This is not really focused on meditation or magick. It is more of an update on my own mental state and some general advice for beginners.
Lately, I have been reflecting on my emotional state. I tend to be a little stand offish with the intensity of my emotions to those who are not part of my close inner circles. I have learned how to dull it down with dark humor to better communicate my emotions but it has been one of my greatest challenges. It has been plaguing my mind lately and I have had to focus the reason why. Like many others, I had a parent spilt, as my biological mother split when I was a child. Ultimately it was for the best (meth is one hell of a destructive drug), but it does not mean it came wound free.
Another later to why I have trouble communicating my emotions stems from what I went through with my ex. Without going into too much detail, it revolved around emotional manipulation that included the use of threats of suicide as a means of getting attention. Needless to say, it was tough to get through, as I was also dealing with desire for suicide myself and was cutting at the time. The ending of that story allows me to be able to relate to those who have been cheated on as well (seriously, it is kind of a black swan event that I did not turn out as a misogynistic asshole and have been able to keep my current relationship going for the last decade).
So, why am I bringing up my personal shit? Simple: I have found over the years that if you work with spirits for growth, your shit is going to come up whether you like it or not. Old wounds that are not dealt with tend to fester and the infection spreads, leading to our baggage getting in the way of the things we want in life. When we ask a third party to help us achieve those things and they notice it, it is going to be brought up in ways that we are going to have trouble hiding from. It could come as thoughts, songs on our feeds, dreams or even in porn, as one of my friends explained to me (talk about a mood killer). Some spirits will do it gently, while others will do the old sink or swim method (cough Belial cough). You could try to put up limitations in deals to try to prevent it, but I personally do not see it being successful.
I am not going to say how long it will take or how dofficult easy it may be, as I have no idea. I am still working on my own issues. However, I feel stronger after it, ever time. It is not pleasant, but it gets a bit easier each time. Good steel cannot be formed without feeling the heat of the forge and force of the hammer. My best advice if you find yourself in that process is to just take it day by day. If you can, find someone to talk to about it, whether it be therapy or a friend/family member you can trust (obviously you don’t need to mention your practice). Like many things, it is a journey, not something that can be rushed.
And, try to find a way to make humor out of your situation. It will feel cheesy and fake at first but with practice, one can find laughter in unusual places. That can help relieve a lot of stress before it becomes devastating.