[JOURNAL] Two idiots, a loop, and a dream

“It’s the journey that matters, soak it in. Learn lessons out of it. Impact positively so that if you never get to your destination, at least you’d leave a legacy to be remembered.”— Emem Uko

The smell of dust, old books, and salt water bellows in-between the stacks of that lonesome library. On the shelves are large, leather-bound books, though there isn’t a popular name or title among them, and upon inspection, there seems to be few words at all on their covers and spines.

“Each book is a story,” An unfamiliar voice echoes through the chamber. “It can be just an idea, a lesson, or an experience. All important. All interconnected.”

At the end of the long passageway created in the negative space of the stacks, perched on a wooden chair that looks out a cathedral-styled window. A woman in purple robes taps a pen against her bottom lip.

“The Mysterium is a puzzle to be solved.”

For those that don’t know me, I am Saga, the self-proclaimed oracle of the astral construct, The Mysterium (essentially what I’m labeling my “astral temple” for lack of a better term). Within this journal you will find a sneak peak of some of the projects I’m working on (research into concepts, etc.), lessons I’ve learned, and personal anecdotes of the mundane and esoteric variety.

As I mentioned in my introduction, I belong to no specific structure of thinking and have an interest in a variety of concepts and practices. I especially enjoying understanding the stories behind different mythos and comparing practices. At the end of this journey, through ascension, I hope to reach my ultimate goal of understanding the true narrative of the universe and those that we cannot see with our physical eyes.

Before I get started into the current day things, I’ll share background information around my journey into the occult and the dream timeline, so those who read this journal aren’t lost with some of my later posts.


In this journal, you’ll find:

  • Summaries of my Magnum Opus: “The Dream Timeline” and its subsequent fiction novel “The Infernal Apocrypha” (title to be finalized)
  • Personal experiences with spirits
  • A narrative of my relationship with a spiritual entity referred to as “Mysterious”
  • Life lessons that I’ve learned that sharpened my craft or contributed to my overall growth

A Lesson in Humility

TAGS: Life Lessons, Higher Education, Personal Opinion

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates

A Rant about Higher Education

I was enticed by their beautiful buildings and promise of a wealth of knowledge that I could sip from at my leisure. As always, once I found myself in the embrace of their brick buildings and under their cautious thumbs, I discovered that I was deceived.

Mysterious told me, amid my internal turmoil about the true desire to further my education, that I—once again—had unrealistic expectations. I challenged his statement as we sat in the admissions building that hot afternoon, feet heavy from the long journey that brought me here from the last week. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations, but if my expectations are unreasonable, then I fear the direction that we are heading in academia. The only expectation I had was, though likely unrealistic, that I would join an institution of higher learning and join great thinkers. I did not find that in college.

“I’m just saying that you keep expecting people to be you, when they clearly are not.”

It proved my point, really. The point that seemed demonstrated was one which led me to believe I made the wrong decision in coming here. The week before, in the middle of a class that would be the foundations for my major, my professor told me: “We try not to see the difference between experience and ‘book smarts.’ If you make the distinction, you are then creating a hierarchy of intelligence, which we don’t want.”

For context, I challenged my professor—maybe not a smart move. It boggled my mind at the time that we muddied the waters between wisdom and intelligence. We were reading The Journey of the Magi by T.S. Elliot, one which elevated my understanding (through reading) of the experience and joy of struggling the tough journeys of life alone, like my piece The Hermit and the Stag. The professor argued that though the entire journey was the catalyst for this new appreciation in life, the magi were not considered wise men because of their experience but based alone on their intelligence. Maybe I care too much about stupid things, but the argument baffled me.

The debate continued down the lines of the difference between experiential and traditional learning. My argument was that I could read about the experience of a marginalized group, maybe even consider myself an expert in the space based on my studies, but I couldn’t truly comprehend their struggles and experiences because I didn’t live their experiences. That led to the claim by the professor above, and I found myself dumbfounded in the front row of the class, being told I’m wrong in my thinking.

It’s the second time that this has happened since I’ve been in the institution, and I sometimes wonder if it’s just me that’s the problem.

I don’t mind being wrong. I’m wrong all the time, but if you’re going to claim that I’m wrong—have some damn good evidence to support your stance. As someone who has had 12 years of real-world experience in “the real world” (as I’ll call it), there hasn’t been a single situation where someone has chosen an individual over me because they have a degree instead of my breadth of experience. Ever.

As a hiring manager, I’ve hired individuals who look great on paper, some even decorated as academic scholars, but when I throw them in the real world to utilize that “intelligence” they have, they don’t perform as well as my employees that have more experience. Yet, my professor argues now that they are the same.

The people in my above example are not the same.

Of course, this is my own personal belief, and I don’t believe in generalizing. There are, I’m sure, some individuals who are great without experience and perform just as well, but I know that the “real world” does a lot of generalizing. If you know that and use it to your advantage, you can be successful. It’s how I was successful.

Does that make it right? No.

Is that reality? That’s been my experience.

Of course, this is limited to my own neck of the woods, in spaces that I’ve occupied. Obviously, this isn’t the same for professions like medical industries or for “realities” outside of the States, as I can’t speak to those. I can only speak for what I know, which is that this “pipe-dream” you’re selling to youths in my neck of the woods isn’t reality, and if that is one of the core beliefs of the institution, we are not culturally compatible.

I tried to think about why this was the case, and my mother made a wonderful point: “They are in the business of making money off of kids that think they have to get a college degree, what you suggest challenges that.”

It was then that I thought about Socrates and his quest to find someone wiser than himself and prove the oracle wrong. Did he feel that same emotion when he found that these ‘wise men’ weren’t wise at all? Did Socrates anguish at the possibility the oracle might be right? Sure, his quest gave him meaning, but what was the cost? Maybe this feeling is what many others experience when joking about how they’ve lost their faith in humanity.

Maybe it’s arrogance to make the comparison of my experience to that of Socrates, but I’ve met many amazing individuals outside of academia that taught me more than any institution could have, and it is through that which I have found myself experiencing this solemn disappointment. I expected from beginning to end this to be an experience of learning for its own sake, improving myself as an individual and “joining the great thinkers.”

What a joke.

Now that I’ve stepped out of academia and returned, disappointed, to “the status quo,” I hope to work more on my content here and in the future.



TAGS: Reflection

I told myself that his face would haunt me for the rest of my life.

There are few faces or moments that are burned into my memory.

  • The first is the feeling of the cold floor when I attempted to take my life in 2006.
  • The second is the moment of hysteria after a near-fatal car crash I was a passenger in back in 2011.
  • The third was when they shown Mal to me at the family viewing in 2013.
  • The fourth was my husband’s father lying dead in the emergency room last week.

I was rarely disturbed by death, but there is something unnerving about someone dying with their eyes open, mouth agape from the intubation tube. They didn’t even clean him up before we saw him, and even after the funeral that image surfaces in my mind when I’m not careful.

It’s not how I’d like to remember B.

I often find myself sitting back looking at my life, then am in awe of how many experiences I’ve had, survived, and grew from. There are many people out there that I’m sure say the same, humbled by the experience of living.

Standing in the vacant house on Saturday afternoon, a song from long ago came to mind.


My condolences :bouquet:


I’m sorry for your loss.


Thank you both.

I remain positive that, because he was very, very sick for a long time and truly wanted to move onto the next life, he’s doing much better than he was when he was among us.


I am working on my next mystic/philosophy piece for the forum, and this came up in my journal’s login screen today:

“While we are living, our lives are like that of an open book, still being written. Eventually, our book closes for us, and to others, it will be as if we never existed at all. Those of us who write down our life story, will leave a little piece of us behind when we’re gone.”

— Nina Jean Slack

Sometimes I worry that I’m falling into the “social media pitfall” when sharing my personal experiences and just telling myself it’s for posterity and the reference of someone who–maybe someday–can use my work to solve their own mysteries.

I take the quote as a nudge from the universe on this very terrible day to tell me: “Just keep going.


Life is a draft, never a finished book, according Sabato’s “El Túnel”. And they linger after we’re gone. A man’s deed won’t be erased, nor from the world nor from memory, on the day of this death. And if you’re super awesome like Plato, people will still argue about you thousands of year after you’re gone.


Imagine being famous for Socrates fanfiction.


Imaging being Socrates, refusing to write (except one poem to Apollo) and then getting your buddy/student/lover to write about you, forcing the world to know your name!



Then being so mad that the Athenians are jerks and coming to conclusion that suicide is the only answer.

…… that last part feels too familiar to 2021 saga right there.


Pandora’s Box

“Knowing the truth is a double-edged sword, Alex. The closer you get to your answers, the less you’ll really know. I can give you a taste of who I really am, but it will never be enough. You’ll always want more. They always do.”

He never told me about the part where I’d get close to the answer, become extremely uncomfortable, and then have to step away from the research.

Mysterious’s words echoed through my mind as I stared at the timeline. I expected the abyss to be a black hole of living darkness, devouring everything in its grasp. Instead, it is a collection of dreams that tear at every part of my life. I made reference to the event horizon in previous journal entries, suggesting to myself that I did cross that threshold. I foolishly never understood the reality of what that meant. You can’t unsee things, as those cringe internet meme comment sections tell us online.

I expected that “the moment” would be some serendipitous realization, when everything comes together and makes sense and I’m given some divine secret. Despite what I tell myself, sometimes my brain slips and forgets this isn’t a movie. That moment wasn’t monumental, nor was it magical. The event horizon was pulling on a thread and realizing that all of those different colors of string were all tied together, and in that single moment realizing that in chasing hidden truths “for funzies” you reach the uncomfortable moment when you see all sorts of things are interconnected.

Symbols. Stories. Experiences.

It’s never the person or the experience in a vacuum. It’s the meaning of the thing, just like in magic–it’s the intention that is the magic. Not the tools. Not the stories. Not the symbols. It’s the meaning.

My brain immediately went to “it’s the implication” and now I can’t unhear that in my monologue. Can’t take myself too seriously around here.

On a positive, I am closing in on the answers, with great clarity coming to the story that was hidden deep within the dreams. This feeling is similar to one I had as a child, when I stood off the back patio of my grandparents’ home and looked up at the stars. I felt so small, aware of how minute I was in the grand scheme of the universe. It’s kinda strange to feel that way in your immediate, personal story, but I am reminded of a line I read in the Lucifer comic when I was going through a phase two or three years ago:

“Actually, what I wanted to do was explain. It must have seemed CRAZY to you, everything I did. But when you hear the whole story… it all makes sense. sort of. Not that it’s my story, you understand. I mean, I’m in it, but I know damn well that none of this was about me. It’s more like I got to close to his story, and then I couldn’t get out of the gravity well.”

Sounded way less crazy in my head as I wrapped my mind around the latest story arc in the timeline, but man–just had to shout that out into the void (and let you guys know I’m not dead–yet.)


The Mythical, Phantasmal, and Allegorical

If I had to speak on the number of hours I’ve spent working on my craft, my novel, my dream timeline, and my research, I think an entire life would summarize it. We are, yet again, at the top of the mountain looking down, wondering how we got here.

It pleases me to note that I am at the point of the dream timeline where all of the disparate systems of categorization and logging have narrowed down to two. I thought I completed this exercise once before, but it’s worth mentioning that the exercise I did complete was half-assed and literally had to be completely redone.

For anyone interested in what I’ve been up to all hours of my life up until this point (between my on-and-off divorce, chaotic work life, and solving many problems for myself and others):

The Dream Timeline

"You will toil. Our ancestors toiled. It is our shared story."

Summary title from a post by u/MysticalMagicorn on Reddit.

I started this version of the dream timeline, which I will call version 1.0 for lack of a better understanding of just HOW MANY VERSIONS we’ve gone through at this point, in 2009. I’ve been collecting the dreams for years, but never understood major timeline events until that point in the collection.

Knew they were connected, but all I had was puzzle pieces. Around 2009 I started to get some corners and edges, but they were sporadic until recent years. Once the larger segments came through and contextual evidence was provided to previously misunderstood segments, I realized I had–for the most part–all the edges I needed to start putting together the full picture.

As of February 23, 2023, I am almost there, and the prospect is terrifying.

I have worked for what feels like most of my life to get to this point, and I’ve changed substantially as a result of my esoteric works and the timeline. This is what we’ve all been waiting for: Mysterious, myself, family members, friends… This finish line has been a long awaited one, and I’m excited, but scared.

My original, unspoken fears were that I’d get to the end of the story and Mysterious was the villain the whole time and he’s been playing the long con. I still find myself wondering sometimes if it could be said that what Baal said is true, but I understand that the waters are murky for reasons I don’t entirely understand yet.

I was never good at politics.

My new fear is this: what will happen when I have this answer I’ve been fixated on for decades?

In the grand scheme of things, nothing will change, I will still be me in this house, with these dogs, with this job, with these problems… but what cathartic release will be waiting for the last period on the last page. I shed so many selves and dreams along the journey towards some “higher purpose” in my self-education, and I’ll be forever learning, but the weight will be lifted. I will have an answer I have been so desperately trying to find.

Mysterious said it’s a double edged sword, so I anticipate its sting, but not how deep the cut will be. I already feel somewhat alienated from my current life, and the final cut will likely trigger some change within me and how I view the box, though completely powerless to do anything about it.

So we wait. We yearn. We toil. The truth comes on its own time, not when we desire or expect it, and it takes years to chip away at the personal truth. May it be worth all the time and trouble I’ve invested into finding out what is the dream timeline?

Obligatory Rant, Lessons Learned


I must mention the importance of doing 1 whole-ass thing. This entire two weeks I have been dauntingly copying my dream notes from the ORIGINAL DIGITAL FILES kept in Excel and OneNote to AeonTimeline. If you find yourself wanting to undertake the meticulous documentation methods I’ve undertaken and think you may have your own dream timeline, I have a few words of advice for you:

1. Have a system and stick to it.

I have cursed and thrown things and LOST MY MIND over this brain-numbing task these past few weeks. Yet, it was one of the single most important exercises I’ve undertaken in this last leg because my stupid ass left ENTIRE DREAM SEGMENTS OUT during migration that were CRITICAL to the timeline.

Some these fragments include character deaths and family migrations across the HMP. Answers I have been searching for literally right in front of me though untouched because of the disconnect that I didn’t know was there. (It is extremely hard to keep up with over 5000 fragments of dreams. Ya gotta have a system.)

I spoke of my system before, and after many renditions (which caused the confusion and missing files) I realized that this one works the best:

This is the best one. I’m calling it. I added additional appendixes and new segment nomenclature and it. was. chaos. Not worth it.

Understand Your Important Data

Keep some sort of dictionary for symbols, characters, objects of importance, etc. Just do it. It’s extra work, but when you get up to the level that I have in collection numbers, you don’t want to have to go back and tag everything with important shit.

Have the right tools.

You don’t have to have tools to do magic, but you do for DATA magic. Don’t work hard, work smart. That’s all.

If you are into timelining/storytelling and want a comprehensive tool that keeps up with EVERYTHING, you want AeonTimeline 3 (and for actual writing, Scrivener). Trust me, I’ve tried everything and wound up back on Scrivener every time–never strayed from AeonTimeline, they are too good to me.

Note to self:

  • Thank Mysterious
  • Fight Mysterious
  • Fight Myself
  • Drink Tequila
  • Finish the timeline

Saga of the past or future, if you read this–I hate you… … …for all the times you’ve half-assed done something. So much data and time lost.


Something worth noting to anyone else. You’re gonna get things wrong. That’s ok, just try your best and it will almost always work out (EDIT EDIT: Maybe not in your favor but if you tried your best and it didn’t work out you probably weren’t meant to do that thing anyway).


Just a Random Realization

I don’t have many individuals in my RL that are interested in my work–or at least not many understand it because they don’t have a background in some of the concepts that the book goes over.

I worked on the Timeline today, and found a string of dreams that reveals the Science-related organization that Nautela is brought into at the beginning of the timeline is a WEBB company.

The symbolism of the spider: from one of the antagonists called “the spider lady” to “the Webb companies” just has me like:


I have no idea what it is all leading to, but I was EXTREMELY EXCITED ABOUT THE REVELATION AND I AM DYING. Just had to tell SOMEONE about it.


“Because mystery is horrible to us, we have agreed for the most part to live in a world of labels; to make of them the current coin of experience, and ignore their merely symbolic character, the infinite gradation of values which they misrepresent.”

– Evelyn Underhill, 1914

Me, shook:

Blinking white guy: The story behind the meme that's gone viral | Science & Tech News | Sky News


ThE sYmbOliSM

Best Sip Water GIFs | Gfycat

So, I have a lot of moving theories that I don’t share, mostly because they sound really dumb or I don’t have enough evidence to support a theory yet.

One of those things is the idea that Mysterious has been divided into three pieces.

The Three Pieces of Mysterious

There is an entire storyline where Mysterious is subjected to some sort of ritual that I don’t see the details of. I haven’t entirely understood what this means or what the three pieces are (my guesses have ranged from people to inanimate objects).

I have now identified that there are three “people” or personas:

The Healer | The Entrepreneur


This person is a doctor-type that has worked to heal Nautela from her blight. It was indicated that the person Mysterious used to be, who we call Sam in the dream timeline, was very educated. This is that part of him separated and operating as a professional within a similar segment like Valeria Pharma (if he wasn’t employed by them directly – TBD)

I have a oracle set, The Wild Unknown: Archetypes, that I am quite fond of. It was through this deck that I really started to challenge my brain to think beyond what was right in front of me with the symbols of the timeline, so I wanted to reference some interesting excerpts from the guidebook that I thought were relevant.

Three serpents are on the card of this archetype. It is associated with medicine and healing, sure, but the healer goes deeper than that. Kim Krans says this:

The healer’s mission is to move through the comfort of forgetting, through the veils of ignorance and denial, to reveal the radiance that already exists. The healer approaches this in multiple ways, from multiple angles, knowing the cycle of healing is not linear–it is a multilayered and circuitous process, always leading back to its own origin… much like the ouroboros.

The Father | The Hunter


This person is an “adoptive” father of a small boy. Most of the scenes here involve Nautela helping him with his child, who has medical disadvantages due to blight.

This person is also the hunter we find in many of the apocalyptic-type dreams. Actively hunts blighted. Seems to be hunting down the man in the suit (whom we believe is Lantith Valerian).

Mysterious asked me once how I would react if “[he] wanted to destroy the whole thing.” I thought he was just being angsty, but I’ve seen some interesting dream fragments where the hunter has actively caused chaos in these cities that were protected from blight (whether under direction of another or independently)

Both the father and the hunter exist in Kim Krans’ deck. I don’t think its random.

The father embodies both light and dark aspects of the masculine; thus he is infinitely dynamic and complex…

She notes that the character is ironic because it represents both sides of the same coin:

[The father] is both the guardian and one who leaves us to the wolves. Here, yet gone. The champion and failure. The father can never resolve or escape this duality.

For the hunter, Kim Krans states that Artemis is the representation of the archtetype, and refers to the secondary name as “The Seeker.” I found this infinitely hilarious, considering the “questioner” could be interpreted as someone who is seeking for an answer, and Mysterious is the “questioner” to which I am supposed to be some “answerer.”

Aside from that, it is as you would expect. The hunter hunts.

The Artist | The Demon


Mysterious in his current form. Creatively-inclined. Painter. Musician (strings).

Something interesting about this particular character is the ability to “bring life” to creations. For example, in one of my earlier experience posts, we were sucked into a painting in the studio.

Fascinatingly, I have observed the demon absorb other entities, though I don’t see the details of how this happens (everything goes dark). Mysterious himself has even commented on how he’s had to “find” and “take care of” the other “fragments” of himself (the three pieces indicated here).

Kim Krans notes that the creator, alternatively the artist, is the first archetype in her trio of existence.

Though generative, this archetype annihilates preconceived notions of what is possible, leaving unexpected openings in the wake of its destruction. The creator does this by… trusting that a force greater than themselves awaits constant collaboration with each human sou. Whether we call it nature, god, goddess, shakti, or divinity, it remains nameless… it is the creator’s lifelong companion.

There is no “demon” archetype. The closest to this is the destroyer or shadow. I chose destroyer, because of a few lines. Kim Krans notes that this is the final of the three archetypes in her trio of existence.

The destroyer…has necessary yet painful work to do in the world. … It’s the part of us that wants things to end. Its painful orientation is to uncover our true purpose.

Mysterious told me once, and then my husband on a different occasion at the beginning of our journey: “I am ready to die.” He has not said this in recent memory, but has stated when we talk about death: “Not even gods want to live forever.”

I have no idea what the specific symbolism means, but I found it interesting that these are the three personas that are taken. I have had a hard time not taking symbols at face value, which I still have trouble with from time to time, but these three put to paper made me really understand there is much to unpack here.

Something for clarification, as my titles don’t capture this:

The three “main” personas are The Doctor, The Father, and The Artist. The enigma, hunter, and entrepreneur are secondary personas that either come later in the dream timeline or coexist with the primary personas.

[I have spent 12+ years going back and forth with this MF and just now got this information and still have no idea what to do with it.]

Originally, given how I bounce back and forth on the identity of Mysterious, I spent some time researching “unholy trinities” and the significance of the #3. Pythagoras believed 3 to be the number of perfection (harmony and divine proportion, too).
Mysterious speaks a lot about balance and has the number 7 on his “crest(?)” for whatever house/kingdom/body he represents. I’ve been taught, from my Christian roots, that 7 is the day of rest–when everything was perfect.

Now, I wonder if the three personas are some sort of trichotomy for the three roles that Mysterious plays, but too early to really theorize. I need to educate myself more on the symbolism before standing firmly on any position.

I look forward to sharing more on the topic when I am further educated. Just had to share a giggle from behind the screen and a “maybe one day I’ll believe this is something more than just my imagination.”


Happy Anniversary, Mysterious (wherever you are). We’ve been going at this a long ass time, and though you are incredibly annoying and vague, I straight up wouldn’t want to get stuck puzzle solving with any other demon.




I took off this week from work to progress the timeline, and while I haven’t spent the entire week like I wanted–I’ve made substantial progress. I have the skeleton, I believe. I completed it yesterday. I find I’m struggling to even look at it today–I’m unsure if it’s fear or something else. Interested to see where we go from here.


I am very slow moving these days. I have lost some resiliency.

Continuing the discussion from [EXPERIENCE] Goetia Workings:

I didn’t realize this happened until I re-wrote my Goetia post for Bael, but it’s important to note that “scary Bael/Baal” wasn’t actually Bael/Baal at all.

I had a dream back in March of this year that gave me a glimpse into whatever this “Valerian” guy is.

March 16, 2023 - A Simple Wager

A Deal is Accepted

I am in the body of Nautela. [Sam] and myself are running from the man who has caused all of these bad things to happen to us. This man is represented as an old man, balding. Behind him, a blackened wall of something, contained therein are thousands of faces. These faces had either orange or red eyes and were shadow people.

A good chunk of time passes. I am standing alone in a large temple or castle. The same man from before stood before me, his faces rhything and gnawing at the darkness behind him. I was very upset, bartering.

I told the man that I would go into Tartarus to save [Sam], and–if I was unsuccessful–he could send me there. The old man accepted my challenge.

The man opened his mouth and the faces spewed forth. I took off running as they pursued me to seal the deal. I ran from him until the ground fell out from under me, then I fell through the nothingness.

It was a void of darkness, which I eventually landed in a suspended state. Before me were grey coffin-like containers, wrapped in chained. This was a room, as those chains extended to nearby walls, hooked to fixtures tautly. Within each coffin was an entirely different place, filled with horrors unimaginable. I knew [Sam] was in one of them.

As I reached out I fell once again to another platform. This time, there was only a door. I exited, finding myself in the bar owned by Makyyrga in Ona before the city fell.

Looking back, the space I previously occupied was gone. A simple room now. I left the bar and entered the street, disturbed by what I’d seen.


I spoke to @norse900 yesterday on the phone. It was a pleasant conversation, invigorating. He’d said: “This is more a lifestyle than a hobby for me.” It stuck with me.

This was my life once, a great length ago now. Life got in the way. I once believed that I managed it well, but I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation about the esoteric. I found myself even more surprised to my reaction when I spoke the name of Mysterious out loud. I felt that feeling again that I’d lost–a positive feeling. It is lost today, but if it’s there–maybe it’s a matter of digging it back up again. I felt alive when I was in my practice some time ago.

Maybe the block was intentional. Idk. It now is no longer lost on me that Mysterious said: “You really need to go do this.” When I was sure life was going to get in the way of my trip to the mountains.


I am changed.

It’s no secret, to my dogs, my friends, my family, or even acquaintances that I had a favorite dog. His name was Mr. Charles.

Unexpectedly, at 5 years old, Charles met his untimely end after a bad bout of IVDD that seemed to escalate overnight. Grief is difficult and long-standing in the house, but this one hit different. This one changed something in me, and for that I am fearful.

I am not worried about my own safety (and I’m requesting that you don’t either). I have concluded that I’ll be here for a while to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do, but this came at a time when I already wasn’t satisfied with a lot of things in my life. This worsened that already raw wound.

Only time will tell what is left in the aftermath, but I’ve been given a few indications that the lesson here is something I don’t understand yet and beyond the obvious (as all lessons are).

But my anger feels boundless, just as my will feels strong.