Suspended In Dusk: A Success Story and Daily Journal

Journals & Groups
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Hey everyone! Like a lot of you, I was a regular at the other forum, and have moved here to continue my progress with more like minded people.

My journal here will focus mostly on my mental and emotional states as I journey through the world of magick. As I learn more and continue to implement practices into my daily life, we will all see how it affects the way I view myself and the world around me, and how I deal with daily stressors. My goal is to achieve an unwavering inner strength that propels me into a life where I am acting in accordance to my True Self.

There will be lots of shadow work. I am planning on going through the Qliphoth at some point soon, and getting back into evocation. For now, I am looking inward, and working on changing some of my more mundane habits (getting back to the gym, eating healthier, waking up earlier, etc.) to put myself back into a good state of mind for magickal workings of a more intense nature.

I took a break for two years because I just… could not, for the life of me, feel a connection with my path or with the demons that I had worked with previously. Every time I attempted anything… tumbleweeds. I assumed I burned my bridges due to heavy drug usage and untreated mental illness while working in the occult, and decided to move on.

I believe the break was necessary. There was so much about myself that I needed to figure out, and I was beginning a new job and repairing relationships that my mental instability almost ruined.

I needed to forgive myself and accept who I was before I could continue my progress. I hadn’t burned any bridges at all – I was simply blocking myself due to guilt.

So, picture me, high on ambien and drunk off an entire bottle of red wine, evoking demons at three AM outside in a tent filled with rain water and mosquitoes, barely lucid enough to know what I was even doing, and sure as fuck not taking any notes either!

That was basically my entire experience as a beginner. It was a dark time.

Right now I am living in an apartment on the other side of the country with my now husband, with a job where I am guaranteed $20 an hour, and I have spent the day sipping green tea while carefully studying the rituals in Demons of Magick.

Every morning I complete the Sword Banishing, followed by the Master Protection ritual (of which I am on day 24 – almost done!), then followed by the Protection Against Accidents as I learn how to drive (of which I am on day 7 – four days left!).

I have been lifting weights and working on eating healthier. I have also been meditating in the gym sauna. Every day I face my fears.

So it’s safe to say that magick really does work. I believe that, despite my drunken and chaotic workings, something worked. It worked! I was so desperate to change, so desperate to be better…

I no longer grovel and I no longer beg. I just do the work and I see results.

Magick works!

Anyway, I’ll continue to post here :slight_smile:

Thanks to all of you who contributed in making this forum. It really is wonderful here.

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2

It finally seems as if this depression that I’ve been in since we moved has come to pass.

To summarize, I felt that getting married and being with my family that I’d missed and quitting a toxic job was giving me such a rush, that when I got here and there was no longer anything to look forward to and it was all over, I went into a slump.

I couldn’t get back into my old routine and my morning sleep inertia was almost debilitating.

When I first moved in, unpacking my books and looking through my altar items filled me with a sense of awe that I hadn’t felt in over two years.

I remembered that walking this path saved me from myself.

I was the perpetual victim. I refused to take responsibility for my mental state. I did not believe that I had the power to change.

It’s funny how suffering and magick is so deeply entwined for me… Over these last two years, I’ve been relatively stable and great at my job, but did I ever actually improve anything? Did I start any new projects, learn anything new, or face any of my fears? Perhaps I thought I was doing so well, because I was comfortable.

Well, I’ve been uncomfortable my entire life! This is what inspires the change within myself! Pain has always been the catalyst for great transformation and beautiful creation!

This pain is a result of looking deep within myself and working through my traumas and fears. Back when I was so comfortable and content with my life, I also refused to learn how to drive because I was too afraid. I couldn’t answer the phone, I was afraid of new social situations, and I avoided everything that made me see my own weakness.

I am making strides every day to look myself in the mirror and accept where my trauma has led me, and am taking the steps to push through it and destroy my fears.

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I hope everyone is having a good day.

I woke up a bit late because I closed last night at work. I need to be a bit kinder to myself, because if I go to bed at 3AM, it’s reasonable that I need to sleep til 11. I work in a restaurant, so I’ll never have a sleep schedule that makes sense. It’s not a moral failing as long as I get everything done.

Vaguely recall a dream where some unknown force was a threat to me, but I wasn’t scared, and simply began to do the Sword Banishing to rid my space of it.

It’s become so engrained into my morning routine that it has finally become a solution in the dream realm!

It’s a pretty big deal to me because I have a unique way of focusing and processing information, which makes it difficult for me to form new habits and do things consecutively. Since I began I have not missed a single day, and now it’s become a knee jerk reaction in my unconscious world as well… I’d say that’s a success!

At work there is someone that nobody likes to work with. She has an inflated sense of authority, micromanages everyone she works with (though she isn’t a manager – she is a “lead”) and pretends to work while letting everyone else follow through with their side work because, well, we just want to go home!

She isn’t the type of person who would be responsive to confrontation because shed simply disagree. She is friendly with the higher ups and they have a history of not doing anything about anyone’s complaints. It normally just creates more tension in the workplace and everyone starts doing things to spite one another.

She is really just the type of person who got granted the tiniest amount of power and let it get to her head.

So… Magickal route perhaps?

I’ve only recently begun getting into spells, so I’m not sure how I’d go about this. I was looking through the Demons of Magick book, but I’m not sure if I want to evoke a whole demon over this one girl.

Nothing baneful, necessarily. I don’t hate or dislike her, I just want to give her an attitude adjustment so that I can avoid conflict and do my job without being overworked and controlled.

Since I lack experience in this sort of thing, I’m having a hard time coming up with something, especially because she technically does have a small amount of authority over all the servers who aren’t leads.

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Actually… King Paimon, master manipulator.

I said I didn’t want to evoke a demon because I really prefer to feel out their energy and get to know them a bit before I start asking for favors.

But I already have a relationship with King Paimon.

I’ll talk to him on my day off. Today I’ll give him some wine.

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I am awake from getting little under seven hours of sleep. I kept waking up, feeling frustrated that I had no current fixation strong enough to fantasize about in order to pull me back to sleep.

Maladaptive daydreaming has been a self soothing mechanism I’ve used since I was a young child. I could close my eyes and no longer hear the screaming, the crying, shattering glass and banging on the wall. I was transported to my very own realm entirely of my own creation.

I suppose this is why I have such an amazing ability to visualize elaborately detailed scenes, and perhaps also why I was drawn to magick. It feels so good to paint pictures in my mind, because it feels so tangible and real, perhaps because it is real, and I can so easily touch it.

It’s another reason why one of my talents is getting into trance with ease.

Lately I have been working to focus more on my strengths, rather than what I feel I am lacking in, in regards to Magickal ability. It is through habit that my mind highlights all that it thinks is “wrong” with me, so it’s an everyday effort to correct my thoughts into more productive ones.

I can do the Sword Banishing, but maybe I don’t have time to do the rest of my rituals. I am already procrastinating getting ready for work.

I have been sleeping with a certain Demon’s sigil folded in my pillow case. I’ve had a few interesting dreams, and can sense their energy following me like a shadow, but that when I go to look, it is gone.

I like taking my time to ponder and understand the general feeling of a spirit. I can hear and sense very well, and have been learning to trust my intuition more. I usually sell myself short and chalk it up to a fantastic imagination, but that kind of thinking doesn’t serve me. I believe, and I can feel, hear, and almost taste.

It is in contrast to my beginning as a Magickan where I rushed into everything, desperate for contact, hoping for some incredible experience that would change me and make me better.

I know now that I can make myself better – and I have – and that these things we do are real, and there is no need to rush. Take it slow, make it last.

It is a good day. I see beauty in myself and the world around me. I have the power, the power of the magus, and I can project my will and protect myself, and it is all going according to plan.

Have a good day everyone.

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6

Today is my last day of performing Protection Against Accidents, and I’m on day 28 of the Master Protection ritual.

Ever since I woke up yesterday I have had the most blissful sense of oneness and an understanding of my place in the world. There are times in my life where I have felt this before – where it is as if everything that happens is all a message for me.

I feel like I can make people do exactly what I want with my gaze, and can almost read their thoughts. It’s an odd feeling of power, but it’s power through the knowledge that we are of the All, so being able to know others intimately is simply because in a way, they are me. The more I can control myself, the more I can project my will onto others and the world around me. It is all Me.

I believe that I crossed myself with negative self talk and drama with people back in Florida, which is why I started doing the Master Protection ritual. I needed a clean slate.

It seems like doing all this opened up old wounds and ways of thinking, which inevitably sent me into a depression, and my anxiety got worse. It seems that since I am nearing completion, it has all been lifted, and I successfully worked through some baggage that I have ignored for two years.

No more intrusive thoughts, no more fear of the dark, no more anxiety at work, and no more debilitating depression. I feel energized, inspired, beautiful, and powerful.

Harnessing the power of beauty and using it to manipulate is something I am embracing. It’s a gentle sort of manipulation – just a way of using a strong glance to gently nudge others in different directions that suit me better.

I think I have some lessons waiting for me with King Paimon in that regard, and the tension is building with the Demon who’s sigil is in my pillowcase.

Most people can be controlled with lust, and that’s a talent of mine. It’s gotten me into trouble before. Recently, someone’s fiance, who was convinced of an affair where there was none, because he was far too taken with me. I need to learn a way to use it without sending someone into obsession. In that case it was uncontrolled and accidental – I don’t mean to be so flirtatious, but it’s so much fun.

Today my plan is to study and meditate. I’m also going to do a cleanse of the house, and end it with a cleansing bath for myself.

I hope everyone here is doing well.

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Today I have decided to delay my responsibilities and lounge in bed.

I’m very tired and in some pain today, so I plan on reading, meditating, taking a bath, and maybe watching a movie.

I was thinking maybe something with Vincent Price (oh, he was so handsome…), or perhaps Interview with the Vampire, my all time favorite.

This weekend at the Halloween store, there is going to be a one year anniversary event. Witchy stuff, and a seance. Part of me wants to go, but most of me realizes that it will not be my type of crowd. Even if I were to find a Satanist, at the very least, in a sea of Wiccans, they always end up being the self righteous, atheistic, uber-political, Temple Of Satan types. Not my cup of tea.

We walk a lonely path.

For the most part, I require long periods of solitude. Friends can be suffocating – I prefer to speak to people online, where there is no pressure to hang out. I’m not much for hanging out. I like solitary activities.

There are a few people I’ve befriended in the past where we would be in the same room doing our own thing. That is my preferred method of hanging out. Or watching movies, relaxing… I don’t much like going out and dancing or going to parties.

My dream friend would be someone who comes over to lay in bed with me, watch horror movies, and take naps.

Lately I have had a longing for a close friend like this. It’s hard, though, because if I let someone become close to me, they will eventually find out what I practice, and normally people are not very cool about it.

Oh well. I walk a solitary path. I always have.

I must complete my rituals today. I’ve decided to start with Goetia Pathworking, because it seems like a stepping stone towards Demons of Magick, which is going to take a bit of time for me to memorize.

I need to buy a plant to keep in the porch where I can dump used offerings.

This is a chaotic journal entry. Lol.

I suppose I just feel so very lonely today, with a great sense of longing for something… I’m feeling a poetic melancholy.

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Yeah, most people who say they’re into the occult just do lip service and frilly type shit. I got banned from a damn witch group for making an edgy joke for Pete’s sake :face_with_raised_eyebrow::face_with_raised_eyebrow:

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That’s so ridiculous. It’s not even worth trying!

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I am in a cleansing bath filled with rose quartz and rose petal bath bombs, drinking a limoncello sparkling water and eating berries mixed with whipped cream… I am the epitome of self love and self worship

I am also the little lad who loves berries and cream

(Berries and cream, berries and cream)

Afterwards I’ll be building an altar for the Demon who’s sigil is in my pillow, the Demon who has been in my thoughts for an entire month…

It’s time! I wait for a moment of privacy, which is hard for me to come by these days.

My life is truly filled with magick and wonder. I am inspired to start writing again, as well. I used to write horror erotica, and I think it’s time to start getting back to who I was before life bent me over and had it’s way with me.

It is these moments that I live for, where life just feels… So beautiful. I’m burning some India Temple Incense and relaxing.

My reason for posting twice in one day is entirely due to the wine I drank today. I’m just feeling good and having a wonderful time.

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11

Another day, another Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual.

I’m about to head to the gym to do back and bi’s. Then gotta go to the store to pick up a few things, come home, get ready, and then go to work.

All I want to do is stay home and write. I watched the movie Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal and could relate a lot to her character, which was funny because we shared the same name.

Not sure how I feel about their dynamic because it seemed like a unhealthy approach to BDSM, but I still enjoyed it :slight_smile: I like how she began as a very shy and meek character and became empowered through the Dominant/Submissive lifestyle. It showed a sub who grew into her own confidence outside of the dynamic and I thought that was cool.

Had too much to drink last night, and one too many spoonfuls of Mac and cheese. I’m feeling it today. Lol.

Haven’t been using my tarot deck so I’ll get back on that tonight.

Hope everyone is doing well.

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There are times on this path where everything you are doing seems uncertain and messy. Then, there are times when it all comes together. Everything you have been striving for has come to fruition, and you realize, mid ritual, that it worked. You knew it would work, of course, which is why it did, but at the time you began, you were so… broken! You needed help, you needed it now.

I am on day 32 of the Master Protection ritual. I won’t even mention the Sword Banishing anymore, because it’s just a part of my morning routine at this point and won’t be going anywhere, so just assume that it is being done, just as you can assume that I’ve had my coffee this morning.

As I went through the phrases, “grant me the power to…”, I realized that a month ago, I was asking for something that I did not yet have. With tears in my eyes, I held my hand outstretched, I visualized myself with all the powers listed in the book, I saw myself as a different woman. I knew that I could attain these abilities. I knew that with enough effort, I could overcome this awful, suffocating anxiety. I focused, especially, on “let the force of my will overcome all terrors”.

Today I went through the phrases, and I again had tears in my eyes, but it was because I realized that I had attained everything listed in the book. I feel that I am a completely different person than I was last month. I feel so completely changed, so empowered and relaxed.

I held the book to my chest and I laughed in ecstasy. I thanked the genius spirits and rolled around on my bed for a few minutes.

It’s not to say that my anxiety is completely cured. I still have a lot of traumas to work through. It just isn’t holding me back from shining at work. I’m not coming home and crying anymore. I am being myself, making others laugh, and doing a great fucking job.

In the book it is listed as a way to remove curses and uncross oneself, but in my experience, it also doubled as a way to transform myself into the magickian that I ought to be if I am to remain on this path. I cannot be held back by fears and insecurities. I cannot protect myself if I allow fear to draw in that which would harm me in the first place, so in order to attain this protection, my fears had to be dissolved.

I also can’t remember the last time I felt fat or ugly. I have struggled with an eating disorder due to body dysmorphia for my entire life, and had an especially rough time when I was planning the wedding. It was hell.

Today I looked in the mirror and realized that I enjoy gazing upon myself, and will take the opportunity to marvel at my appearance every time I see my reflection, and I no longer beat myself up for having certain foods. I am obsessed with my feminine physique, whereas before, I wanted to de-sexualize myself by being gaunt. I wanted to disappear into myself.

Every day I find it easier and easier to wake up in the mornings, and feel that I have a purpose, a reason to get out of bed.

I’ve only been back into practice for… a little over a month, around the time I got some of these books in the mail and have been following through with everyday rituals, and I have already experienced some insane changes in my life.

Tomorrow is the last day of the Master Protection ritual, and it will feel weird not reciting all these phrases every single day, but i’m very excited to say that I have completed something, and there is so much more for me to do on this journey and I am just fucking elated right now and I am really looking forward to what the future holds for me as a magickian.

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Congratulations. That’s quite a transformation.

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Thank you, Norse :heart:

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It is very wonderful to see the changes you’ve worked hard for come to fruition, the greatest part is that this is just the tip of your iceberg :muscle::muscle:

What an awesome thing to hear! :face_holding_back_tears: I think that’s a massive accomplishment, to be able to see your trauma and recognize how it affects you without letting it overwhelm you is all you can really do. You’re doing great, trauma never goes away just like all other formative experiences, it will continue to influence us but as long as we recognize it we can choose when and where it does so.
You’re damn admirable for being able to do this​:muscle::muscle::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

I think that in general, any work done to heal or repair oneself is automatically going to make you a better and more capable spiritual individual. The energies we work with and the things we do require a very strong mind and a concrete belief system. So the fact that you feel that way makes alot of sense to me🤔

That’s really incredible! I can’t think of very many people I know who have conquered that insecurity including myself. The era we live in is so destructive and judgemental that it is incredibly difficult to separate from it. I hope to one day be in the same mindset regarding my self💪

I think it’s very important to recognize the power and beauty in allowing ourselves to flourish and take pleasure in just being who and what we are. So many people try and gain what others have and end up losing what little they had left and become empty. Others can shame themselves into destroying the very power and beauty they wish they had. I’m really happy to see you becoming such an amazing person :relieved:

I can’t wait to see you rule your existence with ease and grace​:muscle::muscle: you got this shit!

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Awwww thank you for such a thoughtful reply. You are a wonderful friend. :heart:

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I’ve been very inspired and writing poetry. I came up with an erotic horror idea for a series of short stories and I am extremely excited about it.

I haven’t written in years so I’m a little rusty, but with some practice, I’ll be back and better.

What I love about poetry is that you can express exactly how you feel and allow anyone to read it, and they don’t have to know exactly what you are talking about. They can feel what you feel through your words, but the literal meaning is so deeply personal and coded that you don’t need to reveal your secrets. Yet you still get it off your chest and tell others.

Anyway nothing else to report. Hope everyone is well.

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