A Wander Through the Gates

My stash is growing… With all that selection, old mate Belial STILL complained that I didn’t have frankincense for him. It’s like, I love ya mate, but you literally have like 60 other kinds to choose from.

As an aside I got him his damn frankincense incense. When I can be arsed topping up some of my herb and resin supplies, I’ll get him some frankincense resin. I still have dragons blood, black copal and some sandalwood.

I’ve got some sucking up to Belial to do.i didn’t do something I was meant to. Or rather, I did something that wasn’t exactly supposed to do. I won’t go into the minutiae of the matter, but I know I’m on for a lecture. I can cop that on the chin. He’s got no tact or diplomacy when he’s teaching a lesson, whether negative or positive, but he’s fair. And i have to ask him for a favour. I doubt he’d say no, he got an extra present the other day.

Some more pics…

First is some feathers I found while out and about. Could feel one of the clique wanted them, but couldn’t work out who right away. Ended up working out that Abaddon was smitten with them. Tbh, I don’t blame him. They’re really nice feathers. It’s not often you find one nice crow/raven tail wing feather and to find 4 was nice.

Second photo is the ritual where I gave them to Abaddon and did our regular “Sunday School” session. Learnt a couple things that will come in handy. Actually, they’ve already proven useful. But he didn’t have to tell me there was an easier way to do it a d that I insist on doing everything the hard way and I that “If you’re going to do what you always do, this is the best way”. It stings because he’s right lol. I now know a bit more about black flame (even if I STILL maintain that it was blue) and how to use it for shielding/warding. So it all worked well.

And he’s chuffed with the feathers… Might offer up a cup of tea and some copal.

Just realised I included the wrong pic in the post about Abaddon . That ritual pic is with Bael.

I’ve been chatting with him more of late. I also need a favour from him, so if he can help with a financial issue I’m having, I’ll let him pick an item for the altar. Belial has his gold peacock, Orobas has a Pegasus statue, Lilith has her piece of Amytrine… I’m thinking a frog or a cat. I’ll let him pick

But first, I need to get my finances in order. Gotta love the government fucking you financially without even having the decency to use some spit first. Ugh.

I had an issue with my pension a few months back, which caused my rent to stop being deducted… In September. I found out like a week ago. Not one letter or call or anything. It’s partly my fault for not checking it had been restarted, but I assumed it was automated. Now, I’m having issues again and I really have to get it sorted. But, as I’m dealing with a government department who tell me that they don’t have my ID on file when I specifically had to get a new ID and take it to them to get the pension started in the first place… Le sigh. This is why I’ll need Bael’s help. Government departments have the collective IQ of an amoeba; I’ll need all the help I can get lol.

Maybe I can ask him to get them to hurry up and replace my fucking stove while I’m at it. It’s only been like 3 weeks without a stove. I’m totally not going mad not being able to cook…

First though, I’m gonna eat because I just realised that j didn’t eat the food I made 4 hours ago. In the interim, please enjoy this pic


This is going to be somewhat of a long entry because, well there’s a lot to this story; culminating in what I think is some of my strongest work to date. I hope to be able to replicate this work down the track without the guidance of the awesomely and scarily powerful Moloch.

Sometimes I like to take photos of the setup I’m using during a ritual. This helps me to go back later and pick what I can do better next time. I’m quite funny when it comes to object placement on my altar workspace during a ritual, so it’s nice to be able to go back and see what worked and what didn’t. That, and who doesn’t love a good bit of ritual porn, eh? Lol.

The current phone I’m using has a terrible camera, so the pictures often come out grainy and blurry. So while trying to take pics of a ritual space before I began (I sometimes also like to check the photos for evidence of spiritual activity), I was trying to adjust for light (or lack thereof) and get a better picture. I somehow managed to turn the whole photo this eerie, fiery red. I’d been feeling a heavy spiritual presence for a few days too, but as my clairs are not as developed as I would like, I couldn’t make out who it was. They were just there. Watching. It felt on more than one occasion that I was being observed.

Not thinking about any of this, I sent a couple of the photos to a friend of mine who’s quite a bit more experienced than I am. They messaged me back saying that they could sense Moloch hanging around. It clicked for me then that that must’ve been the heavy, dark presence observing over the previous couple of days. I had absolutely no idea why Moloch would be hanging about as I hadn’t done any work with him or requested his presence at all.

I was somewhat scared and also flattered that he would decide to visit little old me. But I had absolutely no fucking clue why or what he could possibly want. So I reached out as best as I could without a sigil or enn, but he was already there, waiting to jump on me the second I reached out. I was asked to go to my altar “remove all that is Belial’s” as my space was setup with stuff of Belial’s from the night before and to get fresh candles. I was also asked for some incense. Then… Nothing. I sat in my temple/altar space and got nothing. So I went and grabbed a drink. Sat back down. Still nothing.

At this point, I was getting a little confused. Had I misheard? Was I just overtired? No, I’d definitely heard what I’d heard. After I while, further instructions began to filter through… Grab the glass goblet I use, filled with water as a focal point and in lieu of a crystal ball (water is an excellent spiritual conduit btw, folks… Try invoking a spirit in the bath - it’s like the water is copper wire for spirits) and place three candles around it as a triangle. I did as I was told and sat down in my temple and began to try and strengthen the connection between myself and Moloch. After a while (I couldn’t tell you exactly how long, I’m afraid), a rough sort of image of a man with the head of a bull began to form in the water. This was a first for me, so I was taken aback a bit. I closed my eyes to focus more and began my conversation with Moloch.

I won’t go into detail of this part of our conversation as it was private, but the gist was I wasn’t leaving the LHP any time soon and that he was here to teach me “through fire”. After our conversation, Moloch stated that he was going to teach me the first of our lessons. I will not be going into full detail of the spell (if one could really call it that, it was more energy sort of work and evocation) as it’s not something I’ve been able to see results of or even repeat as yet. But I do feel that I should share the overall experience.


I would not recommend this if you are not at least somewhat experienced in evocation etc. It is not my best skill, so this left me feeling super drained and with a massive headache. But it was definitely an excellent learning experience and I look forward to bettering my skill in this area.

I was instructed to sit in front of the goblet of water that was inside the triangle of candles on my altar. I was told to ground myself and draw on my power/black flame (something shown to me by Abaddon a while back) and tap into the dark divine we all have inside us. Using that, I was told to focus on a target that had committed a wrong against me. The goal was to call out to them and draw them into my focal point in the triangle of candles and trap them there. Once trapped there, I was to hold them there and then offer them as a sort of sacrifice to Moloch. This is a part I won’t go into the details of how in public at this stage. Possibly in the future, just not right now.

I focused on a target and worked on calling them into the triangle. I feel as though I made quite amazing progress that night under Moloch’s direction. I felt that I successfully, not perfectly just successfully, evoked a person into the triangle. I was able to complete the task as set forth for me. This will prove to be a useful skill in the future… I may go into detail of the more baneful aspect of this working (the offering of the evoked target as a sacrifice to Moloch) in a later entry.


“You have walked too far into the shadows to run back to the light now”

I’ve been thinking about this since Moloch said it to me. Even if I did a complete 180° turn now, I’m pretty much beyond redemption in the eyes of all JCI religions. The sins I’ve committed couldn’t even be heard by a Catholic (the religion I was born into) priest. I’d have to go to what’s called a “super confessor” and there have been none since 2016 when good old pope Frank declared that year a year of mercy.

So what does this mean for me? I mean, I don’t think I would turn back now even if I could. Where was Yhwh when I was being abused by my husband? I know I called out to him more than once. Shit, I was going to church daily at one point. Where was he during my childhood when I spent all that time in foster care and being shuffled around between aunts and uncles and my batshit insane mother? I prayed and prayed and prayed as a kid. Not so much as a “fuck you”. Just silence.

Now, I don’t hate him. It would be pointless to hate him. He, just like every other god there is, has a place and purpose in the universe. Do I think spending a lifetime on my knees begging an entity that has never once made his presence known let alone answered a prayer for forgiveness for shit he hardwired me to do is how I want to spend my life? No. I think my creation was the ultimate act of self indulgence and vanity. I think punishing humanity for doing what he knew we would do and calling it “free will” is preposterous. No shade on anyone who wants to, it’s just I don’t want to walk my path on my knees.

I have had more comfort, more care and love from entities I was taught to fear for most of my life. Yeah, they’ve also fucked me over but they’ve been there for me more than Yhwh was. He never held my head and sang to me during a panic attack. He never kicked my arse when I was being stupid. He never gave me the tools to better myself and become strong. No, he was like my father - fucking absent my whole life lol.

Would I run back to the light of given a clean slate? Probably not. Almost certainly not. I’m quite at home here in the dark.

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In two days, it will be the 4 year anniversary of the day my ex husband almost killed me in front of my son. I wish I was being melodramatic when I say that, but that’s not the reality. I almost certainly wouldn’t be here today if some random woman hadn’t driven past when she did and screamed at me to get in her car.

The thought of that day still makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach especially when I think about just how close I came to death. The flashbacks have all but stopped, but I still have the odd nightmare and still can’t smell alcohol on someone’s breath without feeling panic. Just writing this out is incredibly difficult for me and tears are stinging my eyes as I type. However a necessary part of healing from trauma is being able to look it in the eye and give it no power over you. So that’s why I’m doing this; so that person and the abuse I endured for 12 years up to that point has no power over me anymore.

I mean, what happened will always affect me. For my ex, what happened was just another day. For me it has totally changed the way I see the world and even the way the neural pathways in my brain forever. He will never feel guilty or even see what he did as the truly awful thing it is.

I doubt he remembers even half of the shit he did. But I remember all of it. It’s burned into my brain and pops up like I’m right there again. I can smell my own blood and see it spattered on the walls, I can smell his alcohol breath, I can hear my son crying… It’s like being traumatised all over again whenever it’s happens. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen as often as it used to but the lead up to the anniversary of the day I left always brings it all flooding back.

PTSD is a funny thing. Heck, all mental illness is extremely odd when you’re and otherwise logical person. You know the thoughts are disordered and that they aren’t normal or helpful. But even your logic and reason can’t stop you from having those thoughts. It’s like, I know I’m not back in that house and I live over the other side of the city. I know I’m safe now. But when I’m having a flashback or a panic attack or even just spiralling, I can’t control it. Medication helps to a point and I have finally gotten myself into proper therapy. But it’s always there.

I know I’ve written about it before but I’m bringing it up again because it’s all coming to a head. All the trauma, all the memories, the pain and rage is all being brought back by the person who caused it. I think I could handle it better if he showed some semblance of remorse, but one cannot expect contrition from a raging narcissist. Contrition for them is gaslighting you into feeling guilty for daring to think they did something wrong. For so many years I wasn’t even allowed to get angry when he would do stuff like insinuate I should unalive myself or needing to rest with a newborn baby. I wasn’t allowed to be human. So when this stuff happens, I have an over the top reaction. All that time I wasn’t allowed to feel caused so much pent up sadness and anger. And it doesn’t always come out at the most helpful times.

In Japan, there’s something called kitsune . Kitsune is when they use gold to repair broken pottery. This is so they cracks because their own artwork. I think our traumas can be like kitsune on our soul if we work through them properly. Each time we’re broken, we can be repaired and become a new piece of art. We’ll never be the same, and there is no need to try and hide the cracks. The cracks can be their own art as long as we don’t allow what broke us to define us, instead have it become part of us. This is something magick has allowed me to see. I don’t have to forgive my ex. I don’t have to pretend it didn’t happen. Those bruises and broken bones all happened and even though they’ve been repaired, they will always be there. I don’t need to “not spend my energy” on it. I can accept that it’s part of me and use it to make me a new piece of art through the kitsune that is my journey on the lhp.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be cursing the fucker again on the anniversary. The legal system let him essentially get away with almost killing me that day, but I certainly won’t allow it. Just because I have to move on to become whole and a better parent, doesn’t mean for one second I’m gonna allow him to get away with it. Karma sometimes needs a helping hand and who am I to deny her request?

So, to celebrate four years of being free I’m going to throw the absolute worst I can think of at him. No holds barred, no half measures; I’m going to throw him to the wolves of hell and let them eat their fill. Possibly using what Moloch showed me the other night. 'Twould be glorious to see him suffer the way I have. I know that sounds terrible, but I honestly don’t care. He deserves to suffer. Yes, I am moving on; that’s what I have a therapist for. But I am healing not healed and if throwing the worst curse I have helps me feel better, fuck it, I’m going to do it.

As an aside, please check in on any of your friends, male or female, you think might be in an abusive relationship. You might think that they can just leave, but I can assure you it’s not that simple. Living with an abusive partner erodes your sense of self to the point you can barely even think for yourself. They isolate you from family and friends so you have no support if you were to leave. They hobble you financially so you have no money to leave. They beat you, not only physically but emotionally, mentally and spiritually to the point you honestly think you can’t leave. And they threaten you so that you’re afraid they’ll do worse if you do leave. You become a shell of the person you were and you eventually start to believe it’s all your fault and that you deserve what’s happening to you. So when you say “why don’t you leave?” you’re confirming to that person that they deserve it because they stay. It’s a horrible place to be. So just let them know you’re there and that you support them. Keep letting them know you support them because I can tell you now that they feel alone in the world.


If you’d like an extra hand feel free to send me a message. I’m familiar with that type, and the depth of harm they cause. I don’t give out my trade secrets publicly, but I can send you some of my methods. If not, no worries.


That would be awesome… I’m always looking to learn more from people. I tend to lose focus trying to read books on the subject. As Abaddon once said to me “you must always do things the hard way…”


I think that’s a beautiful way to heal. :rose:

My ex tried to unalive me with our daughters in the house. So, I feel this post.

I hope you always stay strong and give em hell. :heart:

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So… A bit of background info before I get down to brass tacks.

I met this guy online like 12 months ago, we shall call him Mercedes for the post to protect his privacy. I’m sure he’d LOVE to know I’ve been writing about him in a magick Journal lmao. Mercedes and I have been chatting on and off, by we had never met. He also has a habit of just vanishing on me for extended periods.

Normally this doesn’t bother me as I’m somewhat flighty too. But if someone sorta disappears mid conversation (especially after showing me a pic of them with a black eye), I gt a bit worried when I don’t hear from them for a week plus. I’m a little paranoid about it as the last time that happened, I ended up at the person’s funeral. Anyhow, Mercedes disappears for like 2 weeks, pretty much mid convo.

Now, he disappearing part isn’t the weird part… Weirdest part I mean. The man and whole thing is weird, but I digress… The weirdest part is that, upon hearing that I was in a tight spot financially, gave me money, arranged to come over, ghosted, messaged me the next day THEN disappeared.

About two/three weeks later, he messages me. While I was happier than I expected to be hearing from him, I did tell him " you got some 'splaining to do, Houdini". He was contrite, and we chatted away as we normally would. Don’t hear from him for a few days, but ended up hearing from him randomly yesterday when I wasn’t far from where he lives. So we teed up to finally meet.

Now I get to my point… I mean nothing went wrong yesterday; although weird, he was an absolute gentleman and even drove me to pick up my son and dropped us at my apartment. The conversation was good, he wasnt weird in a creepy, handsy “this dude is a potential r*pist” way, and it was chill. My problem is I have terrible taste in people lol.

In saying that though, this ties in perfectly with a reading I had done and a few other things. So I’m confused. Is this shit falling into place? Or have I picked another wrongun? Only time and tarot cards will tell. Haven’t done a reading about this one, which is odd. But I am curious as to his intentions.

I also don’t know how he’d react to seeing my altar and stuff in the living room. He’s not exactly a magick type from what I can gather. I don’t want to hide it because that’s a BIG part of who I am, but I also want to hide it because well, there’s blood and stuff lol. I mean, it’s my goddamn house. I can have what I want, where I want within reason. But I know how some people are.

In saying that though, it would be a good test to see if he’s going to be like the last guy I invited into my life and be disrespectful (said my main man King Belial “ain’t shit” and referred to my practice as "those demons you play with… I think I know why Belial HATES him lol), or freak out and run away never to be sent again, try to tell me how “mAgIcK iSn’T rEaL” or be totally ok. Like I can get making a couple of wise cracks, like my friend who, when J first started just leaving my stuff out asked me if I sacrifice goats. I can handle that and being told it’s not real or even runnig away. I mean if I was a muggle still and I saw a windowsill and glass tables with bloodied sigils, tarot cards, candles, incense and the odd spatter of blood I miss occasionally, I’d probably have a wtf moment too.

But disrespect is not called for. I don’t go around asking Catholics what Jesus’s blood tastes like or Muslims whether music is Haram because they can’t dance or whatnot. I think, while all beliefs should be scrutinised occasionally to see if they still hold worth, that disrespecting someone’s beliefs in their own fucking house is just a bit shit. I, stupidly, let that wankpuffin slide that night. Going so far as placating Belial to get him to leave the guy alone. Turns out old mate was right (and they may have had personal issues in the past) and he enjoyed pointing that out immensely lol. If anyone has ever sat through Belial saying “I told you so” you know what I mean :rofl:

But yes… I’m going to pull some cards later. I’m curious about multiple points about this. I’m also thinking of maybe doing a lust ritual with Prince Sitri in the next few days to kinda amp things up a little. Tbh, I don’t really think I see this going too much farther into serious territory. Dude is too flighty. … BUT it’s also most likely what Orobas mentioned in a reading done for me a couple months ago. This dude fits the person mentioned in that reading to a t. And I trust Orobas’ word. He’s not steered me wrong so far.

Also, tonight if I don’t fall asleep too early, I’m going to try and chat to Long Belial about, amongst other things, our pact and possibly doing qlippoth soon. I’ve walked too far into the shadows now according to Moloch; time to dive into the bottomless abyss and commit.


It’s about respect. You have a right to be spiritual as you see fit, without being disrespected.

Undermines your spirituality and belittles it. The language used tries to put it on par with a first grader or something. It’s a rude as fuck way to speak to an adult.

And from all the spirits that somebody could piss off… To get Belial angry at ya, lmao as Mr T would say, “I pity the fool!”


EXACTLY! And this person said they were an ex practitioner. Explains why Lilith noped out as soon as she saw him and why Belial started messing about almost the minute he walked in… My theory is that he upset them and thought walking away would save him… Or he was straight up lying. Which leads to other why’s but not my circus, not my monkeys. He made his bed. I helped him once, not doing that again. I know where my loyalties lie and, sadly for this guy, I’ll pick Belial 150% of the time.

And one would think that anyone with half a brain wouldn’t upset someone who does what we do. Regardless of whether you believe it or not, we have multiple sharp things in the house lol

Yep lol. He is having a fair bit of fun with his life atm. Let’s just say, he is in a far worse position now than he would’ve been if he’d kept his mouth shut and just been decent.

I was asked to do some things to, idk, I guess for Belial to see if I was willing to have a role in punishing him or test my loyalty? I’m not sure, but I definitely didn’t say no. Belial has sat with my mentally ill self through panic attacks, joked with me, kicked my arse when I’ve been stupid… This other knobjockey stopped replying when I told him I was bordering on a panic. I know who is cheer for in a fist fight lol

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I just love it when spirits use vague language and leave you to fill in the blanks…

I have two friends with the same name. One is a practitioner and the other is almost the polar opposite of that. This is important info.

So Abaddon asks to have a chat the other night, and I oblige. He comes in full force, scary imagery etc and tells me I have to speak to “M”. I automatically think he’s taking about my practitioner friend. But I’m hesitant to talk to them as it didn’t seem like I had all the info.

Turns out I was right not to talk to them as I was meant to speak to the other “M” who’s making some really dumb choices right now and who has had warnings from Abaddon when in my house. I tried to, but they don’t want to listen to me so right now, there’s not much I can do. He’s a grown man and whole I’d like to intervene, I don’t think I should just yet. I will when I know more though

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I don’t think I’ll ever get used to some aspects of this shit. Some of it is great and I enjoy every minute of it, whereas other stuff just makes me wanna scream.

In the last entry here, I mention Abaddon telling me to speak to a friend of mine and how I was confused because I have two friends with the same name. I worked out which one and attempted to talk to them, however they are being stubborn and unreasonable.

I’ve been thinking and it keeps circling back to having this sorta forewarning I guess (for what reason idk) and not being able to say “yeah, hi mate… Um I was chatting with Apollyon the destroyer the other night and he said that you are engaging in a reckless fight and you need to back off… In other words rest before you kill yourself, ya wanker” Can’t exactly say that to a muggle; they’ll have you committed to an asylum never to be released.

This guy is having major health issues and just won’t rest. And I know shit is going to get worse for him if he doesn’t rest. Abaddon doesn’t just let you know shit unless shit is serious. This is the same guy who had Abaddon’s tarot card (judgement) burn while he was here in the past too. So this isn’t the first time this spirit has made his presence felt in relation to this same person… He just has to rest. But he’s more concerned about losing his job than possibly dying and that is alarming to me.

And the annoying part for me, as I mentioned is not being able to share what I know and how I know it. I’ve made my feelings clear on the matter and told him this course of action is fucking ridiculous because you can’t pay bills or have a job if you basically oof yourself because you won’t fucking rest. If I could just say, and be believed that I’ve been told by a spirit that what they’re doing is essentially even stupider than words could convey, I would. But again, I’d get locked up.

Goddamn people. I swear. Ugh.

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Oh, King Bael… You are truly a sight to behold. Your abilities seem almost endless at this point. You have kept your word and it has made my life that much easier. You have gone above and beyond for me and that’s amazing. He will have to attempt to find another way to bring me down as thanks to you and your help, this door is now closed. THANK YOU KING BAEL!!

To King Belial, we will finalise our next step. You want to steer me towards qlippoth and we will do it now I have this stressor off my back. I will finally have back what I should never have lost. Deals will be signed and I will be where I am meant to be with this shit in the rubbish where it belongs.

Ayer secore on ca Bael

Lirage tasa vefa welhc Belial

So I finally bit the bullet and pacted with old mate King Belial. It’s finally final and I get to annoy him (within reason) more than I do already lol.

It took me a long while to realise that Belial had come to me even before I practiced magick. I just didn’t know his name and I put it down to dreams being weird as I was quite a staunch atheist by this point. He showed up looking like Keith Flint from the prodigy, flinging people in our way out of it with awave of his hand almost like Darth Vader. Telling me that you have to die to be reborn and after being stabbed in the chest, regenerated into a strikingly handsome black man. I’m sure in the dream he told me his name and I just forgot upon waking. The only thing I had to go on was the colour yellow and trust me when I say only having “yellow” and “demon” to ask professor Google with doesn’t yield much lol.

Eventually I kind of stumbled onto the LHP after I left my abusive ex, still with that dream in the back of my mind. I didn’t go straight to Belial, I started working with Lilith and Duke Astaroth, eventually Furcalor, Naberius and Dantalion. I worked my way to Abaddon and eventually, after about a year I FINALLY met Belial.

We clashed almost instantly :joy: He wanted me to kneel, probably to swag on me as the kids of today say, flex his muscles and assert his dominance sort of thing. And when I refused, we argued. I still don’t know if this was all a test to see if I had the balls, so to speak, to put up with what he planned on putting me through or if he was just honestly shocked I snapped back at him.

It took a few meetings before it dawned on me that Belial was who had been in that dream a good four years before any of this happened. Once I jerryed onto that fact, Belial was like “this isn’t our first rodeo.”. Not those exact words, but words to that effect. He gave me the impression that we have found each other, one way or another, over multiple lifetimes. I don’t know if that’s my wishful thinking and seeing what I want or not though. But it is a nice thought.

We’ve had highs and lows. He’s broken my trust and put me in physical and spiritual danger. He’s allowed me to believe that he’s abandoned me right when I needed him. He’s done what demons do and been creative with the truth to put it mildly. He’s made me cry in pain and anguish more than once… But he’s held my head and sung to me to calm me down when I was having a panic attack. He’s come through for me last second when I’ve needed help. He’s made sure things have gone my way. We have shared laughs and joked and had some great times. I’ve been allowed to be vulnerable in a safe environment and, despite the gut wrenching lows, I appreciate the highs immensely.

So this is the right next step. Formalising our bond in a way I guess. It needed to be done as anyone who has worked with Belial in this fashion would know how he likes to get into every aspect of you and poke around, looking for holes. He doesn’t always respect boundaries of they’re in the way of him getting something done. And his idea of “affection” can sometimes be fucking brutal… So there needs to be some formality.

Let’s see what this brings me. King Belial, I respect and value you. May this be the beginning of a wonderful future.