A long sweet, sunny afternoon monologue, a collection of my recent thoughts and questions and views.
I don’t know what the fuck it is actually… Last few days have been blissful. My last experience with the energy and events of Thagirion were hard and shitty. I want to say it feels like I was tested by Thagirion in ways I had not been before that point last year, but even after enduring great pain and fighting inertia to keep moving forward I saw no exaltation or elevation from making my way through the Qlippa, I definitely don’t feel like I attained anything like the “awakening of the Black Sun” in my soul and the “exaltation and attainment of becoming a Dark 
Adept of Sitrah Achra.” It was just a long hard slog, and after that it got so much worse going into golachab.
What I’m experiencing right now is a stark contrast to my last experience. Maybe my responses to the stimulus of Thagirion last time simply weren’t up to snuff enough to engender the attainment. That’s very possible.
This time I can feel it!!! Something, I new position, a height, newness, renewal.
Like this is a little weird yeah.
But today, right now actually I want to just shout with joy: I FEEL SO ALIVE!!!
For one of the only times in my entire existence, my memory of it, do I feel like I am right where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing to “move forward”.
It’s like something happened inside of me, this very morning during ceremony. Nothing really major was done differently than I normally do for a pre dawn rite, couple cups of coffee prior, nothing unusual. I did do an alternative version of the lesser headless rite with such force that I could feel the dark shadows around me trembling with the bolstering power of Sitrah Achra. That was the one noteworthy difference. The rest of the ceremony felt like I was flying.
To put this into language further may actually only confuse or take away from what I’m feeling and experiencing now. I feel I must say this though it’s like I found a perfect, eternal stillness in my heart and soul. I permanent connection to the unmanifest, a void, a perfect black hole with incredible magnetic strength drawing all back into this night time of thoughtless light.
Yes writing those words did do something for me, it may have confused you if you don’t understand Qlippoth/Kaballah but if you do, or if you can sense what I’m experiencing it was the moment I found my “black fire hidden inside”. This is like the Dark fountain X 1 million kajillion. This is the polar opposite of experiencing my holy Kedusha divinity ( this typically happens to a RHP magician the first time he nails the bornless rite with the correct pitch, form, poise and inflectional force, it produces the fabled “conversation with HGA” or in other parlance the attainment of knowledge and connection with ones higher self) ( At-one-ment, connectedness with all things, and being absorbed into the limitless “thoughtful” white light of God.
In truth I had found this before perhaps once or twice in moments of great, dire need or a moment of 
dangerous, exigent circumstances.
Tapping into this “source” or using it to for empowerment or to engender change is very simple and I suspect is simple, elegant and intuitive, plugged into this source you become something in that moment that is so much more than you can ever currently be…now that I have found the precise location of this ( and I’m not going to share that with others, you earn this yourself, like the rest of us did. You’ve been given enough clues and you should by reading between the lines know where to begin your search for this. You have this, I have this, humanity has this, problem is we as human beings for the most part aren’t self reflective enough to know or even desire to know of what they are truly composed of st their core…and that is a sad state of affairs. ,
I’m going to enjoy riding this wave for a time and then, wide awake I’ll be moving on.
Now I’m not saying that this is without a doubt I’ve experienced the “attainment” of Thagirion, the "becoming of Dark Adept 
( sorry it’s just edgelordy and cheesy when I hear myself talk like that, I get a laugh out of some of the Qlippoth language of my studies) of the Nightside…
Now this brings me moving on to another topic of my thoughts, people that give themselves titles like this or that usually aren’t worthy of what those titles truly mean when compared side by side with someone who really lives that title fully and truly. I have never met a real Adept, either LHP, RHP or middle pillar who others ( the Adepts peers) recognize as an Adept to truly they themselves feel worthy of that title… It almost always makes them uncomfortable that others see them with such esteem when they themselves don’t feel like they were the real mccoy. It’s a form of humility, keeping it real, checking your ego, and a touch of imposter syndrome.
Others can recognize that you are living that title truly, wearing it as a mantle while living your truth, that you are carrying that state of development. That’s fine, but if your peers arent recognizing you as that then feeling the need to arbitrarily give yourself titles to make yourself feel special means youve probably got a whole different set of problems that I’m not qualified to help you work though. This path, this lifestyle is not a hobby or s fad or a special interest or activity group for role players, the shit is not a game or joke people that don’t recognize this is an actual VOCATION, and treat it with level of respect are playing with fire. Fuck around and find out. Btw I use the word vocation in the truest sense of the word ( means CALLING, or to be called to) End of the day titles mean much less than actual “Attainments” measurable progress forward and beyond where you are now. In all senses spiritually of that idea. What matters is real progress, real evolution, and may r if you’re into it…fuck it start a real revolution inside yourself! Anything else is just image and acting.
Understand that the word or recognition of it, in and of itself means very little, The universe doesn’t give a shit about what we refer to eachother as. That’s a fact. It IS however, a genuine part of our culture in occultism and in the LHP (always had been since antiquity and will always be!) We have this custom to recognize with respect others who have achieved or better yet…“attained” certain degrees of advancement In what is our strange, fragmented, path spiritually onward. There is nothing wrong with this, it’s an honorary in our culture. Just don’t see it for something it’s not or let the shit go to your head.
I’m gonna tell you right now if you don’t know. The difference in knowledge, understanding, and abilities and power ( the power to manifest change in accordance with will!) Of an intermediate student and an adept are huge, it’s like the distance from one side of the gulf of Mexico to.the other. One is much much stronger than the other.
Real LHP Masters are likewise vastly more able, more powerful, and more experienced and have a perspective that is considered mind blowing by most Adepts. We’re blessed to have 1 perhaps 2 ( and I am not the definitive judge or arbitrator of who is what, I have eyes and I can see for myself what’s what usually and I can call a spade a spade most of the time, just like the rest of you) of this caliber practioner here with us on OM.
If you know, you know, and they don’t flaunt that shit either, they live that shit! They carry the LHP, the current and the community forward in directions that are beneficial pretty much to everyone concerned. They support, provide feedback, often times protect or look for others newer to our path and give advice and constructive criticism, and at times discipline when and where it’s correctional and needed. They think almost nothing of themselves and concern themselves with helping to empower and educate other people to become the practicioner of their dreams. That’s real talk and that’s what makes this degree of practicioner (when they are well aspected and dignified are such an asset to a community like ours. We gain alot through synergy and learn by watching others and emulating those who know more than us. This is us at our best on the LHP. We can be fearless, self determined, strong and always moving forward…to wherever this path takes us, to embrace whatever destiny unfolds before us.
Final unrelated subject of my thoughts today…
I have a little problem with the modern Magickal concept of “ascension”. It seems fake to me, like a Christian promise of a happy afterlife in heaven. I don’t claim to think I know what happens after this life ends, I think I know, I know what I’ve been told, but people that tell me things ( even people I trust or respect) do not always have it right either, who knows what I got taught wrong along the way.
Guys this is important. If you read my journal and or respect my views or opinions I want to share this with you. Do not ever be overly attached to you own views or opinions, try to look at these things , such as your current understanding of this or that as not necessarily complete in scope. Your way of understanding things is perfectly fine from where you’re standing now probably but that can change as you learn and grow. Be willing to just look at some of your own antiquated or errant beliefs and laugh about and adopt a new understanding based more on object fact and experience ( your own preferably). Never be too sure you’re right. Being right often means we close the door to an evolution in perspective. That’s counter productive for our kind. We need to embrace the changes in our understanding of things and world view, cosmology, ethos, pantheon, as they naturally evolve. This is called Progression. It’s normal and healthy and good for you.
There’s plenty of shit I was simply wrong about in the past, even in the near past actually. If you need me to.lrove this just read my old journals or see how some of my views and positions on different subjects or techniques have changed ( evolved) over time. We can’t be afraid to be wrong as we experiment and experience. We’re gonna be wrong about shit at times and that’s ok. My rule of thumb is if my views are significantly in the minority of that of my peers, then I take a step back and carefully consider my position or view, “am I actually right on here? Do I know or have experience or perspective that gives me insight my peers may not have had access to yet?” If I can’t point to a valid reason that I am in fact correct I will ask my peers to explain their difference in views to me and in that process I may come to agree and change my view as well. Fuck if I’m doing something wrong or understand something imperfectly or incorrectly it’s in my best interest to have someone I respect give me correction! I’d rather be doing shit the right way even if it wasn’t my idea to begin with than to cling to my current perspectives and regard them as truth.
Now here’s the rub, you gotta be willing to listen to your peers, value their observations, respect their opinions even if you don’t agree with them. If you aren’t willing to listen people can see that pretty fast and just aren’t going to make it thier job to help you.
There have been plenty of times I see that someone could use some insight on something but when I extended myself they were defensive or dick about it and I just walked on my way. This community I want to say, most especially after the separation of the one community, to this one are mostly quality people. Normal, sane, reasonable people who are all searching and generally moving towards whatever comes in the same direction. People here are good for the most part. I can’t say the same thing about other collectives elsewhere. Nor will I focus on that, it’s frankly irrelevant.
In a recent conversation with @norse900 he summed up most of my last 4 or 5 rambling paragraphs by saying. You can’t help everyone, a person had to be at a place where they can listen. He’s absolutely right about that.
I’ll close with this bit of redneck Michigander wisdom “Boy! Don’t you know God gave you TWO ears and only one mouth for a reason?”. -.
Listening is almost more important than speaking. Thank you for joining me on this rambling monologue it actually helps me clarify things to myself when I speak them aloud to an imaginary audience, hell I don’t know if anybody reads my shit for sure anyway LOL
. I’m asking because I was a bit worried about it, didn’t know if I was doing it right, no clue how someone can do it wrong, but you never know I guess.
