s hard to say as I haven’t felt like I had much energy to to focus on things that matter (outside of work).

Missing Lucifer
I haven’t called upon or came across or anything for Lucifer in maybe two years now. Often I think of him, as I still wear his sigil, but I haven’t felt much of a “pull” to do anything else. Until recently, that is. A long while ago, I perform an auto-writing (drawing) session where I scribbled a bunch of random things while attempting to channel him. During that session, I scribbled this sigil, thought nothing of it, and left it buried with that old Book of Shadows somewhere at the bottom of my tool drawer. I’ve been thinking of it, specifically seeing that corner of the page vividly in my mind that it might as well be a photograph. Like it’s some sort of calling to grab it and try to commune with it, but I’ve yet to do anything about that yet.

Leviathan
Decided tonight that I wanted a session with Leviathan, a small break from my Qliphoth workings. No grand illusionary pathworking, just me sitting in darkness clacking the tail ends of my prayer cord together while chanting his enn. The most I received was the visual of sitting on an island with a large serpentine dragon encircling me in the water around me.

The working

It was odd as I started chanting a prayer/litany/invocation to him. One I’ve never planned/thought of in passing/anything. A bunch of words from the bowels of my soul asking for his protection and his wisdom. It’s likely a long overdue invocation I’ve meant to speak earlier, but haven’t the time to.

Beyond that, I asked him through tarot what are things I need to hear and drew the following:

High Priestess and II of Swords Knight of Swords

This one I found a little more difficult to decipher since I feel like one is a calling to my craft (or at the least my gut) and the other signals some sort of choice or in-between. I can’t really think of anything I’m at the crossroads at? I know I’ve been researching into Enochian/Angel magick, but I can’t imagine that forcing me to single out a path. Perhaps it’s something I should be expecting later. I will likely know in due time.

EDIT (again): Hi, it’s Viktor and it’s 1AM. I realized that is not the II of Swords, but in fact, it is the Knight of Swords when I was reading over this post for fluidity. My deck has King-Page listed by dice imagery and I found that this is indeed the Knight. Which, my association with it by memory is someone who is a driven spirit and aims for success, but I took a look at the book (for once) and found that the meaning for this deck is more instinctual/aligned with madness:
image

The two combined is giving more of a “follow your gut/listen to your intuition”, but the chaotic nature of this written meaning has me wondering what Leviathan could possibly be conveying to me? Perhaps to stay caution or maybe I should just throw all inhibition to the wind if the moment feels right, lol. I’ll have to rethink this because clearly my mind was stuck on trying to figure out balance and choices, not, well, this.

Notably, I also drew from my Dukante deck. It’s a rarity, but I was instructed to focus on the character of this demon and take from its message. Balandax is not one I’m all too familiar with. To be honest, I should spend another session meditating on the cards and divining a more defined meaning from them. In this case, I suppose pull focus from my insecurities and focus on my strengths? I’ll mull over this for the next 7 days.

EDIT: I know the card is Babael. I realized that whenever I was placing the cards together for the photo, I grabbed the wrong one off on the side. :confused:

Enochian study
I did not get too far in this. After scratching through various forums for good recommendations, I have this feeling it would be more valuable to take from the horse’s mouth and study John Dee’s journals, then go from there to practical application. I’m not itching to sink my hands into angelic evocation anytime soon, so I reckon a bit of background study will do be better in the long term.

Ingredients; no cake
I am kicking myself to work on these long-threaded spells I’ve been meaning to perform. Whole rituals outlined in my head and all + the stuff for them sitting on my altar collecting dust. I’ve been stuck on a loop of procrastination and this incessant need to iron out any loopholes in them. I’m pushing for this weekend to at least compose 1 of 3, then move to the others. It’s more frustrating that I haven’t forced the time before, but that’s life.

Have a nice night, everyone. (:

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Lovely Tarot deck and beautiful prose, watching with interest :raised_hands:

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