I have, but haven’t uploaded them to my shop. This is one I use for pens/pencils
I wouldn’t do it for the ones with crystals though
These chameleon mica pigments also work great as eyeshadow brushed over a base layer of black shadow
I wouldn’t do it for the ones with crystals though
These chameleon mica pigments also work great as eyeshadow brushed over a base layer of black shadow
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I have a ritual I do for healing that I really never offer to anyone, and it would be a month before I could it , but I’ve seen you fighting so hard with this and I admire your strength and courage and will power to get better. If you want me to do it for you I will , if not no worries. But I can’t do it until around sept 18. It’s a timing thing.
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Thank you for your kind offer❤️ I would really appreciate that and please take your time if it’s 9/18 or another time, whenever works best for you. I feel a bit defeated but more so, hopeful and grateful for this community.
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I will do it for you. I’ll let you know when I am about to begin it. Probably about the 28th of Sept.
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Thank you again 
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Sending some positive vibes your way!
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9 days clean now. I basically slept for like 8 days straight. Now just need to stay clean. I didn’t realize how much my personality changes when actively using drugs.
Organic chemistry 2 starts tomorrow (Wednesday) night. I hated orgo 1, but orgo 2 looks worse. When I registered for fall classes in the beginning of July, the only section with available seats for orgo lab was 8:30 am on Saturday mornings on the main campus in the Bronx, which is a 2 hour commute from where I live. That means I need to leave home by 6:30 am, meaning I will not be sleeping Friday nights until mid-December. I hated orgo lab as is, but so early in the morning on a weekend 
Since I am ranting…There are 3 living things in NYC that are far too big and I wish were smaller: rats, roaches, and pigeons, but the pigeons aren’t so bad if you don’t have a balcony (I also call our fire escape a balcony) covered in their giant shit puddles. Our cockroaches are evolving too. They used to be kill-able, but the ones we have now are so fast that I’ll try to hit it with a shoe only for it to be up to 5 feet away by the time the shoe hits wherever it was. I saw one doing parkour in the bathroom- it jumped from the shelf above our toilet to the sink, sprinted across, then jumped to a pipe and slid down to the floor, all in a matter of seconds. We killed all the dumb slow ones and now we have these to deal with. They’re also resistant to Raid spray. If I were to make a baneful / parasitic servitor, I would model it after our roaches.
For the blue moon, I want to focus on two things-
- Healing
- Med school admissions - including MCAT studying and class grades
I might make some candles if time allows
I got this new mold and I kinda like it
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Awesome! Keep up the good work 
These are beautiful!
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I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by classes starting, but already the structure is helping me avoid cravings and stay on the sober path. Since my dad was visiting for a few days, we took a walk and talked about our family’s generational traumas. I learned a lot about my dad’s side of the family, and in the process, learned to understand myself better as well. My perfectionism, among other things, is very much rooted in cycles and patterns resulting from generations of trauma. I think that if I intend to break these cycles with my future kids, I should learn how to heal myself and also heal together with my family as a unit.
He never talked much about his family or early life and I understand it was just too painful to. Mental healthcare in China is not like it is here and there’s a lot of undiagnosed untreated mental illnesses since basic survival took a higher priority. My dad finally told me about his past, an incredible story of hardship and survival, which makes his successful work life all that more impressive and inspiring. My grandparents are all dead now, so all we can do to keep their memories alive now is through telling their stories. My parents came from a whole different world.
Though long, my dad’s story is very inspiring and here it is, as he told it to me, paraphrased:
My dad was one of 13 children, out of which only 7 survived. The rest died from lack of access to medical care or starvation. Both him, my mom, and their families survived war, poverty, and famine.
My dad’s side of the family was always very poor in a small village in the countryside. I have early memories of this village when we visited our grandparents, but by the time I was born, it had come a long way from what my dad was used to as a child.
My grandparents were born into poverty, supported mostly by my great grandmother who was a shaman in her village. She was paid by food and money in exchange for divination and healing. My grandmother started selling fruit at age 7, and educated herself by standing outside a classroom window and listening. She was very intelligent but later experienced a lot of trauma and developed mental illness. I only knew my grandparents as kind, loving and caring, my grandfather a huge fan of playing Nintendo video games with my brother, and never would have guessed that they had suffered so much. I knew they suffered a lot more than I can imagine due to poverty and the cultural revolution, but I never knew the details and it’s even worse than I thought.
My grandmother was abused by her mother in law, my grandfather’s mother, which was common in China at the time (the abusive mother in law part, according to my dad). When my grandfather, her husband, was drafted by the army to fight against the communist army, she didn’t get to say goodbye to him because she was getting beaten by the mother in law. He had a 10% chance of survival (my dad said that at the time, out of 20 men picked to fight from his area, usually only 2 came home). This caused her a lot of distress, which became a deep depression- this would affect her for the rest of her life.
My grandfather was shot in the leg and wounded by a nearby explosion. Communist soldiers saw him on the ground covered in blood and almost killed him, but saw how injured he was, and instead robbed him and left him for dead. They assumed he was going to die anyway, but he didn’t. At one point , he had a dream about an old man with long facial hair and a douli (that wide brimmed cone-shaped hat that is widely seen in western caricatures of Chinese) who told him to get up and helped him find enough strength to get to the nearest village. When he arrived there, without shoes, warm clothes, or money, he begged until he earned enough money to return home. By the time he returned, my grandmother had developed mental health problems. He was appointed to be the person who distributed food rations throughout his village, but he wasn’t one to take extra to help his own struggling family members and his own uncle starved to death. Then, he and my grandmother lost half their children, which made my grandmother’s mental illness worse. She started to cycle through episodes of depression, aggression and mild psychosis.
My father and his surviving siblings took care of each other- his sister/my aunt was not much older than him but carried him on her back to school every day (not sure what the reason was for carrying him on her back), which permanently deformed her spine.
When he got older, he would take his younger brother into the city to sell corn, barely earning anything. If they only had food for one, he let his brother eat it. Chinese culture is to obey and respect your elders, but also that the older take care of the younger.
He was one of the few children from his village who could go to school and he later became top of his district, while my mom was also top of her district, and they met at their undergraduate university. They both earned full ride scholarships overseas (they were 2 out of 5 students who were given that same opportunity) to study in Massachusetts. He and my mom worked long hours and studied very hard. He earned a phd and my mom earned two masters degrees. They both worked hard to give me and my brother everything they didn’t have.
End of story
I understand my parents and myself more than I did before, but have room to improve/learn more. They and their parents and grandparents were very focused on surviving and making a better future for themselves and showing affection wasn’t really prioritized.
I used to rebel a lot in my adolescence and a lot of our conflicts were based on not only a generation gap, but a cultural gap too. The things i was struggling with were topics I would never discuss with them because I didn’t believe they would understand and I thought I would just make everything worse. They were also not used to talking through struggles because when they were young, they and their parents didn’t have the luxury to. All that mattered was getting enough food to survive. Strangely, I have always had a problematic relationship with food starting from when I was a toddler up until now. Chinese culture is also generally tight lipped or dismissive about mental health, so I never got the help I needed when I needed it, and neither did they. My parents always had high expectations for me, just like their parents did for them. I can also be very unforgiving towards myself with a perfectionist attitude towards everything, even though the stakes aren’t that high for me compared with my parents and prior generations. I still deprioritize my health and other important issues to maintain perfect grades. I never did that well in undergrad or high school because I was rarely sober). I also know on some level that I’m being ridiculous about grades and I won’t necessarily fall to rock bottom if I get a B+.
I want to end the cycles of pain/trauma in my family by healing individually and as a family before I think about having children of my own. Although traumas themselves can’t be avoided, we can still change how we deal with them. I think about my parents’ early lives and attitudes about education (basically, to get the highest grades possible in order to have a chance of escaping their poverty, and failure or doing poorly wasn’t an option), and how similar we are. Maybe my ancestors are also why I don’t die easy.
I want to contact my great grandmother, the shaman, but don’t know much about her other than her reputation as a shaman. My dad didn’t mention her name, but if he remembers it, then maybe I can use the spelling in Chinese characters as a sigil.
I also want to contact and learn more about the spirit that helped my grandpa survive. I don’t know if this is the same spirit my grandfather dreamed about when he was left for dead, but I also have a protective spirit guide who shows up as an old Chinese man with long facial hair and a douli (the cone shaped hat). One other person has seen this spirit and thought it was a relative of mine. He mostly hangs out in my ritual area and protects it and me. I want to also find out if he was ever human, and if so, if he is a blood relative.
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There’s so much about this that is meaningful, I’m not sure what to say, except thank you for sharing this 
I hope you find out who that spirit was!
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Thanks! Me too . When I know more, I’ll probably write about it
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I would like to burn some spirit money for you and your family, with incense and calling out. Will you accept it?
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Thank you, I would love that.
I appreciate your kindness
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Awesome idea! 
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My family and I are healing pretty fast now and can communicate in a way we haven’t been able to in decades because of misunderstanding, generational/cultural barriers, traumas, and stubbornness. The tone of our family chat has changed drastically and we are able to speak more openly now. Thanks again to @norse900 and Hu Xian for helping
I have also lost 18 out of 30 pounds I set out to lose starting a couple months ago, which is a total of 28 lbs from my highest weight around last year. I may just stop after 7 more lbs (for a total of 35 lbs lost from my highest weight last year) instead of 12 because losing 12 more (total of 40 lbs) would bring me very close to the threshold between healthy weight and underweight and I need my energy to fuel my brain. Thanks to the muscle/weight testing group chat and hail Baba Yaga for the development on this aspect.
I have been saving the fetal pig because the summer was a bit rough and/or couldn’t find a right time to. Also settled on a target since he’s basically asking for it. I didnt want the pig to go to waste because it was a little expensive and took forever to arrive. My target will be the “Quimbanda teacher”/scammer who tried to hex me again recently (seriously?? It’s been a year already…What a petty little bitch), so looks like he needs to be knocked down at least a few more notches / destroyed. I must’ve struck too close to home for him and hit a nerve, which reinforces / validates everything I suspected and said about him. The next new moon will probably work best schedule wise for me. It’ll also be helpful as a refresher on anatomy as I prep for the MCAT.
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I don’t want to take the MCAT. I can’t stay focused to the end of a 3 hour class, let alone 7.5 hours of big scary test in a room with a bunch of people who will mostly be younger than me. That makes me feel self conscious and more anxious. Why are so many premed people so above going to mcat-free medical school in the Caribbean? Who cares? I know someone from undergrad who went that path- she seems happy, lives a good balanced life, and works in a hospital as a doctor. Why is that so bad? I remember someone in my class asked another classmate if she would consider going to medical school in the Caribbean and she was so disgusted with the idea . Who the f**k cares 
I don’t know anymore . I shall consult the cards on this decision- which path to take - become a doctor (medical school, or Caribbean medical school) or a veterinarian.
Today, also, I read about how in Japan they used AI to understand chickens based on their clucking- whether they were hungry, distressed, content, etc… working with a team of vets and I thought, I want to do that. Veterinary school may be a better option. It is draining to put so much energy into getting some good grades and it would be nice to invest that time and energy into other things like finding a job to earn money, later-ish starting a family, gardening, making art , cursing that little twat scammer who tried to curse me recently, deepening spiritual practice (e.g. reading and working through a book, longer daily practice), healing, stuff I’d put off for later and later I miss making art - it always brought me a long trancelike state and I could paint for hours and lose track of time
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There is always mexico also. When I left the service I came to Mexico to study medicine, my plan was to take the USMLE’s after but I met my wife and stayed here. I’m currently practicing medicine here. Don’t limit your options, the school I went to is pretty good and there more options here depending on your budget.
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