“you’ll be fine”
I moved to a new place, as the college hostel got closed. Was this one of Lucifer’s tricks to push me out of that place (on a much bigger scale than expected, forget simply removing me, he removed a whole structure of authority and company I’d much rather avoid as well, but I do miss talking the ear off of my friends late night) or just a change that was already well on it’s way to occur. New people, new part of the city.
I’ve been in a limbo since the day I came back. I suddenly miss the comfort of home, I miss the warmth of my dogs. I guess I miss the comfort of familiarity, as I realise that I really don’t like the effort of building familiarity with new people or places at the moment. But this new place, it’s bigger. It’s more open.
Most of the girls here are further along in their journey, some doing post graduate degrees, some are working. And when I’ve decided to expand in my career as well, I can’t think of a better setting than this that I could’ve gotten.
I had class today, and I pushed myself to go to the store to get some snacks to eat. I wasted time before I got to work instead. I went to the food court, then I went to a clothes shop. I didn’t really buy anything, but I was in an uncomfortable state of mind which really didn’t guide me regarding what it wants me to do. My body was pushing itself, wanting relief from pain which has also been a new constant. But my head, it wanted something. It has no name to it, no destination to it, but something.
I knew what was in for me this year the moment the clock striked 12 that night, on the 1st of January. I felt it in my bones, and I saw Lucifer with a smile on his face, and eyes promising me, my wishes will be fulfilled. Just let them unfold.
My lows are climbing up the hill, and I am patiently, partially desperately, waiting for myself to get past this and reach the top.
Till next time.