Just a black Kaleidoscope… 🦇

Journals & Groups
1

Hey ON,

So its been a long story.

I was attacked (July 2021) by Beelzebub *by a mage that sent him after me and I didn‘t close the deal really well last year.

I have been under on-off attack by other karmic acquaintances that are mages and witches,
and I believe I was busy in my past lives making many enemies but had just as many lovers, to be fair here.

Beelzebub showed up few days ago and said things of the nature, that he COULD intercede for me in terms of the mage and reverse the damage or… WELL, he could kill me too.
The next day I suffered horrible stomach ache.

My dear friend Norse invervened. Things got heated but they agreed on me and Beelzebub talking before he dishes out more of his „gifts“.
It seems like it could be a past life pact, with Beelzebub becoming very pushy.
Same day later Beelzebub agreed to help the stomach pain and it GOT better which proved to me his involvement in my misery in the first place and actually got me closer to solving the riddle.

Interestingly 3 days ago I was in Lilith ritual space and was told to take a selfie by … something.
It was not Lilith.
On the picture my head looks like a skull… very much Vodemort.
I was worried.
„I am one with death essence, and its my water, and my wound. I will infect you, I will cleanse you“.
I thought it was an ancestor and also the words came off a little bit diplaced.
Beelzebub? Are we playing hide and seek?

~~
Yesterday after being literally so sick of it I called on him and played some death metal laying on my bed. No offerings, beside the music.

I called him and asked questions about our agreement and so on.

I was greeted with a dark yet colorful kaleidoscope of what seems to be flashbacks, smells, sounds, confusing words. It turned black in the end.

„I have been with you for a long time but you didnt pay attention,
I did everything to get it (attention) And its what I want. I want you to PAY attention. And I am not very content.“.

His last remark was that I am „lovesick“, said with a sly smile. But the main point was that healing and destroying are two sides of the same coin. Nothing new here. Disappointed. There is no reason to be scared. I told him, I have learned that Lesson by now. „Good.“ he said. Dry.

I did have enemies. Mage was one in our past life also having his pact with Beelzebub.
One part of the shared deal was to do something in this life which we will never fullfill, because we have beef. That will not change.
The topic is intersecting with another thing which is my long illness too. Another health issue.

Just as I am typing this a tiny fly flew into my face.

This evening I heard his voice mocking me. That was enough of an impulse to make me start this journal. The interactions feel ambivalent at best.

The song he chose:

„We’re dying
For our souls to learn
We’re dying
For our souls to burn

We’re dying
For our souls to learn
We’re dying“

Death threats or Lectures. I need to pay attention.
But now I am getting closer to understanding what he means.
I will get the obsidian (he asked for obsidian).
But he has to keep his word too.

I will not drag this into my next life.

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2

I wondered. We can carry on in PM.

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That’s right. Take this life and make it what you want it to be, and not what life destined it to be.

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Yes right…

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Second entry

17/08/22

My Work with Lilith continues.
Nonetheless.
Daily chants. I am asking her for protection and restoring my chakras. She did that to a great deal to my throat chakra. I offered it to her on the altar. Painted it and handed it to her. Now I can vibrate the chants better.
Also I usually just sit my ass down and listen what she has to say. Not asking for anything.
Sometimes those exact sacrifices we give them become our gifts in return so we can again sacrifice more of it later … and in return well… a positive upwards spiral.

Another thing Lilith and I work on is to soothe my (tsunami) emotions and the upheaval that comes with serious revelations that I HAVE to receive if I want to evolve. It translates to Shadow work. Her Domain.

Now. This is interesting;

Each day my astral hearing gets significantly better.

It was a weak spot. I have to thank Naamah for pressing the right spots on my (astral) body.
The beautiful motherly Lady told me she will charge a servitor soon to help everybody with this particular issue.
„When its time.“.

Turns out a part of my old deal with Beelzebub might involve a great deal of Death magick.
After his… entrance I should not be surprised.
I didn’t know what kind of power he holds in that field of magick. Anyway… that‘s what I picked up on.
Now I have to do the homework and research.

Not in the mood for the dead, but what can I say.
It‘s just business… (or would be). We‘ll talk more.

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21/8/2022

Just set up my offering for Beelzebub.
Blood, Incense, a black candle, and black coffee,
Called him and it was a rough conversation again.

To him, my way to health is through decay and death (of my old self), so it was all „necessary“ at least that were his words.
He usually appears in a black long robe with grey skin and those piercing black insect eyes while speaking in a quiet and cold arrogant voice.
Also very skinny. He is associated with Gluttony. Interesting…

More was said but its definitely too personal to write about here. We literally spoke about every aspect of my life and some past life topics regarding to health and what he could want as offerings to help.
He of course made himself known through music again. A title that had something with a „plague“ in it. There is a pattern.
My head feels a little lighter maybe he is one of the faster spirits (or its the coffee?)… at least it seems so to me. Very airy. I‘m really tired tonight.

We agreed on me reading of Christian Day’s Witches Book of the Dead. So I might write more about my experiences with it as soon as I start.

Interestingly he told me to BE Obsidian not just buy it and put it somewhere. Since I work a lot with vampirism it would not be the worst idea.

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On a different note… but still speaking of necromancy related spirits I projected to Baba yaga (her forest).

When I saw her in front of her chicken leg house inspecting me, it felt like being dragged a few meters (my astral body). That‘s how strong and repulsive the energy was.
I turned around and saw she has an „army“.
Or at least some male warriors standing there in the shadows. It was opposite to the lonely Image I had of her. But it’s okay, who knows, maybe they‘d cooperate? I didn’t talk to them. And I didn’t talk to her. It was like a smooth nightmare.

(Repulsive - I actually meant strong - imagine standing in a storm and you feel your body being pushed - beside - you are actually not really there in body - but feel it in spirit. Weird… but I guess people who project get what I mean.)

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23/08/2022

Also I should maybe clarify that this Journal is about really anything.
I will probably dive more into the death current but at the same time work on other things, and just ramble.

Today I have set up a small Altar for Samael. It‘s a „unique“ framed print of an angel (face) I bought in an antique store. It felt kind of infernal.
I stood in front of it saying „Hi nice to meet you, are you Samael or Lucifer?“. Probably both-
Lucifer and Satan are said to be different aspects of Samael.
In this case the black sclera and overall darkness …describe …Lilith‘s Husband. Its the place next to Lilith‘s. It makes sense too. I chanted, and offered him candles. He felt very beautiful and athletically strong.
I have had interesting experiences with him last year, so the whole thing felt overdue but he said that time means „nothing“ to him.
Even if the artist didn’t intend Samael, it’s all about the flavor of energy…? Also it‘s an offering. And he accepted. We agreed on working on male aspects of my personality… in terms of multiplicity(not duality).

But…Talking about time, it reminded me of Naamah last year.
I evoked her and she has teached me about time for a few days (she can do that. If somebody wants time to work in their favor ask her, she can do it. She did it. I don’t know if this is much known about her).

Funnily, not long ago, I had a pleasant moment feeling my old friend Asmodeus around.
He was the first demon I ever evoked as an absolute dabbler. It messed me up back then (a lot) but nonetheless he shows up and he does help - he is very loyal and prideful. I think he wants to help with an ongoing revenge curse I work on that is …torturing my abuser.
Lilith is always up for it. Asmodeus seems to be too.
Doesn’t hurt to have a demonic King specialized in Revenge to add extra strength. I mean it WILL hurt…my target.
As it should. And already has. I saw pictures of him and he looks some sort of Lilith-type-of-drained…nice.

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Tonight he picked a better song… :fly:

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26/08/2022

Haven’t worked on rituals or spiritual development techniques too much these days beside cleansings but was asked of Beelzebub to study some history to get a closer perspective on some of my past lives and my ancestors.

It‘s clear to me now that the whole thing is rather… complicated.

There were particular things I had to look up.
He said I will get flashbacks on that path… and clarification.
It’s an offering aswell so to say part of the deal.

That will keep me busy the next time and of course the dead will probably too (along the way). I’ll need courage.

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30/8/2022

I always liked his mind… have to read the red book once. Magic as a way of living. It’s something worth thriving for.
As above, so below…

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11/09/2022

I think Lilith changed my energybody or aura.
Since working with her, I feel it.
I am not actively working on my skills but I should.

I met a person that would normally drain me but I felt wider/expanded; in aura terms, sitting next to them I would touch their forehead at some point to test what would happen and I felt like burning up.

Jesus, I don’t know what‘s going on. All that under a full moon in Pisces.
And… after 3 mental breakdowns in the beginning of the week flavored with Insomnia (I have ptsd).

Starved I came to meet my acquaintance.

As if my energy body was just drawing in, blackish, firey - yet calm.
Its not that it pleases me. It’s not a real sensation anymore. It used to, I guess. But not anymore.
I could see a genuine surprise on their face.

They would yawn at some point and look visibly tired while I felt better and better…I felt them trying to pierce my aura but they just could not fucking do it.
They were trying hard and kept „shrinking“. Hence the „fact“, that our energy fields change, based on the entities that surround us or work with us because we carry their signature into this world.

The other day I did a blindfolded technique on myself.
I left the house and while on the way to my destination I avoided all eyecontact with people.
I felt more. I focused on seeing with my other senses. I knew where to avoid people without looking at them. I knew where they were walking without seeing them.
A world just in terms of energy. I could feed better.
Read fields better. And was less distracted. It was very interesting. I didnt interact while disappearing INTO my surroundings. Blackholing myself.
I also wrote down my impressions in my notes app.
Yes, makes sense.

It really adds to my theory that I should „socialize“ more.
I usually feed from ambiance energy or when people (try to) vamp me.

And I vamp back.

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14/09/2022

Had a visit from Leviathan. I didnt call him or anything. Maybe this forum served as a portal of some sort, since a few of you are regularly working with him. I am not sure how that would work… but…

It was interesting.

I almost got sucked into an incredibly dark place or an extreme panic attack but I didnt end up there.
Its just the mind after all.
I have been dealing with ptsd for most of my Life and it has been bad in the last months.
After his visit I ended up somewhere else mentally, and feeling a lot less anxious. Hail leviathan….
How? I don’t know.

I am a bit autistic when it comes to describing whats going on inside of me when I encounter an entity of THAT intensity. But its a lot. I wasn’t ready, if I am honest.

He came with this song („randomly“). I just knew it was him. Heard it the first time…so cold yet pridefully…melancholic.
It sounds as if something has gone terribly wrong too…
and it probably has. But it‘s not on me to change anything. I can’t… anyway. What’s done is done.

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I think I concluded this may happen to some because there is a lot of spiritual interest in having a place where all spirits and people who can play with the rules are allowed.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but other places people still have a religious mentality in some ways, or an otherwise you can’t work with them unless you have the heritage or whatever.

We’ve seen in the past where spirits do reach out to people who don’t necessarily have the right heritage or who aren’t aware of it, so I think it’s possible we will see more of this type of thing here, than was mentioned other places, because it was kinda still frowned upon despite it not being really accurate.

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When having a platform like this there is always a collective unconscious at work.
Also almost everybody has their psychic senses ON here.
So given the entities we invite or that find us they might aswell travel through the channels. Its all connected after all.

It could even lead to technomancy or non-coven coven. There could be ways to work with a platform and use the collective energies.
Given people are sane and relatively normal which unfortunately is not always the case…anyway.

We let is run its course, we have Leviathan, and the primordial internet… :joy:

Responsible people creating something badass for themselves and those we deem able to responsibly handle it. There is power in this.
That’s why we left the old place, because we all recognized it and will evolve from here on.

*not really suggesting anything, just thoughts

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14/09/2022

Update:
I woke up with clogged ears. I usually have this after swimming / diving.
I have also spent an awfully long time frame in a hypnagogic state between sleep and waking up.

The feeling when you dive and let yourself rise to surface. But… that was slow motion even for being under water.
And in those moments I was energetically fighting something or rather discuss without words.
As if somebody was throwing themselves onto me, to make me do something I would refuse.
And it doesn’t translate to anything concrete.

And the more conscious I became, the more I suffered and the more unreal it felt. Reality.
Suffering. As if it was not where I or we as humans belong. I chose something else then.
Its just the mind after all. The mind is not you.
I think he also leads towards a more zencore state.
Its like you are taking in the chaos to align with an (unknown) order.
The way a black hole also has it‘s own geometry that’s never the same.

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Hit the bat phone if ypu need it.

Given the private convo the other night, I’m not surprised Leviathan came.

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I‘m okay, my mental health gets better everyday.:skull::skull_and_crossbones: I claim it :heart_eyes_cat:

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2/11/2022

Tonight I had an „auditory hallucination“ that was absolutely …clear. I know I am working on astral hearing and all. The sounds came from my ritual space. While the candle was lit and the spirit was sent forth… and „payed“ and thanked.
That sound was similar to 1:14 in that clip. But two long screeches. With a pause.
Sounded like something dying.or… hard to describe what I felt that was going on. 10/10 eerie.

I did a cleanse, so if something had to die, it did die lol…

I mean… I know why I kept my astral ears closed for a long time :flushed:. What comes through comes through - I wont get mad or react to it. Curiosity beats fear.

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