Chaotic visions

you could say that is just my pattern recognitiion in my monkey brain is malfunctioning
-but you would be dead wrong.

since those are things OUTSIDE OF MY CONTROL or influence, by regular means
and if those just line up perfectly with what signs im given and what rituals are performed then there is question about whether or not this is real

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i might remove further posts.
as i asked contacts for guidance, non unfounded doubtful questions popped up
~ i wonder if i relasped into the realm of fantasy and had been lied to
or if i had been right, and this merely was a test of my convictions.

I do not wish to return to a state of escapism.
while im here, i should be dealing with the world im currently inhabiting.

maybe i shouldnt even seek to delete my potentially rather confused posts
(or were they not?) and instead, keep them here as a reminder to myself, so i wont keep falling for the same traps, again If that is what is going on rn.

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You do you. If that’s what you gotta do then do it


If it doesn’t feel right then wait and try removing posts another day IF it feels right to do it then at that other day or time. If it feels right today then today.

Just examine how you feel what reverberations you sense when you think about removing them is it an ok I’m cool with this or is it a should I shouldn’t I.

If there’s doubt wait a few minutes a few hours a few days if necessary til you sense now is the right time to do this or until your sure it isn’t right for you.

That’s being you. You you be you you do you and go with whatever feels right to you if in a moment in time your gut says not now then listen and do the not now and if it says yes now then listen and do the yes now.

Do it because it’s right for you at that moment in time don’t do it just cuz of thinking of what others think. They aren’t you what they want or think isn’t you and shouldn’t be your deciding factor.

What feels right to you is what you do don’t worry about trying to do by someone else right place right time right reason right feeling by what’s right for them.

Their right time place feeling is theirs yours is yours and the 2 are forever different unless you can somehow become them in a real literal sense. Then only then do them. If you cant be them do you and don’t do them.

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The reason for my pondering of whether or not i should remove my posts,
stems from the critcism i received in private.

The situation, which i didnt entirely describe above, is (as she claims) experienced by a woman younger than i, and the female giving me guidance is someone older than me.

I will not drop names, since i see no reason to cause her discomfort, and i will assume she did share her thoughts with me, on a good-will basis. Anyway


Its a rough somber feeling, feeling remidned to all the times i was manipulated and lied to in the past. I do not know what is the truth of the matter, but im sick of being part of someone’s mind games or schemes. As of now, i do not find myself ready to use the material which i prepared, to send out my curse. Instead, i will try to find myself and heal.

Maybe incoming messages will shed new light unto the matter, and either rob me of the will to act in this manner, or bolster it. Whichever will be the case.

@Kish thanks for the concern, btw :slight_smile:

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due to recent events, im not aware of whether or not i should openly speak of the experience that wandered through my mind recently.

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I have made offerings to the goddess
That she will open her heart in love,
And that my sins will be forgiven.
May my jars of sweet sesame oil please her,
That she may look kindly upon us,
And make us fruitful.

Like the sprouting fields of grain,
May women bring forth with their husbands
And may those who are yet virgins
One day be blessed with children.


The tablet, upon which was found this song is 3500 years old.
Found in the ancient city of Ugarit.

i find it quite moving

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to me it feels like a tearful reuinion with ancient ancestry
there is somber joy and deep unexplained sorrow

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again, idk if this is tollerate on the forum:


the descriptions might be a bit too graphic for feeble hearts, i think :thinking:
so you have been warned. I dont like censoring myself.

makes me think of myself(?) and others, bowing and kneeling, raising up and going back down -like muslims, dressed in garments like theirs too, but dark with red patterns stitched on them. Wordless knowing is spread and kept among the brethren, a purpose that glows in our eyes since birth, and shines through our blood. We hail the old gods, our ancestors. We acknowledge and embrace the suffering of the cattle and game we slay, same as with those we conquer. Suffering embraced as the price for life. (but also as being life itself, but not in a negative sense) And we purge those who corrupted the old teachings. As for generations their blood is spilled, and their guts rot on the sand it slowly becomes fertile soil. After 200 years of holy warfare, islands of green begin to emerge. A part of our slayn victims echoes within us for all of life, constantly forcing us to make best of the life we have, keeping us from ever surrendering to pleasure. We plunder and sack the decadent kingdoms who gave into their lusts and comforts, and leave nothing remaining, so the lost may not be remembered by anyone but us and our scribes.

Sacred symbols, we draw in red ink upon bare sandstone -blood chalk and some kind of oil we use. Sometimes animal fat. We draw symbols, stars of 8 formed out of many rings and and 4 crossing lines. Many weards of power they bare.

WE wander the earth, embracing the unspeakable gnosis that is found in our blood, and we document all the worthy ones we slew. Their teachings we remember, but most and foremost we are loyal to the blood itself.

The blood knows, the blood lives, the blood is us and we are blood.

Our greatest of shamans are hearts of the blood, while humble priests are but little vessels -but they too are honored for their service.

We are our great sorcerous ancestor, and the ancestor is us.
We live, so that he may know life in all its forms.
And he embraces us, when death is coming to take us.

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what a strange ethnicity.
not to too far from european in shape, but dark thick hair
yellow eyes and light brown skin

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Yellow eyes. Makes me think of cats or liver troubles. Hopefully they’re not suffering from liver issues.

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i mean the iris, not the eye whites/sclera

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i dont know about you, but when i offer to wanderings spirits, spirits in my territory or dead -or whateve/whoever might be interested

i sometimes see, that physical meals tend to "multiply "in the astral.
~so if you offer a hand ful of candy, suddenly every dead child is having some
~if you offer mashed potatos, you might see them hold bowls or eat entire potatos (not mashed)
~if you offer one shot of lichor, you might see the elderly and the men of the families of roaming dead(?) take it, to for the strength along their way
etc

also, i often see children, girls -less often mothers, young women offer to me a totem or fetish of sorts, some astral thing they place on the inside (behind the glass door/window of the kitchen, which leads to the big balcony) and leave it there.

Its also interesting to use Sowilo (rune) or just focus ont he solar principle, and then “blow” at them, to literally breathe life into them.

This and other experience to me, feel a lot mroe grounded than the almost or actually hedonistic displays i saw int he past with a certain cult’s current.

Idk what really changed, maybe its because these entities now are not out to fuck me over
and display grattitude instead of entitlement.

Whenever im short on cash, or better: when im on a waster-fast, and i offer to them simplefoods or when im totally fucked, just some seasoned peas or rice (when im really fucking broke) they still are grateful, “for the dead have been forgotten long ago” -whoever made me just write that.

Im being told rn about the importence to pay attention to the unseen ecosystem around us, and how it will take care of us if we take care of it.

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he is part of my past.
When a certain lying woman abandoned me, i searched for answers
on my way, i got lost for a while in his teachings.
Hm, now that i tihnk of it -maybe i shouldnt have burned each and all of the 10 books

Whatever. If i intend to twist his material, it will be done -but as of now i lack the motivation to do so.

I have been making regular offerings.
Earlier i ate a fraction of the sweet portion of the offerings for the dead (The rest of it and the entire hearty portion i threw away as always)

i the following, while eating half of a chocolate coated bisquit:
-a field, hills, forest at the edge of the fields, other villages and settlemens in the far distance and a bit closer a city of some kind
-a cottage, a woman, a orange dress
-i was sucked into her eye, which became a wild mess of black and white webs
-then i saw through her, what was to come
-a seasonal change, a tornado
-her child or sibling or some other kidn of responsibility in form of a little girl was about to get hit by the tornado
-she grabbed a cross, upon its bakcside she had written some runes (thats how she hid her magic from the town folk) and she held it against the tornado
-it vanished
-as i swallowed the piece, i saw how she was raped and stoned beaten for “being a witch”
and they believed SHE had caused the tornado, and only used her powers when it turned on its master (her)
i dont have to explain, that they were wrong, right?

i saw this while eating a cinnamon -licious cookie:

-a beach
-faint memories of death
and being stranded there
-then i saw a dreadful black and white face of coudl have been a woman
she was black and white in this colorful scene of death and somber atmosphere
-she told me she wanted to taste my emotions
-i had seen her kind before shade or sometihng else, some desperate entity trying to get attention by drawing upon primal emotions
-i didnt react much to her stupidly evil fucking face
instead i spoke “sowilo” and blew it at her
-for a moment her visage lit up, and then it was as if i could see her dreadful facade and the woman she once had been

I felt like posting this here, despite not being welcome in this place.


I made offerings once more.
I mixed the left over meat-juices and butter (from frying meat) with some (for this purpose specifically) cooked rice.

I added some raw carrots and a khaki? fruit

~after going through the motions,i saw something familiar:
each ingridiend appeared in its full form, within a feast of travelling spirits

the pork formed little piglets everywhere, the ghosts of children chasing them merily
the beef became cows that the travelling folk milked, fed and comforted
the pieces of carrot became a multitude of carrots
and the small bowl of rice became enough to feed a small village

what was new to me, were the details below:

they reminded me of pakistani or gypsie or slavic? sort of ethnic people
their hats and garments and their cloths adorned with patterns you see with native people and middle eastern carpets

their skin something between a beige-olive and light brown

i think those were turkish ? people or sometihng like it

they saw me in the door frame (There is a window/door to the balcony)
and the adults did a quick and simple bow and went back to their activities

through the open door children and piglets ran screaming and giggling

i was touched by this in a way i cant quite place
-it is a beautiful kind of pain, maybe sorrowful healing

~~the gypsie(?) sort of travelling people, reminded me to the families i saw
during the “old days” when i was astral projecting around the area.
There are a lot of such people, wandering still -just not with the living.

Their warmth and joy is heartbreaking, as im not sure i deserve it -but im happy and grateful for it all the same.

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the fruit for example, became a group of gnarled trees that grew i defiance of all the concrete and stone of the balcony and building

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