We are here for you! 
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As everyone here has said, you have a family 
even if weāre only online you are always welcome here. You are valued and cared about and bring so much to this community. We are always here for youā:heart:
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Youāve been a great help to me, thank you so much 
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8th September, 2022
9:10
I spy 
with my liddol eye 
M: Hoi-
G: And where were you? (not pleased)
M: 
Gabriel can beā¦intimidating. I never thought he would be lovey dovey unicorn fluffy, that idea of angels was removed from my head a long time ago but damn Gabriel can be scary. I go back after a week and the first thing I get is a scoldingā¦at least let me warm up a bit 
Today and tomorrow are my last days of volunteeringā¦finally. I am physically exhausted and donāt have energy for anything. I woke up in my sleep last night and thought Iām gonna pass out on Friday during my work or just start snoring in the hall lol. I have a big working coming up my friends and me. Iām deadset on lighting a fire under my lazy classmatesā ass to get them to work. The prof is putting all the workload on my friends and me and weāre cracking and going crazy.
I FINALLY HAVE SCULPTING CLASS TOMORROW IāM HAVING SO MUCH FUN 
Sorry for the yelling and sudden change of mood, Iām happy that I signed up for sculpting class 
I really want to make some posts here, Iām gonna try to do it over the weekend hopefully.
I canāt think of anything else to write here so thatās all for this entry. I hope you have a good day!
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hahahahaha
I know someone on this forum that would say the very same thing about him.
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I see itās a shared experience XD
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8th September, 2022
21:56
TW// ED
Food is such a simple thing, but itās so sensitive for so many. Itās food, itās energy. But we have developed so much stigma around something so simple such as fuel. Food is, for me, a sensitive subject. I was a girl who restricted her eating and avoided things like cheese or other things I craved and loved so much because I thought I would get fat, because Iām already fat. And my mum was the least bit of help of course, calling me fat when others said I lost weight. I was stressed, didnāt look at myself in the mirror or always nitpicked my appearance.
I went from there to embracing myself and healing from it, opening up my heart again to things I loved, but Iām slowly seeing myself doing similar things I did before. It starts when I start noticing what others are eating, then it comes to me. Then I start eating less, and less then I lose my appetite. The last stage is when Iām back to sleeping all day and not eating most of the day or throwing away most of my food.
But I will not go back there. I have come a long way. Even if I think Iām going to that place again, I will resist. Because Iām choosing myself, and I will choose myself over what other people have to speak of me. I will not hurt myself again.
I signed up for the mental health clinic at my college, Iāll be getting an appointment next week. Hopefully this is good and not traumatic ā¦
I just wanted to write this. Food is such a simple thing. It is energy, fuel. Society as a whole needs to chill tf out about it. Take care of yourself people, always take care of yourself.
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ED and nervosa thoughts are such a vicious, annoying cycle. Sending love and will so you can conquer this.
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You are doing great! 
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I struggle with this too. My whole life I was never skinny enough. My dad would make fat jokes all the time. Til one day i was maybe 8 years old he was making fat jokes and I slapped the shit out of him. Left my red hand print on his face. I was shocked he didnt spank me. He believed in using a belt. But he didnt.
After that he didnt make the jokes but he was always saying i needed to loose wieght and as a teen he would put me on whatever fad diet there was. Its caused me to have such poor self esteem and always be self conscious about my looks.
I do try to watch my diet and exercise now but because Im diabetic and i have to keep an eye on my blood sugar and circulation.
If you ever wanna talk, Im here. I take private messages too.
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Thank you @vverfault @Keteriya
@Arianna Iām sorry you had to go through that 
It sucks. Luckily I never had to hear fat jokes, but I did have to hear jokes on other matters. I will be sure to send you a message when Iām feeling low The offer stands for you as well.
Thank you all for so much love, it makes me happy
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Thank youš
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11th September, 2022
20:09
I feel much much much better than before. The weekend was a much needed break. Today evening I was talking with my friends, and I went through many rounds of anger, sadness, empathy and disgust. Iām still confused as to what emotion Iām feeling right now.
Hmmmā¦I really donāt know what to think. I canāt shake it off either because these people mean something to me. Iāll just let it pass naturally.
Recently, my lover and I have completed one year of being together. I didnāt realize it had been 1 year till I was flipping through my BoS last evening to look for something. It was a surprise, I thought Iād do something for him but ah well. He didnāt tell me either, ig we both didnāt realize it. But time is weird. I feel like time is passing by too quickly these days. Might be the coming winter, or may be because Iām so busy these days. Either ways, Iām grateful for him.
I have either been overreacting or outright projecting my issues on an old friend. I have valid reasons to some extent but the others might just be baseless.
They say that if you donāt like something in someone, then itās in you too. I wonder then, if I would do what they did. I hope not.
I donāt like it.
Anyways, the weekend was good. College again tomorrow. I hope you all have a great day ahead!
I thought of doing some healing spells today but I havenāt gotten to them yet.
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20th September, 2022
8:41
I havenāt updated this journal for quite some time chuckles. College had completely swamped me, and with that stress along with the weather and my own prone-ness, I fell sick. I had fever and caught the flu. I still have cough, but it will be sorted in 4 days. I could finally start properly eating Sunday night, so thatās good. Me missing lunch because of the absolutely horrible schedule of classes for around 2 weeks also played a part in this. Iāve lost weight but itās not in a way I wanted to. The syllabus for one class is almost over, so hopefully she cancels those classes soon.
Azazel went a little easy last week, but I need to pick up the pace again this week. I plan on making some more glamors, try to make it a little more advanced than last time 
Iām also going to start working on a personal project of mine soonish. i.e when I get time.
I have 2 tests tomorrow (not going to college today), so I will be preparing for them however I can today lol. The syllabus is ambiguous.
Some day last week, I was listening to the hymn of Prince Orobas and was hit with a very weird epiphany. Divination is itās own category of course, I donāt know if itās considered a form of magick? (someone tell me if it is) I realized how important it is. I donāt know how to explain it. It was a mind blowing experience.
To be able to know and see beyond time and events, how things will/had play(ed) out. Piercing through the veil and standing in the middle of an astral storm seeing everything happen. Seeing and knowing.
But where does magick come into play here? Where do spells and our own personal power come into play here?
Planning spells? Knowing the outcome and deciding what to do and what not to do? I felt the answer, but Iām not consciously aware of what it is.
A good friend of mine mentioned one day, that she could sense death when death is coming. While I havenāt had a lot of experience with it, because most people I read for werenāt in the population that was anyway related to it, I did have one person I read for who wanted to know about their grandmother. The Death card fell out, and the moment I touched it, I felt the dread and doom of actual death from it. I put it back, thinking it was my own hindsight bias. And told her something that I didnāt feel was right. She was a sweet friend, I didnāt have it in me to dissapoint her.
2 days later, I came to know that her grandma had passed.
Sometimes I think maybe I shouldāve told her. Michael tells me, even if Iām this tough person in my head, Iām much softer in my dealings with people.
How much honesty then, in these kind of situations, is good?
Because I doubt we can know in whose reading we will encounter an event like this. Maybe we can train our intuition to detect it. I consider myself a zero bs reader. I donāt sugarcoat, I didnāt lie. But I did it this time. I just didnāt know how to handle it better.
My experience with death is not new. I lost my dear grandfather when I was 11 years old. Iām soon going to be 21, and I still remember feeding him soup my mom made and my birthday cake one last time before he went to the hospital and passed away. He had freshened up and walked downstairs one last time, just for me. He came to my dream once, to warn me about something that happened. He was standing on fluffy white clouds and surrounded in sunlight.
I lost my aunt 2 years after that. Then some other family member a few years later, and then a few last year.
The concept of death and a complex thing such as grief, theyāre not new to me. But that doesnāt make it easier. Understanding that pain, Iām not sure where it puts me as a reader when a situation like that happens where know sensing death. Iām studying to be a therapist, but therapy is one thing and tarot another.
Iāve written quite a bit here today. If you have any thoughts or perspectives on any topic mentioned in this, please do share them. I would love to learn more.
Thatās all for today. I hope you all have a great day ahead.
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hugs in past tense
Iāve had that experience before and if I ever had it again, itāll be a few centuries too soon.
When you know the answer, please share. This is something that I can never figure out.
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hugs back
Will do. Itās something thatās been on my mind
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25th September, 2022
22:36
Iāve been having Freudian dreams, I will not elaborate on this. Itās been a weird yet enlightening experience, itās significant of me finally moving on from one chapter of my life.
About the death question, I did get an answer from Lucifer.
āPeople come [to readers] because they want closure. If death is what it is, then give death. So that they know to cherish those last moments and not live in agony.ā
When he said that it made perfect sense. Made me think that I shouldāve realised it, but ah well.
I just got done with a ritualā¦ with Lucifer.
L: Are you ready?
M: Before I began, I told myself that Iād prepare for you.
M: I believe I canāt be more ready than this.
L: Very well.
It was an interesting and intense ritual. It was interrupted by a fucking YouTube ad, but I realized I was sweaty when I got out of it and wanted to do nothing but cool tf down.
It is not physically written yet, but now, Lucifer is like my second patron, but heās beyond a patron. In all the 3 languages I speak there is no word that would describe his role, but it is something that both of us understand and know. He always knew it, but it is only recently that Iām realizing and understanding the depths of it.
Lucifer, I welcome you to this role with open arms, and an open heart.
Thank you, for choosing me. If, you have chosen me. I donāt understand the way you work, but I have stopped trying to unravel your mystery, because it is something ever expanding and changing. I understood long ago, that you cannot be fit into a box. I too, will not restrict myself and have my wings open to whatever corner of the earth they wish to touch.
Thank you.
I look forward to this journey with you.
I was doing an invocation last night, and felt something extremely weird. Everything had suddenly went silent. I couldnāt see, feel or hear. It was very weird. I owed it to my exhaustion, so I took care to rest well.
I am going home this week. fingers crossed hope I donāt lose my sanity.
Thatās all for this entry everyone. I hope you have a great day ahead!
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One toast to the sun and one toast to the moon.
Wake up my yearning for the poor life
So you can fly against the wind without looking back
Not afraid of wet eyes.
A toast to hometown a toast to the distance
My goodness urges me to grow
So the North and the South will never be long again.
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28th September, 2022
10:08
Lucifer took me on a stroll to Eden. It was a little similar to how Iāve seen Heaven in my dreams before. Grassy, filled with plants and sunlight and what not. The difference was, while āheavenā felt full of life, Eden wasā¦empty. It was like a grave of a place that used to be.
We sat under a tree, and watched the sunset. It was a beautiful place, quiet and peaceful.
M: why are we here?
L: to fall
I havenāt been back there again, although I distinctly remember what it looked like. I saw no angel, no demon. It was no manās land.
A little random tidbit about Michael, this is completely my upg. There are two things that can make him averse to working with someone.
a) going against oneās own personal principles.
b) hurting his loved ones.
I know him to be a very chill, easy going yet strict spirit to work with who has a sense of humor.
The past few days have been mentally exhausting, and I thank my spirits for motivating and encouraging me to persevere through this.
I sang a lot of songs to my lover last night, and after days I was able to sleep well, waking up a second before the alarm rang.
I donāt have much else to add. A lot happened, but at the same time it didnāt. Thatās all for this entry. I hope you have a great day ahead.
Officialised Lucifer as my ābeyondā. I cannot explain this, because Iām not supposed to, and even if I could idk how lol.
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